Wondering...
Why what we do want never happens?
I am not sure if that is what I want but then sometimes I think yes. Maybe it is this visual I have had for so long in my head.... Some sort of amazing expectation that I need to fulfill it in real life.
Or maybe some people seem so WOW for no reason... Just are amazing and will be amazing. They do not have to do any wonderful miraculous anythinng. They just have to be for you to be so ga-ga over them,
That is how it has been for years.... and I mean years. This is how it will always be. It is a very strange relationship... but somehow this is a person who never fails to be there... even if I don't asked them to be there they pop up.
Unexpected surprises and acceptance at every bit of insanity that I contain..... and I mean just about every bit. Keeps staying. Keeps talking. Keeps coming back.
But I am terribly awkward in many ways and just fumble. I turn to some sort of jello/pudidng consistency around this person. Seriously, come on now. I ramble and babble and think that I make no sense, which I am sure he could tell. I have no nerves that are not uncertain....
It has been this way for oh let us see,,,, twelve years....
But his hugs are long lasting and very assuring. If I ask him to just stay and not move, let me hug him until I cannot anymore he does stay and never moves... Until I feel alright. That's a priceless attribute..
Now I am going to bed... I am tired.. and silly... and need to just breath.