the only glimpse into my world that you'll ever get
why am i doing this? because i need to get it out. because there are things i haven’t said. even if you don’t read this, i said them to you and that’s all that matters. i’m tired of letting this affect me.
first of all, I need to say that even though I don't want to and despite my efforts, I hate you. i hate you both and i can't help that. even now, about a month and a half later, when i think about the way things have turned out it still feels like being stabbed in the stomach with something cold and rusty. and i get so angry. no amount of venting, drinking, video games, work outs, visits to the counseling center, or nights out have been able to erase these shitty memories from my mind.
you're an asshole because you rarely treated me right. used me. took advantage of my kindness. made me feel as small and useless and unwanted as anyone has ever made me feel. i was just practice for you. just a convenience. you were a cancer on my well-being, a test to my patience, and a drain on my peace of mind. i was so completely terrified of losing you, but it’s kind of hard to lose nothing.
and you, you're a horrible friend and a bitch because you were willing to throw away our friendship on a guy you knew i was still incredibly screwed up over. you violated my trust and then acted like it was my job to trust you without you having to earn it. you made me feel guilty about the things that my gut was telling me about you. you lied to me. told me nothing was going on. you disrespected me.
both of you did. and that’s not something i can take nor should i be expected to take lightly. i know that i was entitled to react the way i did. the friends i have confided in are appalled by your treatment of me and even those who have hurt me in the past are first in line to kick the crap out of you if i gave the word. i know i am justified in hating you. maybe, even, hating you is what i need to do.
sometimes i wish you could see that i'm doing so much better without you. i wish you could see how happy my new friends make me. how other people have noticed a change in me since the burden you put on me is gone. sometimes i wish you would try to contact me to tell me you missed me, just so i could tell you that i didn't miss you. but more than anything i want you completely erased from my life. i want to stop talking about it. i want to stop thinking about this. thinking about how awful you've made me feel. how hurt i am. those are the things i don't want you to see. i want you to see me composed and moved on. i want you to see me walking down the street, laughing with my girls or being silly and nerdy with robby, and think of what you threw away.
here is what you threw away, this is the carly now:
i’ve been told by several people that this is the happiest they’ve ever seen me. i am silly. i am fun. i break out into song. i am now preoccupied with taking care of my kitten, rocky. although he’s a lot of work, i love him and am so happy to have him. i’m serving on the executive board for hillel with four of my closest friends. our chances for the sorority starting up have improved. i go on dates with boys that i don’t really want to date. but I go because they’re nice guys and i promised myself that i would go on dates, even if i knew there was no chemistry there because i complain about not going on dates. i have girl friends. real, fun, supportive girlfriends. and new guy friends from aepi. i cried because wow training was over. it gave me the best distraction and a sense of purpose. also it gave me people to spend time with this summer when i am in working in san luis obispo. this will be a good summer. you’ll both be far away and i will be working, playing with rocky, and spending time with people who matter to me. i will party. i will go to the beach. i’ll go to avenue q with my sister and her fabulous gay friends. i will have movie nights and ladies’ nights. i still have panic attacks, but i’ve been seeing a counselor and hopefully i can put an end to them. they wanted me to go on anti-depressants but i plan on doing this on my own. i’ll pick up the remaining pieces of myself and become me again. i think i’m looking forward to that the most.
so there it is. the only time i will ever pour my guts out to you ever again. there is no reconciliation for us. there is no turning back. we are not friends. we won’t be friends. this is what i want. this is what i need. it’s time that i did what is right for me. i’m better off without you and i like who i am becoming.
so long,
carly
So I scream, scream cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
And what if there was
You'd still be you and
I'd still need to say goodbye
first of all, I need to say that even though I don't want to and despite my efforts, I hate you. i hate you both and i can't help that. even now, about a month and a half later, when i think about the way things have turned out it still feels like being stabbed in the stomach with something cold and rusty. and i get so angry. no amount of venting, drinking, video games, work outs, visits to the counseling center, or nights out have been able to erase these shitty memories from my mind.
you're an asshole because you rarely treated me right. used me. took advantage of my kindness. made me feel as small and useless and unwanted as anyone has ever made me feel. i was just practice for you. just a convenience. you were a cancer on my well-being, a test to my patience, and a drain on my peace of mind. i was so completely terrified of losing you, but it’s kind of hard to lose nothing.
and you, you're a horrible friend and a bitch because you were willing to throw away our friendship on a guy you knew i was still incredibly screwed up over. you violated my trust and then acted like it was my job to trust you without you having to earn it. you made me feel guilty about the things that my gut was telling me about you. you lied to me. told me nothing was going on. you disrespected me.
both of you did. and that’s not something i can take nor should i be expected to take lightly. i know that i was entitled to react the way i did. the friends i have confided in are appalled by your treatment of me and even those who have hurt me in the past are first in line to kick the crap out of you if i gave the word. i know i am justified in hating you. maybe, even, hating you is what i need to do.
sometimes i wish you could see that i'm doing so much better without you. i wish you could see how happy my new friends make me. how other people have noticed a change in me since the burden you put on me is gone. sometimes i wish you would try to contact me to tell me you missed me, just so i could tell you that i didn't miss you. but more than anything i want you completely erased from my life. i want to stop talking about it. i want to stop thinking about this. thinking about how awful you've made me feel. how hurt i am. those are the things i don't want you to see. i want you to see me composed and moved on. i want you to see me walking down the street, laughing with my girls or being silly and nerdy with robby, and think of what you threw away.
here is what you threw away, this is the carly now:
i’ve been told by several people that this is the happiest they’ve ever seen me. i am silly. i am fun. i break out into song. i am now preoccupied with taking care of my kitten, rocky. although he’s a lot of work, i love him and am so happy to have him. i’m serving on the executive board for hillel with four of my closest friends. our chances for the sorority starting up have improved. i go on dates with boys that i don’t really want to date. but I go because they’re nice guys and i promised myself that i would go on dates, even if i knew there was no chemistry there because i complain about not going on dates. i have girl friends. real, fun, supportive girlfriends. and new guy friends from aepi. i cried because wow training was over. it gave me the best distraction and a sense of purpose. also it gave me people to spend time with this summer when i am in working in san luis obispo. this will be a good summer. you’ll both be far away and i will be working, playing with rocky, and spending time with people who matter to me. i will party. i will go to the beach. i’ll go to avenue q with my sister and her fabulous gay friends. i will have movie nights and ladies’ nights. i still have panic attacks, but i’ve been seeing a counselor and hopefully i can put an end to them. they wanted me to go on anti-depressants but i plan on doing this on my own. i’ll pick up the remaining pieces of myself and become me again. i think i’m looking forward to that the most.
so there it is. the only time i will ever pour my guts out to you ever again. there is no reconciliation for us. there is no turning back. we are not friends. we won’t be friends. this is what i want. this is what i need. it’s time that i did what is right for me. i’m better off without you and i like who i am becoming.
so long,
carly
So I scream, scream cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
And what if there was
You'd still be you and
I'd still need to say goodbye