pig jam
Some days just suck. Today, for instance, sucked. Hard.
Everyone knows how I feel about studying. I actually can't do it. I don't have enough will power to just sit down and force myself to read and solve problems till I learn something. I just don't. I may not have anything better to do - hell, I may not even have anything worse to do - but I still won't dare touch a book. Obviously this means I have a really tough time at university, and it really doesn't help that I don't pay any attention to classes. I seriously have zero interest in anything those people have to tell me, but anyway. Even though I've found everything extremely hard to deal with right from the first day I stepped into that school, since I do so incredibly badly, I still liked showing up for classes. I liked just being there, which for me is really extraordinary, since I don't like being anywhere with anyone. I can barely stand sitting here in my room all by myself while typing this. That's how annoying and picky I am.
Obviously, there was a reason why I liked going to school every day. Even though the classes and the tests all killed me a little, I was just in love with the people - ABSURD. Seriously, I hate people. It's not nice, but it's the truth. In highschool, you'd be lucky if I nodded at you as a greeting in the morning. Of course, high school was filled with preps and jocks - actually, those were the only types of people around. Snobs, sluts, you know the deal. I hated it. It seriously pained me to wake up every mourning and think I had to go and spend my entire day in that godforsaken place. But when I got to uni, the scenery changed. Suddenly, I found myself around people who were completely different from those I hated so badly. These were people I actually fit in with. I'm not exactly sociable and I was in a complicated situation simply for being a girl (so you get the idea, there is a total of 4 girls in my class. And 37 guys), so I did struggle a bit to make friends and all, but I knew I couldn't go through my next five years there totally alone, so I may as well stop being an ass and say some hellos, right?
My strategy worked fine. I became a bit more sociable (actually, a lot more, since these were people I thought were actually worth befriending) and I managed to make a few good friends and I can at least get along with pretty much anyone in my class. Or, well. So I thought. Now that we're onto our second semester and certain people like myself have failed half their course, I'm taking only two subjects with the people from my class and three with the folks who just started the course this semester. I didn't get along at all with these last ones and, because we barely see each other, I've lost some of the contact with the guys from my own class. Obviously I still talk to them, but it's not like before. My particular group of friends, which mainly consisted of V., G. and J., used to hang out together every single second of every single day. We even stuck around after the end of classes for about an hour, just for the company.
Now? I'm lucky if I get anything more than a hello from J. and G. Fortunatelly (or unfortunatelly, who knows), V. also failed about a billion classes, so he takes all but one classes with me, which means we still spend a lot of time together, but the group dynamic and the one-on-one dynamic are two compeltely different things. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, it's just.. strained, for lack of a better term. Whereas before I felt as though these people actually enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs, now it just feels as though they put up with me because they have no other choice and they wouldn't even be able to tell the difference if I suddenly stopped showing up. In fact, they don't notice - I still have people ask me if I'm in their Calculus II class. How hard is it to look around a classroom? Jeeze.
Oh, and I nearly fell on the bus. I hate nearly falling on the bus. I just wrote a love-letter/essay about the damn thing and today it takes a right turn basically to say 'well I don't love you back. Take that, bitch!' and nearly knocks my head off. Goddamn that thing.
Everyone knows how I feel about studying. I actually can't do it. I don't have enough will power to just sit down and force myself to read and solve problems till I learn something. I just don't. I may not have anything better to do - hell, I may not even have anything worse to do - but I still won't dare touch a book. Obviously this means I have a really tough time at university, and it really doesn't help that I don't pay any attention to classes. I seriously have zero interest in anything those people have to tell me, but anyway. Even though I've found everything extremely hard to deal with right from the first day I stepped into that school, since I do so incredibly badly, I still liked showing up for classes. I liked just being there, which for me is really extraordinary, since I don't like being anywhere with anyone. I can barely stand sitting here in my room all by myself while typing this. That's how annoying and picky I am.
Obviously, there was a reason why I liked going to school every day. Even though the classes and the tests all killed me a little, I was just in love with the people - ABSURD. Seriously, I hate people. It's not nice, but it's the truth. In highschool, you'd be lucky if I nodded at you as a greeting in the morning. Of course, high school was filled with preps and jocks - actually, those were the only types of people around. Snobs, sluts, you know the deal. I hated it. It seriously pained me to wake up every mourning and think I had to go and spend my entire day in that godforsaken place. But when I got to uni, the scenery changed. Suddenly, I found myself around people who were completely different from those I hated so badly. These were people I actually fit in with. I'm not exactly sociable and I was in a complicated situation simply for being a girl (so you get the idea, there is a total of 4 girls in my class. And 37 guys), so I did struggle a bit to make friends and all, but I knew I couldn't go through my next five years there totally alone, so I may as well stop being an ass and say some hellos, right?
My strategy worked fine. I became a bit more sociable (actually, a lot more, since these were people I thought were actually worth befriending) and I managed to make a few good friends and I can at least get along with pretty much anyone in my class. Or, well. So I thought. Now that we're onto our second semester and certain people like myself have failed half their course, I'm taking only two subjects with the people from my class and three with the folks who just started the course this semester. I didn't get along at all with these last ones and, because we barely see each other, I've lost some of the contact with the guys from my own class. Obviously I still talk to them, but it's not like before. My particular group of friends, which mainly consisted of V., G. and J., used to hang out together every single second of every single day. We even stuck around after the end of classes for about an hour, just for the company.
Now? I'm lucky if I get anything more than a hello from J. and G. Fortunatelly (or unfortunatelly, who knows), V. also failed about a billion classes, so he takes all but one classes with me, which means we still spend a lot of time together, but the group dynamic and the one-on-one dynamic are two compeltely different things. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, it's just.. strained, for lack of a better term. Whereas before I felt as though these people actually enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs, now it just feels as though they put up with me because they have no other choice and they wouldn't even be able to tell the difference if I suddenly stopped showing up. In fact, they don't notice - I still have people ask me if I'm in their Calculus II class. How hard is it to look around a classroom? Jeeze.
Oh, and I nearly fell on the bus. I hate nearly falling on the bus. I just wrote a love-letter/essay about the damn thing and today it takes a right turn basically to say 'well I don't love you back. Take that, bitch!' and nearly knocks my head off. Goddamn that thing.