my problem
Things have not been well as of late. Some may know, some may not, but I'm tired of keeping this to myself. I've told my close friends of the situation, but I think I'll feel better if i let all this loose.
My father finally left home two months ago after 26 years of constant fighting with my mother. He has always been a pacifist when it comes to domestic life...he was raised in a family where his father beat on his mother and him and his sisters, and he always told us he didnt fight back with mom because he didnt want us growing up in a family where anger and violence was the soup of the day, but it happened anyway.
My mom has always goaded him into arguments, picking fights and pushing him to his limits, which he never reached, miraculously. I can most literally say that I dont remember a single day that my mother didnt have something to fuss about, whether it was mundane or the beginning of world war three...about him, about their relationship, about me and my brothers, anything was fair game. He would sometimes not be able to sleep at night because she wouldnt let him sleep and keep him up yelling at him, accusing him of a gamut of things, and then hed have to leave to go operate heavy equipment on absolutely no sleep, then come back home the next afternoon just to start it all over again. No day was sacred either; christmas, easter, birthdays, anything was fair game to start a fight. When i tell people that i had few friends in school, i can tell they dont believe me, but its true because my mom would fuss about them or fuss AT them when they were over visiting, and it would embarass me to no end. When they left, I would catch hell for having them over at all.
The same thing goes for my girlfriends in life. Ive dated some doosies, all kinds of girls that were mean to me, but ive dated a few great ones that my mom drove off because she thought that they were worthless. I understand a mothers want for her son to have a good girl, having his best interests in mind, but its a bit much to bitch at her son's girlfriend because she didnt come over EVERY DAY. I didnt mind, mamma did. I remember dating a girl in college, named Jayme, who was awesome. She and i got along great, and she treated me like i had diamonds for teeth or something, but my mom said she didnt like the fact that her mom and dad were a military family and lived in an upscale suburban area, as if they were too high falootin', so like the others, i ended it. Thats right, i ended it. I tell people ive been broken up with everytime...i HAVE been broken up with a lot, but a few i ended because my mother would not leave me alone. I realise now that i shouldnt have done it, but back then i was subservient to my mother and did what she said for fear of her lash, because if she was mad at one, she was mad at ALL, and i certainly didnt want my daddy and brothers to catch it just because i wasnt going to leave a girl.
Well, my daddy finally left home, and ive felt SO awful since then. My mother has tried everything she could, from guilt trips to offering money to threats, for me to move home and start earning the family wages, which i wont, and i feel SO FUCKING GUILTY. Derek and Dillon are living on the land with their wives and children and they have to hear her mouth every day while i lounge in myrtle beach, blissfully disconnected from it all, and i feel so bad about it. We met daddy secretly in charleston a few weekends ago, and of course mamma found out about it and went apeshit. When she called to tell me she was angry, she said thats shes waited my whole life to tell me i was a dissaopintment as a son, and i know thats not true, because i think im a decent guy, but it still hurts like hell to hear that from your mom, no matter how mean she was in young life.
My father called her and told her that he hated her and that he was never coming home. I realise this choice is in his best interest, but if i stop to think about the fact that my entire family has fallen apart i come close to breaking down. He says hes backslid and aparantly hes gotten into alcohol (he was an alcoholic before he became a preacher) and drugs, and it blows my fucking mind away to think that the man behind the pulpit at church would backslide so far. If this can happen to him, there is most certainly no hope for me. Im constantly afraid of my mother taking her own life due to whats happened in the past.
All this is affecting my life in other aspects. Ive kept my car payment and insurance payments and cell payments all current, but ive completely stopped paying on my computer because im tired of them slapping me with finance charges and fees after ive already paid them a hefty ammount, so they can go to hell. My mood has become sullen as of late, which most people have taken as me being aloof and conceited, because i try to be as up as i can to not let people know that im about to go crazy. I dont know if my friends are angry with me because of my moods, but if theyre reading this, im really sorry.
Im not writing this for sympathy or pity, im writing it to get it out, because not matter how much i tell the few friends ive confided in, it gets worse. Its like cancer, the way you can cut it out, but even if theres a little left, itll grow back faster and stronger than before.
