Fic: The Space Between the Things You Know is Blurry Nonetheless (4/5)

[with_etoiles]

Title:The Space Between the Things You Know is Blurry Nonetheless (Part 4/5)
Rating: PG-13 (Lots o' cussing)
Summary: Blaine thought he had some semblance of order in his life, until his girlfriend Quinn breaks up with him and suddenly her lewd brother Kurt is breaking down his facade and confessing things about his and Blaine's relationship to them, and Blaine's realizing things about it that he never expected, either. To top it off, all of this is just in time for plans for college and the future.
Word Count: All together it will be~12,300 words (I've already finished writing it, so there's no way this could be abandoned.) This part: ~2,800 words
A/N: I really like this part, so I hope you enjoy it! Again, thank you all who read this.


Quinn walked back into the hallways to find Finn leaning against the lockers, staring directly at her. Students streamed past, a living, breathing barrier between her and Finn. Should she go confront him? Hash through the issues she created? She knew he deserved an explanation, but she was afraid, so afraid, that she would bend back to his will, that she would bend to the fire within her, that loneliness that caused her to do these stupid things. She wanted to be strong, she wanted to go up to him and explain that she didn’t need him, not as someone to take the edge off or as someone to ease the pain. He deserved that much of an explanation, right?

But she didn’t want to break the respiring wall between them, blurring in front of her, filling her eyes with whiplash. They were all moving, always moving on, forward. Here she was standing on the other side, a distinct other from this crowd of we. With Finn, she’s sure she could rejoin that hustling mass. But that would mean sacrificing some type of confidence, some dignity, to get there. Did she really want to do that again? She was finally heading off to college this year; she was becoming a woman. Did she really want to revert to her girlish ways? The days of harmless flirting and crushes were over, even the days of teenage “love” were over. Blaine was… a love, yes, but not the love. She knew that if she went back to Finn, here, now, she would bend; it wasn’t a matter of guess, it was a matter of principle.

She found her hands pushing through the crowd.

But in the nick of time, a body bumped into her.

“Quinn?”

Quinn exhaled. “Kurt, I have never been more happy to see you ever!”

He laughed. “Honey, you don’t want my ass in your business; I’ve already screwed up so much of it.”

“That’s right, you have, and now you’re gonna screw it up even more.”

“Meaning?”

“Come with me.” She pulled him into an abandoned classroom, never looking back over her shoulder at the boy frowning on the other side.

“You,” she closed the door and spread her arms across it, “are going to talk to me, and you can’t get out of it.”

“Quinn, I’m down with a lot of things, but incest is not one of them.”

“Cut the crap, Kurt.”

“Good Quinn here is cursing now, hm? I must stay to hear what she is so passionate about.”

“You.”

“Again, there are security cameras all over the school, if you do anything you will be caught.”

“First off,” she began, ignoring him, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I acted earlier when I caught you  talking to Blaine.”

“And I’m sorry,” Kurt continued, “for talking to him in the first place.”

“I’m actually… weird with that.”

“Weird? With what?”

“It’s so hard accepting your apology…” she whispered. “I know you mean it…”

“Of course I mean it, Quinn.”

“Yeah, I know, I know. It’s just, I, I know I’m just being stupid and jealous, and that’s the only reason I’m not okay with an apology.”

Kurt’s mouth opened imperceptibly and he walked closer.

“And what do you have to be jealous about?” he enunciated, a word with every step.

She moved to perch herself on a desk.

“I know how you feel about Blaine, Kurt; of course I do! Even more than what you were saying before when Finn was there. You’re just confused.”

“Why would I be confused? What do you peg me for, a helpless lamb waiting to be led to slaughter? Like I can’t do anything for myself?”

“If we’re being honest here, you are lost. You’ve been lost, ever since you threw on that ridiculous bad boy act and acted like you were the hottest piece of action at this school.”

“I’m. Not. Confused. I am perfectly capable of determining and deciding which feelings to act on that I have.”

“You aren’t confused about your feelings for Blaine, no; I’m not being silly in that respect. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re confused, though.”

“Pray tell, Quinn, do tell about what?” he asked spitefully.

“This is not you. I know you. I’ve known you. You are the sweet boy with the porcelain features. You are the boy with a troubled past but an open heart. You are the boy that didn’t let any of this crap get to you, yet here you are standing in front of me, an example of just how crap can get to you. I didn’t think that was you.”

Kurt steeled his jaw. “And what does this have to do with Blaine?”

“Do you not realize that this little act of yours is probably what’s keeping him from you?”

