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You Know You Drink Too Much When...
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties.
You have a "happy hour" at home
When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong?
You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land
Although you drove home the other night you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
Your favorite drink is ethanol.
"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!"
"I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender."
You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before
Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while
You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast
You frequently urinate outdoors.
When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't.
You fall asleep taking a dump.
You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.
You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
You find it's easier to study drunk.
You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.
Beer ads make sense.
You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
You mix your cocktails by the litre.
You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss.
When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
"Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
You can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
"Take me drunk, I'm home!"
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
You drink to get over a hangover.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much.
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You Know You're a Pothead When...
You think the song "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.
Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle.
Your bong is taller than your dog.
It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.
You set your wedding date for 4/20.
You take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.
You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.
You start every sentence with - uhhh!.
You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.
You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.
You wear sunglasses at night, and see better.
You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.
Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.
Your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
You sell your car for gas money
You are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, "Is that my cigarette?"
You're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home!
Every cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device....
Just to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone.
Someone has ever come up to you on the street and said "Hi" and you said "Yep."
You thought the ebola virus was a type of weed.
You think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out.
You have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.
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You Know You're Addicted to Smoking When...
You put scotch tape on a broken one.
You only smoke half of the cigarette so you can start on the next one sooner.
A big white truck with the picture of a camel rolls up to your house twice a week with your supply of smokes.
You are considering changing your name to Malboro.
You smoke in the shower.
You've convinced yourself that second-hand smoke is not harmful if you inhale really really deeply.
Your children are named: Winston, Philip Morris and Misty.
R.J. Reynolds sends you a Christmas card.
You're waiting for the last few pews to become a designated smoking area before you'll go back to church.
People invite you outside to admire the stars, and it's daytime.
Every time you light up a cigarette your family stops, drops and rolls.
Your family's Christmas wish list consists of gas masks, fire extinguishers and air fresheners.
You have an environmental awareness group protesting on your lawn.
Your family goes to Los Angeles for fresh air.
Your friends have named their secondhand smoke related coughs after me.
Your cat has taken to wearing "The Patch"
Your family uses fog horns to navigate around you.
Just watching the 400 metre race during the Olympics makes you tired.
The local iron lung dealer sends you their product brochures.
Phillip Morris sends you their annual report and thanks you for your help.
You recently read somewhere that your former cigarette manufacturer went out of business shortly after you switched to a new brand.
Your doctor [excitedly] asks for your permission to use your lung x-rays at his next "Quit Smoking" seminar.
You take baths because the shower puts 'em out
Your nickname at work is "Breakroom."
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Smoking.
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You Know You're From Massachusetts When...
The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.
When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water.
You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Barre and Cotuit.
You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer.
You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and that they're both crooks.
You know what they sell at a packie.
You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
You can actually find your way around Boston.
Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday.
You know what First Night is.
You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.
You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
You have never been to Cheers.
When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Pats would move to Hartford.
You have gone to at least one party at UMass.
The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools.
You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.
You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever.
You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs.
You pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series not this season, but in your lifetime.
You know how to make a frappe.
You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's.
You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one.
You never go to "Cape Cod", you go "down the Cape".
You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar school.
You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the biggest outdoor antique market in the world.
You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day.
You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that Fall River is 90% Lebanese.
You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.
You've called something "wicked pissa"
You have driven to either Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Vermont for a tattoo.
You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), and Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) in the local supermarket and it doesn't phase you.
You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater
Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie)
Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.
You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round
You still try to order curly fries from Burger King
You order iced coffee in January
You know what candlepin bowling is
You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax
You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop
You know what a "regular" coffee is
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.
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