*Why do we remember the past, and not the future?*
This an ending.
Not the big one but just one. Ironically I've made 666 posts (coincidence that now I decide to end this?). Withintetsuo has existed since April 3rd, 2002 and I'm not the same person I was then. I look back with wonder at the person like a stranger I was briefly introduced to. I don't know him very well and he confuses me most of the time. I don't think I've been withintetsuo for awhile now, I just now kind of realized, in these last few months. It's probably been since around august/september that I felt the change begin. It always takes a little time to realize when you're a different person. I believe in so many different things now than I did in the beginning. Two years ago I was into existensialism which I now look back at and think "How sad." Its true that the older we get the wiser we become, we can look back on stupid behavior and shake our heads and laugh, wishing we could go back, put a hand on our own shoulder and try to explain things to ourselves.
So what was withintetsuo? The name comes from an anime film, those of you into this kind of stuff need no explanation but those of you a little foggier on this one I'll explain for. There's a 1988 anime film titled 'Akira' which has a character with a universe inside him. His name is Tetsuo and so I figured when I started this thing I was much much more introverted and it made sense to equate that with having a universe inside you. I was reading furiously, that's what happens when you never really hangout with anybody. You have much more reading time. And while I'm grateful for all the great texts I was exposed to I can't help but feel sad about all the time wasted in the abscence of people's company. I sometimes think about what would have happened if I had met some of the people I know now earlier but these are thoughts its not good to dwell on, they carry with them a sad fog that can come to hang over you. Better to live in the now and not worry about pasts that never were. I don't have that universe inside me anymore. It became so large and great that it spilled out and became part of the bigger universe that we make up collectively.
waitsfortherain, a friend of mine on here once listed his three favorite writers with me in the list. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, I'm flattered but its very hard for me to think of myself as being someone's favorite writer. However, he referred to my journal as "your book of days" once and the term stuck with me. I can feel okay ending this because from a distance I can see that it was just the first chapter in a very large novel. This was the prelude in My Book of Days. Now it's time for the second section, this next one will be just another chapter too. More will follow and I think it would be quite an amazing thing if I were to continue this for the rest of my life. Think, if livejournal is still in existance at that point, what a great catalogue of a life that would be.
So, this is it then. I feel a little weepy but not extremely sad about it. In the next few weeks I'll have to see some friends graduate, most will stay in the area and for that I'm glad. One in particular will continue the pursuit of her dream, and while I'm happy that she has that opportunity, the selfish childish part of my soul can't stand to see her leave. Life wouldn't be life if there were never the lows.
“He would step through the door and there he would be: a century of decades ago, when his house was newly built, the only house in the neighborhood, and flocks of sheep were still cropping the grass. He wonders what the world would look like then. He had heard that the birds were so plentiful the sky went black with wings when they passed. He would like to see that. Why had he imagined that life must always end in death, and never in anything else? He is not nearly at the end.”
-The Truth About Celia, Kevin Brockmeier
I guess you could say, to be continued at truthaboutcelia
Not the big one but just one. Ironically I've made 666 posts (coincidence that now I decide to end this?). Withintetsuo has existed since April 3rd, 2002 and I'm not the same person I was then. I look back with wonder at the person like a stranger I was briefly introduced to. I don't know him very well and he confuses me most of the time. I don't think I've been withintetsuo for awhile now, I just now kind of realized, in these last few months. It's probably been since around august/september that I felt the change begin. It always takes a little time to realize when you're a different person. I believe in so many different things now than I did in the beginning. Two years ago I was into existensialism which I now look back at and think "How sad." Its true that the older we get the wiser we become, we can look back on stupid behavior and shake our heads and laugh, wishing we could go back, put a hand on our own shoulder and try to explain things to ourselves.
So what was withintetsuo? The name comes from an anime film, those of you into this kind of stuff need no explanation but those of you a little foggier on this one I'll explain for. There's a 1988 anime film titled 'Akira' which has a character with a universe inside him. His name is Tetsuo and so I figured when I started this thing I was much much more introverted and it made sense to equate that with having a universe inside you. I was reading furiously, that's what happens when you never really hangout with anybody. You have much more reading time. And while I'm grateful for all the great texts I was exposed to I can't help but feel sad about all the time wasted in the abscence of people's company. I sometimes think about what would have happened if I had met some of the people I know now earlier but these are thoughts its not good to dwell on, they carry with them a sad fog that can come to hang over you. Better to live in the now and not worry about pasts that never were. I don't have that universe inside me anymore. It became so large and great that it spilled out and became part of the bigger universe that we make up collectively.
waitsfortherain, a friend of mine on here once listed his three favorite writers with me in the list. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, I'm flattered but its very hard for me to think of myself as being someone's favorite writer. However, he referred to my journal as "your book of days" once and the term stuck with me. I can feel okay ending this because from a distance I can see that it was just the first chapter in a very large novel. This was the prelude in My Book of Days. Now it's time for the second section, this next one will be just another chapter too. More will follow and I think it would be quite an amazing thing if I were to continue this for the rest of my life. Think, if livejournal is still in existance at that point, what a great catalogue of a life that would be.
So, this is it then. I feel a little weepy but not extremely sad about it. In the next few weeks I'll have to see some friends graduate, most will stay in the area and for that I'm glad. One in particular will continue the pursuit of her dream, and while I'm happy that she has that opportunity, the selfish childish part of my soul can't stand to see her leave. Life wouldn't be life if there were never the lows.
“He would step through the door and there he would be: a century of decades ago, when his house was newly built, the only house in the neighborhood, and flocks of sheep were still cropping the grass. He wonders what the world would look like then. He had heard that the birds were so plentiful the sky went black with wings when they passed. He would like to see that. Why had he imagined that life must always end in death, and never in anything else? He is not nearly at the end.”
-The Truth About Celia, Kevin Brockmeier
I guess you could say, to be continued at truthaboutcelia