Autumn's 10 Word Challenge

[autumnsea]

You cannot stare a fossil in the eye for it lost its ability to speak a long time ago. The language bleached along with the bone.

There was once a candid look in my eyes. It was misplaced along with my smile, hidden in some oft-read fantasy.

I think I saw someone pore over that book one late night, comparing notes, finding solace in a shared

Comments

[lostincandyrain]

I like the idea of the first paragraph, and the second is beautiful, and overall I really like the pensive sort of feel of it.

Despite the fact that it links them together well, the repetition of "eye[s]" in the first sentences of the first and second paragraph felt weird to me. But I can't figure out why. Maybe because it feels like you've moved on so much from the eye in that second sentence that it was a little jarring to then go back to it... I don't know. I don't know that I'd do anything about it, it just felt weird and I thought I'd let you know.

[autumnsea]

I was trying to move from the eye of something "dead" to the eyes of something "alive". Like the eye of the fossil was a thought that passed through my mind on the way to the real moment, the now. I'm sorry it sounded weird to you. But thank you for letting me know. I suppose I didn't achieve what I wanted with those 2 paragraphs.

And thank you for your compliment to the second paragraph, Jen. :)

[lostincandyrain]

I don't know that I'd go so far as to say you didn't achieve it... I think I just move too fast. I hooked on to the langauge at the end there and was off thinking about language (because I will randomly go off and think about language without any prompting) and was just far away from the eye, so it was hard to be pulled back to it.

But I do love the second paragraph, so you don't need to thank me for the compliment, and I really like how it extends through the next two as well...

[autumnsea]

It is good you thought about language because that is the major point of this poem. That's why I started with the language having been lost and then longing to find it in the end.

:)

[coma_aditi]

This is very descriptive and well-written. These words; they can be seen, felt.
I particularly enjoy the line, "Who said thorns could not wish for more, even as they embrace less."
Yes. Yes. *applause*

[coma_aditi]

Oop, but I just now realised, I believe there should be a question mark at the end of the line I quoted.

[autumnsea]

No it wasn't a direct question, more like an afterthought or a thought spoken aloud in one's mind. :)

[autumnsea]

Thank you so much. I very much want my pieces to be seen and felt - that is important to me. :)