this long and will probably bore you.
i keep having this feeling of dread in my chest. a tightness telling me something's going to happen, and i may not like it. i don't know what it is. i can't figure it out.
i have this horrible notion that i will forever walk this earth a zombie. i can't seem to fall in love. i'm starting to think that maybe i am a lesbian. i can't seem to get really serious about a boy, and stay that way.
yes, i do have feelings for o'brien, but i think they were sparked by jealousy. we were talking the other night about said jealousy, and "what are we going to tell *insert my friend's name here* about us?" me:"there is no us." ..... jesse:"can you imagine us dating?" (said in a whimsical tone) me:"no, i can't." (in a serious tone)
i need to stop living in the past. my present is filled with it. that's part of the reason why i want to go back to michigan. everything there was the present. there was barely any past. all i had in front of me and with me was the future. whether it looked bleak or not. the only things i looked forward to in that past year was a)coming home to jesse or b)my ann arborites. i was okay with that.
now i'm home with everything from when i moved here in 1998 and forward weighing on me. i'm starting to remember things i did or said that were extremely embarrassing or just bad in general. i'm worried that people will still hold that over my head. i know that they will, if i allow it to control me. the more i keep thinking about it, the more i'd like to drink, or toke up, or just fuck someone. my self-respect is going down. what little i'd gained is dissipating. i want to feel close to someone i haven't slept/fooled around with or kissed. i want to feel comfortable talking to my bestest gals without remembering the ways i'd wronged them in the past.
jenny: when she was dating ben, i was still obsessed with him. i told her that someday, he would be mine again.
becca: once again with ben. i walked passed her, tapped her on her cheek, which apparently ended up being a slap.... because i'd asked her not to kiss ben in front of me and she did.
mandy: the list is a bit long here. let's leave it as "friend obsessed with spending time with her"
they're my lifers. jenny and becca have stuck with me through everything. mandy and i are repairing what i'd damaged. granted, she had a part in it, too. yet, i feel i did most of the handywork there.
i've done some things since i've been home that i wish i hadn't. i fooled around with someone here that i'd become close to when i was in michigan. now i'm paranoid that he's afraid to be alone with me, perchance that i might try to molest him or something.
i (annoyingly) pressure another male friend of mine to kiss me. i was in a kissing mood, and he was there. i wouldn't fucking shut up about it. so he gave me a quick peck on the lips just before he got out of the car. i was astounded, but also felt like an ass because i wouldn't let up about it before the osculation. (i love that word.)
i would like to find someone that isn't a friend of mine, and never has been. i am more than willing to leave everything behind me that i once had. just enough so that it doesn't hinder anything i'm going to do in the future. i want to meet someone new. i don't know how to do this.
i feel inadequate because i haven't gone to school. i feel as though if i do meet someone my age and they are in school, they will not accept me for the mildly sentient being i am, and will reject because of a lack of education.
on the same note, people are telling me i am intelligent. i have failed to see this. i can barely hold a political conversation, or talk about art, etc etc etc. i don't read the newspaper and have no desire to. it's bloody fucking depressing. if i need a laugh, i read the police/fire logs in the rochester times.
there's also my financial situation, or lack thereof. i tend to spend money more often living at my mom's house. i like living on my own because i'd actually have some of my paycheck left at the beginning of a new pay period. i was lucky to have $30 dollars when i got paid yesterday. it was the first time i'd either not had any/been in the red because of overdrawing my account.
i would like to take an accounting class so that i can better balance my check book. i don't use checks. i do not like them. my mother still has yet to cash a $25 dollar check i wrote in late august/early september. hence, why i don't write checks.
i may have the stylings of an eating disorder. i think this only because i can't gain weight, and i have a hard time finding something i want to eat. i'm very picky, and it might kill me. i like oatmeal, sushi, cheezits, hot dogs, chinese food, pizza, seafood, pasta, ramen, and steak and cheese subs. that about sums it up. oh! and mild thai cuisine. now you can see why i looked like a goddamned ethiopian when i came home. i also like exotic fruits, and bananas dipped in peanut butter then dipped in honey nut cheerios. and "ants on a log".
i'm worried that about visiting my father in california. i'm afraid that i might not be able to tear myself away from jesse when i see him. that i'll go into mega-depressed mode for the whole fucking vacation. that i might try to sleep with him, which will only make it worse. i'm worried that my dad will ask me why i'm crying so much after i say good-bye to jesse. about how i will explain to him that i'm afraid of failure and dating jesse was something i failed to succeed in doing. that i will have to leave my closest friend behind, the one person who went through more shit with me than my toilet. someone who's seen me cry for no reason and understood. someone who knows me better than i know myself at times. someone who understands when i make my cute squeaky noises. (actually, o'brien has gotten the gist of them.) someone i had wanted to have kids with and spend my life with for the first time ever, even though that feeling hadn't lasted. he gave me more chances than there are cards in the pile in "monopoly".
don't misunderstand me. i have no desire to live in california. the state doesn't appeal to me. i liked michigan. it was perfect, in a sense. i know jesse, kristoff(oph), and shannon are looking as though i'm crazy, but that's because they've lived there forever. it's different when you're from out of state. a new beginning was what i needed, and received.
i'm done ranting now. goodnight everyone. i have to be up in 2 hours. i might'nt sleep. but i'm sure as hell going to try.
i do feel a bit better now. there's more i didn't post. mostly because i'm not comfortable with it.
