mother's day/ god this is long
believe it or not i am one. believe it or not i have one. my mother has hips as wide as the altlantic ocean... after three kids i'm not surprised... carrying milo around widened my hips to proportions they have not been in a long while if ever... i can't fit into any of my clothes and i can't wait until my face at least looks slimmer. i feel disgusting... just personally not socially, i could give a crap what "the others" think of the fat on my ass... i had gotten, not what some would call skinny, but what i would call skinny for me... and then i got pregnant, a surefire way to change all that... my mother called me today and i didn't answer, i never answer when she calls, but one of my sister's (the elder) gave her a picture of her grandson, she wanted to wish me a happy mother's day and tell me he was beautiful... a woman who has not wished me a happy birthday in more years than i have fingers wanted to wish me a happy mother's day... and i feel as though she wanted to be the first to do it, considering it wasn't mother's day, it is now... but it wasn't then... i didn't answer, but i listened to my voicemail almost right away... sad but true... a woman that i constantly bad mouth, say i couldn't care less for her... yet i had to hear what she had to say right away... lately i've been missing aimee, we had such a falling out over nothing really i think mostly misunderstanding... not that our friendship had been anything but rocky anyway... but i miss her and find myself wanting her to see my son... and arya too... i want arya to see my son... i check myspace for aimee sometimes... she doesn't appear to be online, which is weird, she was quite into being online and diaryland of course when diaryland was all the rage.... all the rage... in class the other day i found myself thinking that after class ended i would have a cigarette... it wasn't as if i desired a cigarette so much as i assumed i would have one after school let out... no point in smoking... no point at all... jeff still wants to smoke weed... what a terrible phrase "smoke weed" weed sounds stupid to me, it doesn't do the idea of what it is justice... i feel as though smoking weed now would be like smoking cigarettes again, just a waste of all this time that i wasn't doing it... i am a smoker just like alcoholics are alcoholics even when they aren't drinking... i smoked forever and thought i would forever... but i don't now and there is no point... i have to take a creative writing class soon i've been having a lot of ideas but feel pretentious writing fiction if it isn't for a grade... like as if it would ever be my job... as if... oh goodness am i going on and on... i should be in bed i have class mon thru fri at ten in the morning and all last week i was fighting my night owl nature and the fact that my baby wakes me every two to three hours to eat and squirm about... he's a great baby and i love him... so does jeff... i could eat him alive he's so adorable... even when he cries he's just something else... i worry about getting old and having him take care of me and about him getting old and hope that his life makes getting old worth it... as of right now mine only makes it about half worth it... i have to write that damn book i've been planning on writing for so long and get it on the oprah book bullshit sky rocket to fame club... alright going to bed... i have to go to jeff's grandma's old house that is now for sale tomorrow for my first mother's day as an actual mother.... a better mother than my mother... a less regretful mother... an inspired mother... a mother more than willing to make her child the focus of her life even though she is trying to go to college finally... which she is only doing for said child... so he can have a super sweet 16... ha... goodnight live journal my old friend... sorry to be so come and go with ya...
victoria victoria
victoria victoria