in my head
Twenty-four tears from a dead angels eyes leak black onto the pillow where she lays her head, cracked and faded like an old china doll... Her memories stir through her lifeless corpse and a smile breaks her blue lips. "Not here", she says, then shes gone... The blood turns to ashes and a sense of loss prevails, a disembodied voice tells me "No one wins" and I accept this without question... A scream transcends reality and a thousand mirrors smash, oblivion becomes truth and we all become lies... Perceptions alter and what was white becomes red, the innocents have seen this before, ask them... The spirit of perfection is alive here, offering her pale soft hand to the blinded men who beg for absolution from the eternity they suffer, beg for the real death that both she and I know can never be achieved... Turning to me she becomes stricken with infinity, aware of the aware, and I see that where her eyes once were bright, shining endless time, now theres only lascivious insanity... A wretched soul, bereft of the compassion she had promised, become a vessel for the souls of the soulless only to be deprived her own... No sympathy for the dispossessed, the broken or the lonely... "You'll never be forgotten" She whispers in my ear, "You'll never be forgiven" She whispers in my head, "You'll never be allowed to die" She screams into my dreams... The sickness that destroys, the certainty of demise, the abject humiliation of being aware... Glass shards reflect the hollow, force the truth and expect all that can't be given for their troubles... "Follow the future" Cry the beggars from the eternal damnation that they bare, "Don't be afraid"... Tempted by temptation, tarnished by a scarlet imperfection that appeals to the wasters and the the wasted, I accept the offer and begin to fall... Into the mouth of redemption the burnt soar, ushered on by madness and contaminated with the sanity of the unquestioned... Abandoned by my guide, forsaken and left alone, smashed and broken by the bones of everyone I once loved... A spiteful laugh echoes in a thousand recognizable voices that pivot and crash against the walls of this unfamiliar cell, filling it slowly with the hatred I already drown in... The demons appear then, reveal themselves finally, these hideous wraiths of illusion and disillusion who wear the shrouds of shadow that blanket every corner of every consciousness they've ever consumed... "See, you'll NEVER be forgiven", I hear her voice and believe for a moment I'm saved, "Never forget, never forgotten" she speaks so softly... Porcelain blades swing, cut me loose from the umbilical binds that have burnt and slit my wrists, pools of despair join the rush as it spills from my veins... Acceptance wins the war, an undisputed battle of attrition that I always knew I wouldn't win... I give in... The pleas of the suffering are once again ignored as my angel appears and blankets me in the warmth that only submission has to offer...