(no subject)
Im unhappy because I drink
Im unhappy because I smoke pot
Im unhappy because I smoke cigarettes and cigars and cloves
I drink because Im unhappy
I smoke pot because Im unhappy
I smoke cigarettes and cigars and cloves because Im unhappy
Im unhappy because I have secrets. So many things are hidden and lied about. I lie and hide things because I'm unhappy.
There's so much I should love about my life... I have a big family and a big house and a nice car and nice things and a good job and i have lots of money and a laptop and an iPod. I have a boyfriend who is nice to me and I have cute girl friends who make me look cute and we can all be cute and popular and happy together...
I should be happy about my weekend. I spent a good long night with Andy, kissing and cuddling and smoking and laughing with friends and generally spending good quality time together. I made the choice to leave, he didnt tell me to leave, I had to get going. But then we cuddled and kissed some more and i realized that in all the wonderfulness of the night before he never once said he loved me. so i said it. he quickly responded with the programmed answer "i love you too." i laughed because well.. he answered in such a way i could hardly believe him. I asked him if he was scared and he said yes. what else could i say, or do with that?
I left feeling stupid... I'm so fucking stupid.
oh well... i passed a lot of time and ended up hanging out with Alisha and Nikki and went to hang out at some party, the first one i have gone too and not gotten smashed at in a long time. Had a good long talk with another good friend who is leaving for a long long time. Andy ended up staying at home playing drinking games with his old friend... Ryan and I went there and I was just so happy for some reason. I was calm and had hung out with good people all night and when i got to andy's he seemed happy and drunk... I was totally ok with the fact that he was hanging out with his friend and not really me that night and that it was ok that i was there for a little while. everyone was just happy.
I smoked and came back and watched some of the beer games for a while and then left. Andy couldnt walk far but he gave me a hug and a kiss and he told me he loved me.. looked right in my eyes and said it. I told him I loved him too and that he should have as much fun as he could that night.
I left feeling happy. I was confident and assured that everything was alright. He and I are happy.
then i thought about alex for a long time. now i want to die because thinking about alex makes me question everything with Andy.
Alex and I threw ourselves in to our relationship. We were so happy to just be around eachother and we were in love and we knew and all we wanted to do what let each other know how much we loved one another. We were crazy and did insane things in the middle of the night when he shouldnt have been in my front yard or i shouldnt have been knocking on his window...
with andy everything is subdued. we dont show much at school. We text a lot or talk online a lot during the week. He doesnt say I love you every chance he gets. we dont hang out every time we have the chance. we dont have long talks on the phone hardly ever, actually i think weve had one.
i dont want to be scared to feel the way i do.
but I am
and he is too and its making things worse.
i wish he could just be brave and really feel something inside and make me realize how he feels and we will be happy and in love and have countless happy times and go happily through life.
maybe its all my fault. actually it probably is. im an idiot and everyone knows it.
Im unhappy because I smoke pot
Im unhappy because I smoke cigarettes and cigars and cloves
I drink because Im unhappy
I smoke pot because Im unhappy
I smoke cigarettes and cigars and cloves because Im unhappy
Im unhappy because I have secrets. So many things are hidden and lied about. I lie and hide things because I'm unhappy.
There's so much I should love about my life... I have a big family and a big house and a nice car and nice things and a good job and i have lots of money and a laptop and an iPod. I have a boyfriend who is nice to me and I have cute girl friends who make me look cute and we can all be cute and popular and happy together...
I should be happy about my weekend. I spent a good long night with Andy, kissing and cuddling and smoking and laughing with friends and generally spending good quality time together. I made the choice to leave, he didnt tell me to leave, I had to get going. But then we cuddled and kissed some more and i realized that in all the wonderfulness of the night before he never once said he loved me. so i said it. he quickly responded with the programmed answer "i love you too." i laughed because well.. he answered in such a way i could hardly believe him. I asked him if he was scared and he said yes. what else could i say, or do with that?
I left feeling stupid... I'm so fucking stupid.
oh well... i passed a lot of time and ended up hanging out with Alisha and Nikki and went to hang out at some party, the first one i have gone too and not gotten smashed at in a long time. Had a good long talk with another good friend who is leaving for a long long time. Andy ended up staying at home playing drinking games with his old friend... Ryan and I went there and I was just so happy for some reason. I was calm and had hung out with good people all night and when i got to andy's he seemed happy and drunk... I was totally ok with the fact that he was hanging out with his friend and not really me that night and that it was ok that i was there for a little while. everyone was just happy.
I smoked and came back and watched some of the beer games for a while and then left. Andy couldnt walk far but he gave me a hug and a kiss and he told me he loved me.. looked right in my eyes and said it. I told him I loved him too and that he should have as much fun as he could that night.
I left feeling happy. I was confident and assured that everything was alright. He and I are happy.
then i thought about alex for a long time. now i want to die because thinking about alex makes me question everything with Andy.
Alex and I threw ourselves in to our relationship. We were so happy to just be around eachother and we were in love and we knew and all we wanted to do what let each other know how much we loved one another. We were crazy and did insane things in the middle of the night when he shouldnt have been in my front yard or i shouldnt have been knocking on his window...
with andy everything is subdued. we dont show much at school. We text a lot or talk online a lot during the week. He doesnt say I love you every chance he gets. we dont hang out every time we have the chance. we dont have long talks on the phone hardly ever, actually i think weve had one.
i dont want to be scared to feel the way i do.
but I am
and he is too and its making things worse.
i wish he could just be brave and really feel something inside and make me realize how he feels and we will be happy and in love and have countless happy times and go happily through life.
maybe its all my fault. actually it probably is. im an idiot and everyone knows it.