“No,” he straightened his back, “what’s keeping me from him is that he is straight. He is probably still in love with you, a gorgeous girl, and I am just a boy who is trying too hard to keep himself out of trouble.”

“Just be yourself,” Quinn said, her voice cracking slightly. “That’s why I love you, when you’re yourself you’re the most compassionate and the strongest person I have ever met. I’m sure he’ll think the same thing if you let him.”

There was silence for a few moments.

“You’re thinking that if he’s really gay than he was using me as a beard, right?”

His head hung down with his laugh. “You always know what I’m thinking, Quinn.”

“Who knows, maybe he was. I don’t think he was. But I do know that now he isn’t so sure about things anymore, and you certainly have a chance if you could just let yourself.”

“How do you know?”

Quinn thought that Kurt looked vulnerable, something that took her in shock. She wasn’t used to that, but there was a morbid joy in his sadness. It felt clean.

“Because I know you, and I know Blaine, and I know that you two would be amazing together.”

“And you wouldn’t care?”

“Not a single bit!” she exclaimed, smiling encouragingly.

“You’re amazing Quinn.”

“I try.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“No, really, thank you.”

She got up and smoothed her skirt, leveling her gaze back to Kurt.

“I just want my brother back. Plus, I figured it’s time I start pulling weight in this relationship.”

Kurt squealed. “Awwwww, c’mere!” he said, running the length between them and flinging his arms around her.

“It’s nice to have you back,” she whispered, snuggled in his arms.

~~

Kurt’s reflection stared sound at him as he stood, criminally easy to criticize.

This was it. He was going to Blaine; he was going to bare his heart out and finally be vulnerable for once in his life to get something he wanted. The safety? Gone. The smooth talk? Gone. The sexual innuendo? Gone. He was going to shed all of his disguises and let Blaine see a genuine, true, Kurt.

He never thought it would be this hard. He startled slightly at the way his eyes roamed across his body, the mirror dappling shiny specks of light across it. He didn’t like the way he had styled his hair; it was fringed and messy and dusted across his forehead, not at all the way he wanted it to be. It looked unsophisticated, and he would much rather style it upwards to keep it out of his face and keep it stylishly locked in place. He didn’t like the way his face set, the way a sneer was almost imminent upon his lips. He didn’t like the way his eyes were a dark, shady cobalt, the way secrets were hidden in them that he knew he couldn’t possibly keep. He knew his eyes could be a brilliant blue when clear and untroubled.

The quiet in his room was wickedly palpable as he stared himself down. He started to sing to himself quietly.

“Someone told me long ago

There's a calm before the storm”

The screen of his phone jolted to life.

“I know

It's been coming for some time”

The text read: “Meet Blaine at the Lima Bean-Quinn”

“When it's over so they say

It'll rain on a sunny day”

Another text pinged into his inbox.

“Shining down like water”

“Go! I’m rooting for you!-Quinn”

“I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?”

He walked out to his car.

“I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?”

He turned on the ignition.

“Coming down on a sunny day”

“Yeah, well,” he said quietly to himself, the engine humming quietly in the background, “it’s not going to rain today.”

~~

Blaine sat at an empty table in the back, going at his cup every few minutes, but mostly strumming his fingers nervously on the table. Quinn had sent him a text that she would be meeting him here in a few minutes. Broken phrases of apologies and defiant accusations all blurred through his mind, and then her face kept popping up to break the constant stream, except, Blaine noticed, it didn’t feel the same as when it would before.

The doors at the front opened and a tall figure, shrouded in sunlight, made its way through the small crowd.

Was it Quinn? The person looked a little leaner…

But then his eyes refocused to the darker lighting inside the Lima Bean, and his mouth fell open. It was Kurt, dressed so softly Blaine wasn’t sure that this wasn’t a hallucination induced by bad coffee or something equally as ridiculous.

“Kurt! What are you doing here?”

“You can relax,” he joked, “I don’t bite.”

Blaine watched as he fluidly slid into a seat, attempting to focus his wide eyes on him, but after a moment of struggle focusing them on the table. He seemed to be looking through it, almost.

“Kurt, I’m sorry, I thought Qu-“

“-Look,” he cut in anxiously, “I need to say this and I’m terrified that if I don’t get it all out now I won’t be able to.” Blaine also noticed his leg rattling up and down beneath the table.

“I am,” his eyes fluttered shut, “here to show you something. I am going to show you what I’m really like, because I think you deserve it, especially since I’ve acted so horribly towards you.”

Steadying breaths punctuated his speech. “You know me as Kurt, Quinn’s annoying and coarse brother, who I’m sure you think you’re forced to put up with. But that’s,” his blue eyes shocked open, “not exactly true.”

