(no subject)
Only you can see this entry, Zak.I'm only addressing this to you.
I'm going to explain exactly how I feel and hopefully you'll read it all.
I never meant to say I hate you because you said you loved me.It's more like loathe.I hate the way you use the word so loosely.I used to think you loved me, then I really gave it thought and I realized that if you did love me, you wouldn't deliberately try to make me jealous, you wouldn't always want to make me mad, you wouldn't hurt me the way you do.
Do you even notice what you do? 'Cause it seems like you don't.You do the same thing over and over again.Like when you tell me every week or so that you like someone different.One week it was me, the next week it was another girl, the next week someone else.But the thing is, I really did like you when you liked me, and I still do.I know you've gotten over me.I didn't except for you to like me more than a week, that's just who you are.
I don't like that you treat me like shit and then tell me you love me.It makes everything so much harder.I get over you, or I trick myself into thinking I am and then you come back, tell me you still have feelings for me(which half the time I don't even know if you mean it or not) and my feelings for you come back, twice as strong.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I never expected you to be like Collin, but he most certainly never devoted himself to me.I don't see how you could say that when he did what he did.I mean, yes, he was in love with me and from all the things i've heard since after his death, he fell in love harder than I had expected.That's not to say I wasn't in love with him, because I was, and a part of me always will be, but I can't forgive him for what he did.You and him are two very different people.I loved him for different reasons than I love you.Maybe not all different because you guys are similar in alot of ways.I love you, that's the honest truth.I can't help who I fall in love with and I don't necessarily want to, but you drive me nuts.
I don't want to fight with you anymore.
I don't like the person you've become, at all.I hate the way you push me away.I just want you to love me, to even care about me.
And to tell you the truth, i'm not blind when it comes to anything but you.I'm not naive, i'm not sheild-eyed from the truth of what the world is really like.. only with you.You make me blind, you make me naive, you make everything that was ever rightly placed in my world turn completely upside down.
I can't pour my heart out to you anymore.I won't have anything left.All I can say is I hope you understand everything that i've put in here, and I hope it makes sense.
iloveyousquishy.
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you said trust: i love you
you said trust: goodnight
you said trust: loveyoulotsandlots
you said trust: andlots
girl versus you: k, goodnight. <3
you said trust: alee- come stay with me and be with me and then none of this dramawould happen
girl versus you: i can't, you're moving.
you said trust: i know
you said trust: its too late for us i guess
girl versus you: i dont think there was ever an 'us' to begin with.
you said trust: i'm going to die next year.
you said trust: i decided.
girl versus you: no, you're not.
you said trust: no, really
you said trust: here's my new years resolution
you said trust: if things are not better for me and my life is not where i want it to be on jan 1 2005, i will put a gun in my mouth
you said trust: i already own one. i'm saving it.
girl versus you: if you hurt me like collin did i wont forgive you, just so you know that.
you said trust: we wont talk any more by then cuz i wont have a computer
you said trust: you wont know
girl versus you: i'm sorry, zak.
you said trust: yeah, landon is waiting for me, i want to fuck him, but i wont get the chance, heh. i'm a fucking jackass, but whatever. i do love you. dont get me wrong
girl versus you: i don't know anymore.
girl versus you: goodbye, squishy.
********
you said trust: little girl, you're so naive,. i cant' help but love you.
v i ew serenity: you can't help but love me, wtf does that mean?
you said trust: trust me, i've tried not to.
you said trust: i try telling myself that i don't
you said trust: that i dont' need to talk to you or to see you or to hold you or to kiss you, but i do. and i can't help it, and i don't necessarily want to
you said trust: ..but i do.
.I need him like I need oxygen to breath.
He's the only person who's ever told me I should grow up, EVER.Am I really that naive..?
******
I.feel.miserable.without.him.and.so.dependant.of.him.
I'm gonna bash my face in and gouge my eyes out.
I love him and I don't want him to move.I just can't make another mistake of fighting with someone over leaving me.I don't want another bad turn out and I don't want my heart broken that badly, ever again.So why don't you just give in to me, Zak?
I'm such a bitch sometimes.I really need to stop making people feel like they should kill themselves.
****
I'm so in shock.I deserved everything but I didn't think it'd be so easy for him to forget me.And, I still fucking love him.I don't want him out of my life.I wish i'd never said some of the stuff I said, but I can't take anything back.Saying sorry doesn't help, even though I know he knows I am.He has to.He must know I love him.He tormented me and made me feel like i'm no good, but i deserved it.I can't hate him for something I did as well.
He's right -- I am overly emotional, i am immature, i am no good.I just can't believe it took him letting me go to make me realize that.
I wish he didn't hate me, I wish everything was ok.I wish it wasn't easy for him to let go of me.I wish I could believe he still cared.I wish I could say he still has feelings for me.I could sit here and wish for everything to go back to when he cared about me, when he loved me, but all I can do is figure in the reality.. and i hope he's better off.He told me his life was better without me.I hope he's right..
**
I was reading old AIM logs between me and Zak and if there was an award for cutest people ever, we'd get it.
you said trust: i'm gonna get donuts, are we through here for a few minutes?
view serenity: PSH, cutting me off for donuts.
you said trust: psh,
you said trust: a boy needs to eat
view serenity: you always eat.
you said trust: ARE YOU CALLING ME A FATTY
view serenity: YES!
you said trust: FINE
view serenity: NO
view serenity: of course not, just kidding.
view serenity: you're a GROWING BOY.
you said trust: no
you said trust: i'm fully grown
you said trust: haha
view serenity: well then theres no excuse for you.
view serenity: haha
view serenity: you're just a FATTY
you said trust: WELL FATTY LOVES FOOD, bye
you said trust (7:32:54 PM): i'm sorry
you said trust (7:33:02 PM): you'll make fun of me if i tell you where i was
view serenity (7:33:15 PM): in the kitchen, getting fat.
you said trust (7:33:19 PM): :-(
you said trust (7:33:20 PM): !!
you said trust (7:33:22 PM): NO
view serenity (7:33:29 PM): YES.
you said trust (7:33:35 PM): :-[
you said trust (7:34:10 PM): eating cookies
you said trust (7:34:12 PM): i admit it
you said trust (7:34:33 PM): i bought a box of festive holiday cookies.. i was eating them
you said trust (7:34:37 PM): are you happy now
view serenity (7:34:43 PM): yes.
you said trust (6:37:45 PM): what are you talking about
view serenity (6:37:51 PM): i dont know.
you said trust (6:37:56 PM): =-O
view serenity (6:37:59 PM): what did i say?
you said trust (6:38:02 PM): and i so was not going to get food
you said trust (6:38:08 PM): dont call me fatty
you said trust (6:38:14 PM): im not taking this abuse any more
you said trust (6:38:15 PM): :o
view serenity (6:38:17 PM): i can call you fatty if i want.
you said trust (6:38:23 PM): if you do--
you said trust (6:38:28 PM): i am getting a divorce
view serenity (6:38:46 PM): could you really divorce this face?
you said trust (6:38:57 PM): YES.
you said trust (6:39:11 PM): I could especially divorce the mouth that calls me FATTY
you said trust (6:39:12 PM): :o
So effin' cute.People kill to be as cute as us and shoot themselves in the face when they fail.
****