If you could have dinner with anyone in all of history, who would it be and why?
I had the chance to say one last good-bye to my mother, which makes me feel almost kind of bad for choosing her, since that's what so many people seem to want out of their hypothetical dinner.
Except, in a way, I guess I didn't really say good-bye to her. For a long time, I didn't know her, really. Or I didn't let myself believe that the her I knew was really her.
But I don't need good-byes anymore.
I just want to tell her how sorry I am.
I'm sorry that I believed there was something bad inside her.
I'm sorry that I believed that all the gifts she passed on to me were wrong, at the heart.
I'm sorry I used them, anyway, relied on them, thanked God for them, and still cursed her deep down at the same time. Still blamed her for making me into a ... thing.
I've told her, you know. A million times, in my head. And I believe that she can hear me. But if I could just have the chance to sit down at our old kitchen table, just Mom and I, one more time, if I could just see her face and say the words out loud. There's nothing I wouldn't give for that.
Except, in a way, I guess I didn't really say good-bye to her. For a long time, I didn't know her, really. Or I didn't let myself believe that the her I knew was really her.
But I don't need good-byes anymore.
I just want to tell her how sorry I am.
I'm sorry that I believed there was something bad inside her.
I'm sorry that I believed that all the gifts she passed on to me were wrong, at the heart.
I'm sorry I used them, anyway, relied on them, thanked God for them, and still cursed her deep down at the same time. Still blamed her for making me into a ... thing.
I've told her, you know. A million times, in my head. And I believe that she can hear me. But if I could just have the chance to sit down at our old kitchen table, just Mom and I, one more time, if I could just see her face and say the words out loud. There's nothing I wouldn't give for that.