And i was wrong. I dont feel any better.
My father finally left home two months ago after 26 years of constant fighting with my mother. He has always been a pacifist when it comes to domestic life...he was raised in a family where his father beat on his mother and him and his sisters, and he always told us he didnt fight back with mom because he didnt want us growing up in a family where anger and violence was the soup of the day, but it happened anyway.
My mom has always goaded him into arguments, picking fights and pushing him to his limits, which he never reached, miraculously. I can most literally say that I dont remember a single day that my mother didnt have something to fuss about, whether it was mundane or the beginning of world war three...about him, about their relationship, about me and my brothers, anything was fair game. He would sometimes not be able to sleep at night because she wouldnt let him sleep and keep him up yelling at him, accusing him of a gamut of things, and then hed have to leave to go operate heavy equipment on absolutely no sleep, then come back home the next afternoon just to start it all over again. No day was sacred either; christmas, easter, birthdays, anything was fair game to start a fight. When i tell people that i had few friends in school, i can tell they dont believe me, but its true because my mom would fuss about them or fuss AT them when they were over visiting, and it would embarass me to no end. When they left, I would catch hell for having them over at all.
The same thing goes for my girlfriends in life. Ive dated some doosies, all kinds of girls that were mean to me, but ive dated a few great ones that my mom drove off because she thought that they were worthless. I understand a mothers want for her son to have a good girl, having his best interests in mind, but its a bit much to bitch at her son's girlfriend because she didnt come over EVERY DAY. I didnt mind, mamma did. I remember dating a girl in college, named Jayme, who was awesome. She and i got along great, and she treated me like i had diamonds for teeth or something, but my mom said she didnt like the fact that her mom and dad were a military family and lived in an upscale suburban area, as if they were too high falootin', so like the others, i ended it. Thats right, i ended it. I tell people ive been broken up with everytime...i HAVE been broken up with a lot, but a few i ended because my mother would not leave me alone. I realise now that i shouldnt have done it, but back then i was subservient to my mother and did what she said for fear of her lash, because if she was mad at one, she was mad at ALL, and i certainly didnt want my daddy and brothers to catch it just because i wasnt going to leave a girl.
Well, my daddy finally left home, and ive felt SO awful since then. My mother has tried everything she could, from guilt trips to offering money to threats, for me to move home and start earning the family wages, which i wont, and i feel SO FUCKING GUILTY. Derek and Dillon are living on the land with their wives and children and they have to hear her mouth every day while i lounge in myrtle beach, blissfully disconnected from it all, and i feel so bad about it. We met daddy secretly in charleston a few weekends ago, and of course mamma found out about it and went apeshit. When she called to tell me she was angry, she said thats shes waited my whole life to tell me i was a dissaopintment as a son, and i know thats not true, because i think im a decent guy, but it still hurts like hell to hear that from your mom, no matter how mean she was in young life.
My father called her and told her that he hated her and that he was never coming home. I realise this choice is in his best interest, but if i stop to think about the fact that my entire family has fallen apart i come close to breaking down. He says hes backslid and aparantly hes gotten into alcohol (he was an alcoholic before he became a preacher) and drugs, and it blows my fucking mind away to think that the man behind the pulpit at church would backslide so far. If this can happen to him, there is most certainly no hope for me. Im constantly afraid of my mother taking her own life due to whats happened in the past.
All this is affecting my life in other aspects. Ive kept my car payment and insurance payments and cell payments all current, but ive completely stopped paying on my computer because im tired of them slapping me with finance charges and fees after ive already paid them a hefty ammount, so they can go to hell. My mood has become sullen as of late, which most people have taken as me being aloof and conceited, because i try to be as up as i can to not let people know that im about to go crazy. I dont know if my friends are angry with me because of my moods, but if theyre reading this, im really sorry.
Im not writing this for sympathy or pity, im writing it to get it out, because not matter how much i tell the few friends ive confided in, it gets worse. Its like cancer, the way you can cut it out, but even if theres a little left, itll grow back faster and stronger than before.
And i was wrong. I dont feel any better.