Random thoughts
Gotta hit the sack, since I have a very distasteful task to complete quite early tomorrow, and yet, it is well past due. Have you ever noticed that when you don't want attention, you get it in droves? When you are least likely to want to date, you get innumerable offers? Here I am, in my prime to some, old as the hills to others--and yet, I attract more attention than when I was in college and had a model's body. Strange. I'm not inviting comments...just making observations. I am fascinated--flattered a bit--more scared than anything else--that someone half my age would even be mildly interested...and yet, his attention has been unwavering lo these past many years. Unfortunately, perhaps fortunately, he is a client, and the decision is already made for me. Still, I will probably want to look back at the several entries I've made over the years with regard to this particular subject and laugh. On the other hand, when I most need to have the support of friends, it is only those who claim to be my BEST who are the most irritating. I have had more men tell me who I am, what I want, and where I'm going than anyone else...and really only in the past few years. Now, what's up with that? How is it that I've been on my own since I was 14, run a mildly successful business (and the only part that isn't successful is PURELY my own doing!--to put it bluntly: I have a wide streak of lazy!), and yet some men feel it necessary to tell me what I need, what I want, what they expect of me. Let me make it clear to all who can hear, and all of those who do and don't care: butt out! There...now, I feel better, and I can get on with the 38th day of my 40 day journey. It has been exciting. Another strange thing: I've had a book on my shelf for probably 11 years, and only just 38 days ago did I find it--or it found me...and I've enjoyed it immensely. Not that I agree with everything in it, for I have views molded by my own experiences, not those to be found by all or even many, and yet, some of what I've discovered is timeless and universal. I'm enjoying the journey so much, that I think I'll dive back in for seconds. Well, let me not get ahead of myself: I'd better finish what I've begun first, and THEN I'll go back for seconds! I think that I'm finding a quiet serenity amidst the furor and turmoil (that will never go away I fear) that I've not found until present. Perhaps it is a change in mindset, and perhaps it is age. I care not. What I do know is that I'm ready for it. I've been mildly and deeply (at times) depressed for the better of 3 years. Certain current situations have done little to ease my burden, and yet in the midst of my tribulations, there has been a light. I have followed it, and in the clearing, I'm coming to an understanding that had eluded me for so long. While I cannot say that I'm any closer to finding the sense of humor that seems to have departed about a year and a half ago...I'm no longer in that danky funk that clung to me like black mold. I feel light--I see the light. I'm getting happy...and I'm ready for something new.