And when I am punished, I shall dread it, and suffer it and understand it and accept it.
It's been a week since my uncle's funeral. Yesterday I was written up for missing work that week. It took all I had not to start crying when he was pointing out the days I had missed last week due to my uncle's death. Now I have to have perfect attendance until July 12th or be written up again. Ecamer says I should apply for FMLA. He says that my anxiety over my uncle's death made it impossible to work and I should get the paperwork so I have have my doctor fill it out and then put me on another anti-anxiety medication.
Other things are going on at work too but I really don't want to talk about it. I'm just realizing I am being forced into becoming someone I don't want to be. For fucks sake, there are times when I wish that my anxiety wasnt so god-damned crippling and I could be 'normal'.
My grandmother keeps calling me. She calls me at work so I honestly have an excuse not to answer. She tells me repeatedly how much she loves me and makes me feel like the guy who dumped his psychotic, bi-polar girlfriend and now has to deal with the creepy phone calls of love and hate. She keeps asking me to call her back and I don't know what to do, so I just do nothing.
At least I was able to hear my Father's voice today. I really needed that. And I was able to hang with kindergoth briefly until she dumped me to go back to her grandmother's. Now I am left alone with my thoughts.
I miss my larissa_13. I wish she was here so we could grill, watch movies, and just cuddle.
I think I am going to go play the Anti-Christ Superstar album at full volume now while I clean and wear myself out to where I cant think anymore.
Then a hot shower and bed.
Other things are going on at work too but I really don't want to talk about it. I'm just realizing I am being forced into becoming someone I don't want to be. For fucks sake, there are times when I wish that my anxiety wasnt so god-damned crippling and I could be 'normal'.
My grandmother keeps calling me. She calls me at work so I honestly have an excuse not to answer. She tells me repeatedly how much she loves me and makes me feel like the guy who dumped his psychotic, bi-polar girlfriend and now has to deal with the creepy phone calls of love and hate. She keeps asking me to call her back and I don't know what to do, so I just do nothing.
At least I was able to hear my Father's voice today. I really needed that. And I was able to hang with kindergoth briefly until she dumped me to go back to her grandmother's. Now I am left alone with my thoughts.
I miss my larissa_13. I wish she was here so we could grill, watch movies, and just cuddle.
I think I am going to go play the Anti-Christ Superstar album at full volume now while I clean and wear myself out to where I cant think anymore.
Then a hot shower and bed.