(no subject)
Well, my weight is slowly getting back to where it was before the awful swine flu hit. Lost a pound and a half between yesterday and this morning. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Although I'm failing at not b/p-ing. I bought all the awesome Halloween cereal at Target today. Booberry and Frankenberry on sale for like $1.50. I don't have any soy milk though, so that's both a bummer and a positive. I did, however, eat an entire bag of oatmeal raisin cookies and a box of rich frosted donuts....and a few dry cups of frankenberry (who can resist the sweet pink Halloween temptation?) And then purged. Then I decided to do something healthy. I figured I'd make a salad. The only salad ingredient we had was lettuce. What kind of kitchen is this? I'm supposed to make good food choices here? Ha! Anyway, I washed, chopped and put some fat free dressing on said lettuce, ate it, and then decided the hell with it, and threw that up too. I've always noticed my fat neck due to purging, but more and more I'm noticing the cheeks. I really do wish to hell I could stop, really only for my stupid face, but the only way I really see that happening is if I can keep myself in check and restrict. But even then, meh, I purge what I can hands free. Whatever. I'm so freaking retarded. They say it's crazy to keep doing the same thing and expect different results...but I don't know what else to do, so I'll keeping running into the wall. I honestly can't imagine ever actually being happy with my body or myself. Even before my eating disorder, I hated my body. I've hated my body since I was like 8. I used to make promises to myself, as I'd lie in bed unable to sleep. I'd promise myself I wouldn't have seconds at dinner the next night. Sometimes my dad would wake me to have breakfast with him before he went to work. It was our thing, I guess. And I remember even then feeling guilty if I didn't want to get up. After eating, I'd go back to bed and try to sleep a few hours more before I had to be awake for school. I would lie there petrified was I pregnant. I associated being full with being pregnant. The sense of being full sent me into panic even as a little child. Freaking out about how I would explain my bloated belly. I remember having a recurring nightmare in kindergarten. I would be outside with my friend. She would get a fire hose, put it to my mouth, and fill me with water until I was round and big like a house, rolling down the street, everyone laughing at me. I have always had an uneasy relationship with my body and the things I put into it. How can I ever be normal?
That ended totally different that it started...whatever. No point in censoring my weird train of thought.
That ended totally different that it started...whatever. No point in censoring my weird train of thought.