I could scream
I have to vent. I've put up with lots. I've put up with more than lots. I've put up with things that novelists couldn't conjure. I've said that I'm going to keep my entries private from here on out, however, this is so universal that I think I'll not keep the "lesson" to myself. When I lived with my husband, he told me that I should be grateful to be able to live with him. He should be grateful for lots of things himself, but somehow, when it came to being grateful for anything, that's the one time the subject wasn't solely about HIM! I was bullied the entire of our dating period and marriage. That's finally a lesson that I have come to understand: I grew up being bullied, and put down, and I simply extended that with which I was comfortable into my adult life. Hence, I picked partners that either beat me about the face, or pummeled my heart. Some did both. Usually, they did it with glee. Certainly that "pummeling with glee" is true of my husband. He has done some truly despicable things to me, but just today, he has his divorce lawyer send me a letter that brings all of the truly hateful things back to the forefront of my mind. Having been asked by my lawyer (apparently--his story, I haven't had any conversation to either prove or disprove this) to come up with a reasonable settlement, he has his lawyer send me something saying that I should be grateful to simply walk away from nearly 20 years of putting up with him and -- I'm not kidding-- I should be GRATEFUL to take nothing. Having been berated nearly daily for years, the stress finally took a toll on me physically. I have a very physical job. I'm left in agony most days, and recently, given another situation, have been relegated to having to work 7 days a week. You see, when you are afraid of someone sneaking up on you in the dark, and have a very good reason to fear for your safety, you don't work past dark. Certainly not as a single woman. As such, long days have to be stretched out to long weeks. The days added up, and I broke. I now have to take off 2-1/2 weeks in order to heal my hands. Not so that I can eat bon-bons, as my husband has always suspected...but simply in order to be able to grip my hands. Driving is extremely challenging when you cannot hold onto the steering wheel, dontcha know?!?!!****! Anyway, I make a living by my labor. I have precious little tools--a couple of ladders, and press-wood furniture that some of my clients gave me after I took my husband up on his offer to "leave if you don't like it," referring to his constant haranguing. Now apparently, I'm so educated, this is what I deserve. Interestingly, my husband is offered and takes up on the union's offer to extend his education--but mine, which ended in 1986 is somehow superior to his, and should mint me a fortune. My husband absolutely excoriated me into taking a 2nd mortgage out on the house we shared--and which apparently he thinks I gave up equity on simply because I moved out--I wonder if my landlords would agree that they have no equity simply because they don't live here?--so, I spent $120,000 on household improvements--and yet that is translated into $50K on the house--which is his, as are all of the improvements, and $50K on MY business. Now somehow I am responsible for $50K because MY business received some phantom money, and yet he wants half of MY business which doesn't have any assets. The only asset the company had, I left with him: the computer, the electronics, the desk, and some tools. What else he thinks I can sell is beyond me. Oh, and the best thing is--he gave me this all as a gift. Well, I'll tell you what--he can have everything back that he gave me. I think that amounts to an aluminum ladder. I started crying after I received this letter from his lawyer today--and my husband has the audacity to send me an email version of it to gloat, and apparently is really quite proud of how generous he is. I'm paying on a 2nd mortgage so that he doesn't get kicked out on his ass--which I am seriously reconsidering at this particularly bleak and black-mooded period--he gets all of the improvements, and I SHOULD BE F**KING GRATEFUL apparently for his generosity.?" Are you listening ladies? Don't make my mistakes. Don't let your health and peace of mind be compromised because of a selfish pig. And most of all--if you divulge your boyfriends or potential partners with me and I like them--run. Run very fast. I have absolutely zero taste when it comes to men. On top of the stalker-ex-boyfriend, I have this jewel to add to my repetoire. As the policeman I've spoken to a couple of times reminds me so often--there is something wrong with my capacity to discern losers. Well, now I've got the formula. If I like a man in anyway romantically, his is an absolute black hole of humanity.
Well, in this instance, I have to say that this latest action has removed from me any remorse in pursuing my rights fully and completely. I'm tired of being trampled by this man--and now he has his lawyer spreading all sorts of lies. He simply makes up "facts," and espouses them as if evidence. If I only knew then....
I know NOW, however, and I'm going to put this superior education to work for me. Sadly, I'm not feeling very empathetic at this time. I used to feel sorry for my husband, but each action of his, which truly displays that there is no low to which he will not sink, removes that feeling. Without his daily verbal assaults, I am unmoved by his pathetic pretzel logic.