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I said what I did to you over the phone when I did, and then ignored you. Make no mistake, it was all true, and I wouldn’t take back a single word. I just want you to know that I still mean it. I still want you to know me, I want you to be with me.”

“Ku-“

“-I know you’re straight, Blaine, and I’m not exactly sure why I’m telling you this, because my track history with love is unbelievably horrendous, even for someone like me. But there’s something about you, Blaine, something about you that doesn’t make me want to give up again.”

“I’m not the bad boy you know me to be. Inside, I’m just as a hopeless romantic, as I’m sure you were with Quinn. I’m sorry for not being myself sooner, I know I should’ve and I could’ve avoided all of this… well, whatever all of this is. But I promise I will be now. I’ll surrender my defenses… if you let me.”

“Defenses?” Blaine asked, a small voice in the world of useless static conversations around them.

Kurt continued on stronger at Blaine’s small sign of approval.

“As you know, I’m the only out and proud gay kid at our school. Which would mean horrendous bullying, had I not done this with myself.” He hovered a hand across the length of chest.

“Being as I was, I didn’t exactly rocket to popularity, but I did keep myself out of trouble. I was just bad enough that I could intimidate the lower orders in the hallway, but I also knew to reign myself in around the higher orders in the hierarchy.”

A look of such eagerness crossed his face that Blaine couldn’t help but smile encouragingly.

“You understand that right? You understand me?”

“I’m not even lying when I say I completely do, Kurt. I’ve screwed up too; I know how it’s like and how it feels .”

“You understand… the desperation… the need…”

“All too well.”

Kurt cautiously brought his hand onto the table top, sliding it closer.

“Do you… what do you say to it?”

Kurt’s widespread eyes gave Blaine the courage to speak. He simply stared right into them, throwing his soul into them and hoping they’d respond nicely enough.

“I am… confused. About what exactly’s going on in my life, what exactly I think I’m doing, but, if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that you’ve been the constant throughout it. So, for a lack of a better word… yes. I feel the same way.”

Blaine didn’t know it was possible for a person’s eyes to look like they were so breathless. Kurt looked hesitant for a second, but before he could stop himself he slid his hand the rest of the length between them, tentatively taking a hold on Blaine’s. It felt cold, but in a nice way.

“I’ll keep my promise,” Blaine heard Kurt saying, but it was barely audible above the chaotic harmony in his head.
~~

Everything about school was new. Everything was suddenly livelier and perkier and so much happier all of a sudden. If someone shot him an offensive look, he smiled and waved because, what was the harm in it all really? If someone bumped into him, well, he apologized to them because they were clearly just having a bad day and not thinking about where they were going. Everything was going fantastically for him. Really, what could go wrong? He had freaking Kurt to call his own, someone who he actually felt like he had a real bond with, so how could things get any better? He wasn’t sure they could. But, as he saw Kurt strut down the hallway, that sentiment changed.

He had expected some kind of change, honestly. He had expected Kurt to start dressing as he had yesterday in the Lima Bean, soft and sweet and nice. But here he was, dressing in the same damn black clothes that were, even if extensively more stylish than another guy would afford himself the luxury, foreboding and just a little bit discouraging for Blaine. He was supposed to stop this half concocted bad boy act and be himself again, right?

“Kurt!” Blaine fell in step beside him.

He cast a disdainful look at him, then turned away again.

“Kurt, what are you doing?”

“Look, Blainers, I couldn’t do it.”

“You couldn’t… you couldn’t… but I-“

“-you thought I could. Well, that’s great for you, seriously, whoop de freaking doo, but not for me.”

“But don’t you want to sort this all out?”

“ ’Course I do, sweetie, but not at the expense of my safety. I’ve been doing this for a couple of years now, I think I can keep it up for a few more months before I go off to college.”

“Where are you even planning on going to college?” Blaine was exasperated, so fully unsuspecting of this that he was at a loss of words. I should’ve known, he thought angrily to himself.

“I don’t know, why the hell do I care? Quinn may be setting her hopes on Yale to get her out of this fucked up town, with the performing arts as her savior, but I can’t do that. Sure, I’d love to join Glee Club with you guys and sing and dance until I’m blue in the face, but guess what? That’d bring even more hell down on me than I’ve already created for myself.”

“I just… I don’t understand…”

“Look,” he lowered his voice, “I still mean everything I said yesterday. I just… can’t.”

“No, I understand… not good enough,” Blaine mumbled.

“No, don’t ever think that, I just can’t do-“

“No, I said I understand. Goodbye, Kurt.”

Blaine fell back into the mass of traversing students; soon Kurt’s face was masked by rushing backs.