Confession 1.1
A singular thought has been going through my head about my grandmothers death. And I don't think it was really clear in my first post about it.
I am slightly angry that I was lied to about it. About them pulling the plug. Not intentionally lied to, but I was given misinformation.
My family kept telling me "There's time for you to come and say goodbye."
That's what I remember. I was told I had time.
I was told not to worry and to take my finals. I had time.
That thought kept going through my head, and still does.
I had time.
Turns out I didn't. They made the decision for her to be gone without me getting a chance to say goodbye. To see her one more time. To be there with the family.
I had time.
To sit there with everyone and smile at the good memories. To be walked through the grief with the pastors, not that I would have felt comfortable with it, but I would have had the option.
I had time.
But as it turned out I didn't. And really I think that's what's still killing me about this. That because I didn't get to go through it with my family. As much as a black sheep as I am, I wanted to be there.
They said I had time.
But I feel betrayed.
But there's nothing that we can do about it now.
And looking forward I'm scared. My grandfather isn't long, I can feel it. Really all he has now, and the reason I think he's not already given up, is taking care of my Uncle. But my grandfathers health isn't great and I worry that without my grandmother there telling him to watch his blood sugars that he's going to turn south very quickly. And its not his passing that I'm scared about.
I'm scared that my family has been through this all before, and will know the motions to go through, know what to say and how to act. But it will be all new to me. I wasn't there the first time, and now what if I do something wrong?
That is one of my greatest fears in life. Doing something wrong. Doing something that will obviously say that I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to screw up in front of everyone, in front of my family who I will have to see every day.
This is why I'm worried. Because when I don't know what to do, I shut down. And that's going to make my family angry. My mother hates that I don't show emotion, or when I do, it's at an "inappropriate time." I'm going to shut down in front of my family and they are going to hate me for it. I wont know what to do.
I'm thinking of moving far away just so I wont have to deal with it. Am I really that bad of a daughter/sister/niece?
Does it make me a bad person that I just want to run from the family so I don't disappoint them? Just so I don't do the wrong thing? Does running away make me a wuss?
I'm still not over the first death. I couldn't even watch 8 simple rule for dating my teenage daughter today. It was the episode right after the actor died so they were going through the motions of the character dieing.
It made me realize that I never went through the motions with my family. And that hurts.
Outcast as always.
I am slightly angry that I was lied to about it. About them pulling the plug. Not intentionally lied to, but I was given misinformation.
My family kept telling me "There's time for you to come and say goodbye."
That's what I remember. I was told I had time.
I was told not to worry and to take my finals. I had time.
That thought kept going through my head, and still does.
I had time.
Turns out I didn't. They made the decision for her to be gone without me getting a chance to say goodbye. To see her one more time. To be there with the family.
I had time.
To sit there with everyone and smile at the good memories. To be walked through the grief with the pastors, not that I would have felt comfortable with it, but I would have had the option.
I had time.
But as it turned out I didn't. And really I think that's what's still killing me about this. That because I didn't get to go through it with my family. As much as a black sheep as I am, I wanted to be there.
They said I had time.
But I feel betrayed.
But there's nothing that we can do about it now.
And looking forward I'm scared. My grandfather isn't long, I can feel it. Really all he has now, and the reason I think he's not already given up, is taking care of my Uncle. But my grandfathers health isn't great and I worry that without my grandmother there telling him to watch his blood sugars that he's going to turn south very quickly. And its not his passing that I'm scared about.
I'm scared that my family has been through this all before, and will know the motions to go through, know what to say and how to act. But it will be all new to me. I wasn't there the first time, and now what if I do something wrong?
That is one of my greatest fears in life. Doing something wrong. Doing something that will obviously say that I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to screw up in front of everyone, in front of my family who I will have to see every day.
This is why I'm worried. Because when I don't know what to do, I shut down. And that's going to make my family angry. My mother hates that I don't show emotion, or when I do, it's at an "inappropriate time." I'm going to shut down in front of my family and they are going to hate me for it. I wont know what to do.
I'm thinking of moving far away just so I wont have to deal with it. Am I really that bad of a daughter/sister/niece?
Does it make me a bad person that I just want to run from the family so I don't disappoint them? Just so I don't do the wrong thing? Does running away make me a wuss?
I'm still not over the first death. I couldn't even watch 8 simple rule for dating my teenage daughter today. It was the episode right after the actor died so they were going through the motions of the character dieing.
It made me realize that I never went through the motions with my family. And that hurts.
Outcast as always.