loss
Soul-searching..
I do it more often then people think. I do it on, what are to me, monumental occasions. I do it when fear strikes me. I do it while driving randomly. I do it while taking a shower. I rarely do it when I am sitting in front of my computer such as I am now.
But this is a moment I must document for myself.
As a reminder..
..as a lesson.
Yesterday was, at the very least, a very, very scary day. I will not go into details of the "what" that made it scary. I will only say that the fear of losing my daughter had been so great.. so huge... so colossal.. that I could barely breathe, let alone manage to think straight. Things happened so impossibly fast that I was unable to... "get a grip" for lack of a better term. It was that bad..
I had no one to talk to.. to vocally confide in because the timing of this incident was just absolutely horrid. Early morning to noon time-frame... All I had were emails.. one person... and though this person is one of the few who mean everything to me, it was not enough to calm me in my moment of personal terror. I needed to hear a calming/reassuring voice to bring me down because I was failing to be able to handle my emotions on my own. And I honestly did not want to ask for this from the one person I DID confide in because I knew that Mondays were one of their "busy days" and I abhor being a bother to anyone. I really really do. Very few people know how much.
Perhaps that, in and of itself, was my greatest mistake.
Not vocalizing my need for a 5 minute verbal conversation.
My need for help...
I failed myself in that moment. And I failed my friend in the moments after. I said things in a panic. Made rash decisions that seemed right to me at that time. I withdrew from every one we mutually knew.. but somehow, in my fear-induced haze, I managed not to walk completely away from my friend.
However, it seems that there was a miscommunication. For now I am truly losing the one thing I have held dearest to my heart for over a decade. Things are to be different because of my hastiness and I know that it is, indeed, no one's fault but my own.
My fault for failing to make myself clear.
My fault for failing to ask for 5 minutes.
My fault for failing to get control of my emotions and remain clear-minded.
I have a very clear idea for what my future holds now in the aftermath of yesterday.
I will accept the consequences of such despite knowing that my words were not perceived in the manner I had originally intended.
What's said is said... and what is to be done, is to be done.
There is nothing I can say/do to change that fact.
This was my fault and my fault alone.
In short.. I failed.
I do it more often then people think. I do it on, what are to me, monumental occasions. I do it when fear strikes me. I do it while driving randomly. I do it while taking a shower. I rarely do it when I am sitting in front of my computer such as I am now.
But this is a moment I must document for myself.
As a reminder..
..as a lesson.
Yesterday was, at the very least, a very, very scary day. I will not go into details of the "what" that made it scary. I will only say that the fear of losing my daughter had been so great.. so huge... so colossal.. that I could barely breathe, let alone manage to think straight. Things happened so impossibly fast that I was unable to... "get a grip" for lack of a better term. It was that bad..
I had no one to talk to.. to vocally confide in because the timing of this incident was just absolutely horrid. Early morning to noon time-frame... All I had were emails.. one person... and though this person is one of the few who mean everything to me, it was not enough to calm me in my moment of personal terror. I needed to hear a calming/reassuring voice to bring me down because I was failing to be able to handle my emotions on my own. And I honestly did not want to ask for this from the one person I DID confide in because I knew that Mondays were one of their "busy days" and I abhor being a bother to anyone. I really really do. Very few people know how much.
Perhaps that, in and of itself, was my greatest mistake.
Not vocalizing my need for a 5 minute verbal conversation.
My need for help...
I failed myself in that moment. And I failed my friend in the moments after. I said things in a panic. Made rash decisions that seemed right to me at that time. I withdrew from every one we mutually knew.. but somehow, in my fear-induced haze, I managed not to walk completely away from my friend.
However, it seems that there was a miscommunication. For now I am truly losing the one thing I have held dearest to my heart for over a decade. Things are to be different because of my hastiness and I know that it is, indeed, no one's fault but my own.
My fault for failing to make myself clear.
My fault for failing to ask for 5 minutes.
My fault for failing to get control of my emotions and remain clear-minded.
I have a very clear idea for what my future holds now in the aftermath of yesterday.
I will accept the consequences of such despite knowing that my words were not perceived in the manner I had originally intended.
What's said is said... and what is to be done, is to be done.
There is nothing I can say/do to change that fact.
This was my fault and my fault alone.
In short.. I failed.