Just so.......argh.
My brother is back in town. I was so excited because I hadn't seen him in a long time. He was the first person I told about my relationship with Sophie. He was supportive the way I thought family was supposed to be about these types of things. I knew I could never get that from my father because of how he feels about homosexuality (which seems so strange for me to include myself in that estranged word - it sounds so technical and perhaps has a negative tinge to it. I don't know). I *knew* my mother would be fine with it, but I didn't want her to have to keep a secret from my dad, so I didn't tell her. It got confusing and just plain tiresome.
Ever since my mother has found out I feel like she doesn't understand. In theory it would be ok for her daughter to be (gasp) gay (which I don't even know if I am so wtf), but in actuality she is uncomfortable with it. She said "I know a lot of gay people and none of them are happy." What am I supposed to take from that? Really now? Or what about the time she literally yelled at me: "Why don't you just go fuck some women?" Yeah, that one made me feel real good. Seriously, it made me feel like a fucking princess. Honestly, I know she didn't mean it; she was angry with my brother and I got caught in the crossfire, but that is still what she jumps to. This was 3 weeks after Sophie dumped me. I felt AWESOME! (I might be a little sarcastic just then).
She just isn't as supportive as I thought she would be. Now she wants me have a 'talk' with my father about my sexuality or some shit. And that is where my brother comes in. I got to talking about it with him and... fuck. He makes sense but it just left me feeling so wounded and angry. I mean I'm not even angry with dad; he's a bigot. At least he's upfront about it - I never had my hopes up, so not a big deal. But my mom.... Right now, crazily enough, I would rather have this extremely awkward conversation with my father that would likely end in tears and horrible tense silences, then talk to my mother about anything...ever. I just am so angry with her.
And I'm angry with Jeff (my brother), but I think that's because he brought all this stuff up. I mean I brought it up, but he is just so...infuriatingly my brother. Y'know? Probably not making any sense. At this point I couldn't give a fuck. I am so angry and hurt and ... tired. I am just tired.
Tonight I asked him, "Do you think it would just be easier if I started to date guys?" And in that second of silence before he told me I was an idiot, I thought about it.
I was right. It would be so much simpler. If only, right?
Godamn it. Fuck me.
please have a better day than me.
sara
Ever since my mother has found out I feel like she doesn't understand. In theory it would be ok for her daughter to be (gasp) gay (which I don't even know if I am so wtf), but in actuality she is uncomfortable with it. She said "I know a lot of gay people and none of them are happy." What am I supposed to take from that? Really now? Or what about the time she literally yelled at me: "Why don't you just go fuck some women?" Yeah, that one made me feel real good. Seriously, it made me feel like a fucking princess. Honestly, I know she didn't mean it; she was angry with my brother and I got caught in the crossfire, but that is still what she jumps to. This was 3 weeks after Sophie dumped me. I felt AWESOME! (I might be a little sarcastic just then).
She just isn't as supportive as I thought she would be. Now she wants me have a 'talk' with my father about my sexuality or some shit. And that is where my brother comes in. I got to talking about it with him and... fuck. He makes sense but it just left me feeling so wounded and angry. I mean I'm not even angry with dad; he's a bigot. At least he's upfront about it - I never had my hopes up, so not a big deal. But my mom.... Right now, crazily enough, I would rather have this extremely awkward conversation with my father that would likely end in tears and horrible tense silences, then talk to my mother about anything...ever. I just am so angry with her.
And I'm angry with Jeff (my brother), but I think that's because he brought all this stuff up. I mean I brought it up, but he is just so...infuriatingly my brother. Y'know? Probably not making any sense. At this point I couldn't give a fuck. I am so angry and hurt and ... tired. I am just tired.
Tonight I asked him, "Do you think it would just be easier if I started to date guys?" And in that second of silence before he told me I was an idiot, I thought about it.
I was right. It would be so much simpler. If only, right?
Godamn it. Fuck me.
please have a better day than me.
sara