Excerpts From A Journal Part II
4-06-03
I really wanted to see Paul wednesday because I feel that I am comfortable with going all the way. So we were going to meet at the end of my road at 11pm. I was feeling tired so I set my watch to go off around 10:30. It worked but I had fallen alseep and not heard it. So I woke up at 11:13 and threw on my jeans and a sweatshirt. I was sneaking out through the basement and Cookie ran out. I tried to get her back in, but she wouldn't come. I gave up and quietly made my way to the road. I didn't get very far when Paul pulled up beside me. Turns out he was making a last pass by and then he was going to go home. Paul parked in the lot across form the Ladner's and we started fooling around, making out. We got each other off and then I asked him if he wanted to go all the way. He said yeah, but he didn't have a condom. I wanted him so bad I just told him not to worry about it. It was amazing. I snuck back in successfully and went to bed very happy.
4-21-03
I'm late. I haven't told Paul yet. I'm probably just worrying about nothing. Patty keeps telling me things about Paul last year and that he's changed for the better this year. She says that he wanted her to sleep with him last year even though he and I were together. I don't want to believe it. I am trying so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be played for a fool. I hate myself for not trusting him, but at the same time I think that trusting him is being stupid. Nothing makes sense. I think I may give in and do a burn tonight. I've been doing that instead of cutting lately. I feel bad that I decieve my parents so much, but at the same time I love the thrills of being a bad girl.
4-22-03
I think that I am faking sick today. I'm not sure that it counts though because I was feeling naesuos this morning. Just not enough to skip school. I snuck out again last night. Paul and I haven't been bothering with a condom. He thinks I am pregnant and he said he'll get a pregnancy test so we can find out for sure. I'm not sure that he's right, but I kind of want him to be. He said that he'll marry me and we will be together forever with our baby. I want to be with him forever.
4-23-03
I am so tired. Today has been so busy. And I just feel really lonely.
4-25-03
The test was negative.
4-28-03
Funny I got my period today. I guess that confirms it. I'm kind of disappointed, but Paul seems to be really relieved. I guess its just because he has so much that he wants to do. Like become a doctor and a baby would mess up all that. He loves me though so thats good.
5-11-03
I haven't told anyone this, but I don't think that I want to go to college. I think I would be satisfied being a housewife. Part of that is that I feel like I really want a baby and I don't want to wait. I also want to have really rough sex with Paul. I want it to hurt. It's funny how I've been talking about the future a lot lately. Paul and I have decided that when we are both done with four years of college we are going to get married and have a home in oregon and four kids.
5-17-03
I had the most amazing evening with Paul. First we went out to dinner downtown. And then we had sex and then we saw a movie and then we had more sex. It was so good. I'm not going to go into any details because what I have in my mind is wonderful enough.
I really wanted to see Paul wednesday because I feel that I am comfortable with going all the way. So we were going to meet at the end of my road at 11pm. I was feeling tired so I set my watch to go off around 10:30. It worked but I had fallen alseep and not heard it. So I woke up at 11:13 and threw on my jeans and a sweatshirt. I was sneaking out through the basement and Cookie ran out. I tried to get her back in, but she wouldn't come. I gave up and quietly made my way to the road. I didn't get very far when Paul pulled up beside me. Turns out he was making a last pass by and then he was going to go home. Paul parked in the lot across form the Ladner's and we started fooling around, making out. We got each other off and then I asked him if he wanted to go all the way. He said yeah, but he didn't have a condom. I wanted him so bad I just told him not to worry about it. It was amazing. I snuck back in successfully and went to bed very happy.
4-21-03
I'm late. I haven't told Paul yet. I'm probably just worrying about nothing. Patty keeps telling me things about Paul last year and that he's changed for the better this year. She says that he wanted her to sleep with him last year even though he and I were together. I don't want to believe it. I am trying so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be played for a fool. I hate myself for not trusting him, but at the same time I think that trusting him is being stupid. Nothing makes sense. I think I may give in and do a burn tonight. I've been doing that instead of cutting lately. I feel bad that I decieve my parents so much, but at the same time I love the thrills of being a bad girl.
4-22-03
I think that I am faking sick today. I'm not sure that it counts though because I was feeling naesuos this morning. Just not enough to skip school. I snuck out again last night. Paul and I haven't been bothering with a condom. He thinks I am pregnant and he said he'll get a pregnancy test so we can find out for sure. I'm not sure that he's right, but I kind of want him to be. He said that he'll marry me and we will be together forever with our baby. I want to be with him forever.
4-23-03
I am so tired. Today has been so busy. And I just feel really lonely.
4-25-03
The test was negative.
4-28-03
Funny I got my period today. I guess that confirms it. I'm kind of disappointed, but Paul seems to be really relieved. I guess its just because he has so much that he wants to do. Like become a doctor and a baby would mess up all that. He loves me though so thats good.
5-11-03
I haven't told anyone this, but I don't think that I want to go to college. I think I would be satisfied being a housewife. Part of that is that I feel like I really want a baby and I don't want to wait. I also want to have really rough sex with Paul. I want it to hurt. It's funny how I've been talking about the future a lot lately. Paul and I have decided that when we are both done with four years of college we are going to get married and have a home in oregon and four kids.
5-17-03
I had the most amazing evening with Paul. First we went out to dinner downtown. And then we had sex and then we saw a movie and then we had more sex. It was so good. I'm not going to go into any details because what I have in my mind is wonderful enough.