Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.
I love snakes. I love the coolness of their bodies, the smoothness of their scales, the amazing musculature that allows them to wrap themselves around anything or arise and "stand" without tipping over. They fascinate me. In my mind they are beautiful, legless, dragon-like creatures.
I have not always felt this way.
When I was young, I was terrified of them. My mom would take me out into the desert, 'bottle hunting' and when we would stumble across one, she would make my dad crush its skull with a shovel. Now, granted... these were rattle-snakes we were dealing with. And they are definitely NOT something anyone would want to find themselves face-to-face with. They are evil-looking and mean as hell. But, even looking back, I thought it was horrible the way my parents would chase them down just to kill them. At 7 or 8 years old I remembered questioning why we were killing them out in the middle of the desert. Why not just let them alone, leave them be? They were not in our house, or on our property. And when we would drive down the road, and see one cross, my mother would hit it intentionally, back up, and run over it again 2-3 times to make certain it was dead. "Snakes are Satan's creatures" she would say, planting the seed of fear in my heart.
Then one day my dad took me to a pet-store that sold reptiles. More of a mom&pop business, really. I remember walking down the isle of glass enclosures, gazing at them. Watching as they slithered slowly against the glass. At some point, the owner had taken out one. I'm going to assume it was a rat snake at this point, or perhaps a corn. It was his personal pet that he kept there and was still a baby at four feet long. Well maybe not a baby.. but an adolescent at the very least. Still young enough to have attitude despite being held every day. I watched as he handled it with ease, fascinated that the snake did not try to bite him.
He saw me standing there and paused, looking at me a moment, before walking toward me. He squatted down in front of me, the snake firmly in his grasp and asked me if I would like to hold it. I was petrified. My heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe. It's was all I could do to not back away. Instead I found myself nodding. He had me hold out my hands, placing the snake in them and instructing me how to handle it. Once he was certain I was alright, he let go of my hands and stood back up, reminding me to be careful not to drop it.
I was shaking as I felt the snake tighten its body around my arm and wrist. The fear only escalated as it forced it's way from the 'safe' grasp I had on it, turning its head to gaze in my eyes, its black tongue flicking.
Suddenly, without warning, it reared back and struck at me with lightening fast reflexes.
I remember my heart feeling like it was going to explode, jumping out of my skin as I nearly dropped it. The owner, afraid it would end up on the floor, took it back and asked if I was alright. I nodded at him and ran off to find my dad so I could gush about how I got to hold a snake. I was so proud of myself for not dropping it despite my feelings of assumed danger. Watching all the National Geographic shows on snakes in the world would not have eased my fear of them like this experience had. This does not go to say that I no longer maintain a healthy fear of rattle snakes. I do.. But I know enough not to lump them in with "all" snakes. My fears of them are justified. They could hurt me.
After that, I grew up always wanting a pet snake.
It is because of this 'life experience' I have tried to face the majority of my fears (both big and small) in life by just "jumping in" and desensitizing myself. Most people would call my choice of doing things this way reckless, perhaps even stupid. Perhaps they are right. All I know is that it is what works for me. It is the base for what causes me to take a chance at something I know could destroy me in one form or another but could also leave me feeling as though my life was better for it.
► It was what caused me to move to Arizona, no job, no plan, knowing no-one but an online persona who offered me a roof over my head.
► It is what caused me to choose to hitch-hike from Florida to Texas after basically being 'dumped' by a boyfriend at a Greyhound station after traveling with him, instead of trying to find a way to live there.
► It was what caused me to model.
► It was what caused me to take my first night drive with Vampy after knowing him only a couple of hours.
► It was what caused me to go out and meet my husband, see my dad again, and reconnect with my Father...
I regret none of these decisions, as crazy as they may be. I have found when I face my fears like this, it always ends up for the better. It may not 'seem' better at the time. And my reason for making the decision may be somewhat skewed. But all in all it just comes down to the act of facing the unknown and embracing it. No matter what may come.
I have not always felt this way.
When I was young, I was terrified of them. My mom would take me out into the desert, 'bottle hunting' and when we would stumble across one, she would make my dad crush its skull with a shovel. Now, granted... these were rattle-snakes we were dealing with. And they are definitely NOT something anyone would want to find themselves face-to-face with. They are evil-looking and mean as hell. But, even looking back, I thought it was horrible the way my parents would chase them down just to kill them. At 7 or 8 years old I remembered questioning why we were killing them out in the middle of the desert. Why not just let them alone, leave them be? They were not in our house, or on our property. And when we would drive down the road, and see one cross, my mother would hit it intentionally, back up, and run over it again 2-3 times to make certain it was dead. "Snakes are Satan's creatures" she would say, planting the seed of fear in my heart.
Then one day my dad took me to a pet-store that sold reptiles. More of a mom&pop business, really. I remember walking down the isle of glass enclosures, gazing at them. Watching as they slithered slowly against the glass. At some point, the owner had taken out one. I'm going to assume it was a rat snake at this point, or perhaps a corn. It was his personal pet that he kept there and was still a baby at four feet long. Well maybe not a baby.. but an adolescent at the very least. Still young enough to have attitude despite being held every day. I watched as he handled it with ease, fascinated that the snake did not try to bite him.
He saw me standing there and paused, looking at me a moment, before walking toward me. He squatted down in front of me, the snake firmly in his grasp and asked me if I would like to hold it. I was petrified. My heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe. It's was all I could do to not back away. Instead I found myself nodding. He had me hold out my hands, placing the snake in them and instructing me how to handle it. Once he was certain I was alright, he let go of my hands and stood back up, reminding me to be careful not to drop it.
I was shaking as I felt the snake tighten its body around my arm and wrist. The fear only escalated as it forced it's way from the 'safe' grasp I had on it, turning its head to gaze in my eyes, its black tongue flicking.
Suddenly, without warning, it reared back and struck at me with lightening fast reflexes.
I remember my heart feeling like it was going to explode, jumping out of my skin as I nearly dropped it. The owner, afraid it would end up on the floor, took it back and asked if I was alright. I nodded at him and ran off to find my dad so I could gush about how I got to hold a snake. I was so proud of myself for not dropping it despite my feelings of assumed danger. Watching all the National Geographic shows on snakes in the world would not have eased my fear of them like this experience had. This does not go to say that I no longer maintain a healthy fear of rattle snakes. I do.. But I know enough not to lump them in with "all" snakes. My fears of them are justified. They could hurt me.
After that, I grew up always wanting a pet snake.
It is because of this 'life experience' I have tried to face the majority of my fears (both big and small) in life by just "jumping in" and desensitizing myself. Most people would call my choice of doing things this way reckless, perhaps even stupid. Perhaps they are right. All I know is that it is what works for me. It is the base for what causes me to take a chance at something I know could destroy me in one form or another but could also leave me feeling as though my life was better for it.
► It was what caused me to move to Arizona, no job, no plan, knowing no-one but an online persona who offered me a roof over my head.
► It is what caused me to choose to hitch-hike from Florida to Texas after basically being 'dumped' by a boyfriend at a Greyhound station after traveling with him, instead of trying to find a way to live there.
► It was what caused me to model.
► It was what caused me to take my first night drive with Vampy after knowing him only a couple of hours.
► It was what caused me to go out and meet my husband, see my dad again, and reconnect with my Father...
I regret none of these decisions, as crazy as they may be. I have found when I face my fears like this, it always ends up for the better. It may not 'seem' better at the time. And my reason for making the decision may be somewhat skewed. But all in all it just comes down to the act of facing the unknown and embracing it. No matter what may come.