if any of this applies to you and your name wasn't mentioned, there's a goddamned reason for it. if you fall into this category and want to reply, make sure it's anonymous. there's somethings that people might'nt know about that i'd like to keep that way.
if you have any problems about this post, feel free to comment. leave the "use the lj-cut" comments on the side table. i don't want to hide this behind a stupid link.
i'm content, and hungry. really fucking hungry.
i have this horrible notion that i will forever walk this earth a zombie. i can't seem to fall in love. i'm starting to think that maybe i am a lesbian. i can't seem to get really serious about a boy, and stay that way.
yes, i do have feelings for o'brien, but i think they were sparked by jealousy. we were talking the other night about said jealousy, and "what are we going to tell *insert my friend's name here* about us?" me:"there is no us." ..... jesse:"can you imagine us dating?" (said in a whimsical tone) me:"no, i can't." (in a serious tone)
i need to stop living in the past. my present is filled with it. that's part of the reason why i want to go back to michigan. everything there was the present. there was barely any past. all i had in front of me and with me was the future. whether it looked bleak or not. the only things i looked forward to in that past year was a)coming home to jesse or b)my ann arborites. i was okay with that.
now i'm home with everything from when i moved here in 1998 and forward weighing on me. i'm starting to remember things i did or said that were extremely embarrassing or just bad in general. i'm worried that people will still hold that over my head. i know that they will, if i allow it to control me. the more i keep thinking about it, the more i'd like to drink, or toke up, or just fuck someone. my self-respect is going down. what little i'd gained is dissipating. i want to feel close to someone i haven't slept/fooled around with or kissed. i want to feel comfortable talking to my bestest gals without remembering the ways i'd wronged them in the past.
jenny: when she was dating ben, i was still obsessed with him. i told her that someday, he would be mine again.
becca: once again with ben. i walked passed her, tapped her on her cheek, which apparently ended up being a slap.... because i'd asked her not to kiss ben in front of me and she did.
mandy: the list is a bit long here. let's leave it as "friend obsessed with spending time with her"
they're my lifers. jenny and becca have stuck with me through everything. mandy and i are repairing what i'd damaged. granted, she had a part in it, too. yet, i feel i did most of the handywork there.
i've done some things since i've been home that i wish i hadn't. i fooled around with someone here that i'd become close to when i was in michigan. now i'm paranoid that he's afraid to be alone with me, perchance that i might try to molest him or something.
i (annoyingly) pressure another male friend of mine to kiss me. i was in a kissing mood, and he was there. i wouldn't fucking shut up about it. so he gave me a quick peck on the lips just before he got out of the car. i was astounded, but also felt like an ass because i wouldn't let up about it before the osculation. (i love that word.)
i would like to find someone that isn't a friend of mine, and never has been. i am more than willing to leave everything behind me that i once had. just enough so that it doesn't hinder anything i'm going to do in the future. i want to meet someone new. i don't know how to do this.
i feel inadequate because i haven't gone to school. i feel as though if i do meet someone my age and they are in school, they will not accept me for the mildly sentient being i am, and will reject because of a lack of education.
on the same note, people are telling me i am intelligent. i have failed to see this. i can barely hold a political conversation, or talk about art, etc etc etc. i don't read the newspaper and have no desire to. it's bloody fucking depressing. if i need a laugh, i read the police/fire logs in the rochester times.
there's also my financial situation, or lack thereof. i tend to spend money more often living at my mom's house. i like living on my own because i'd actually have some of my paycheck left at the beginning of a new pay period. i was lucky to have $30 dollars when i got paid yesterday. it was the first time i'd either not had any/been in the red because of overdrawing my account.
i would like to take an accounting class so that i can better balance my check book. i don't use checks. i do not like them. my mother still has yet to cash a $25 dollar check i wrote in late august/early september. hence, why i don't write checks.
i may have the stylings of an eating disorder. i think this only because i can't gain weight, and i have a hard time finding something i want to eat. i'm very picky, and it might kill me. i like oatmeal, sushi, cheezits, hot dogs, chinese food, pizza, seafood, pasta, ramen, and steak and cheese subs. that about sums it up. oh! and mild thai cuisine. now you can see why i looked like a goddamned ethiopian when i came home. i also like exotic fruits, and bananas dipped in peanut butter then dipped in honey nut cheerios. and "ants on a log".
i'm worried that about visiting my father in california. i'm afraid that i might not be able to tear myself away from jesse when i see him. that i'll go into mega-depressed mode for the whole fucking vacation. that i might try to sleep with him, which will only make it worse. i'm worried that my dad will ask me why i'm crying so much after i say good-bye to jesse. about how i will explain to him that i'm afraid of failure and dating jesse was something i failed to succeed in doing. that i will have to leave my closest friend behind, the one person who went through more shit with me than my toilet. someone who's seen me cry for no reason and understood. someone who knows me better than i know myself at times. someone who understands when i make my cute squeaky noises. (actually, o'brien has gotten the gist of them.) someone i had wanted to have kids with and spend my life with for the first time ever, even though that feeling hadn't lasted. he gave me more chances than there are cards in the pile in "monopoly".
don't misunderstand me. i have no desire to live in california. the state doesn't appeal to me. i liked michigan. it was perfect, in a sense. i know jesse, kristoff(oph), and shannon are looking as though i'm crazy, but that's because they've lived there forever. it's different when you're from out of state. a new beginning was what i needed, and received.
i'm done ranting now. goodnight everyone. i have to be up in 2 hours. i might'nt sleep. but i'm sure as hell going to try.
i do feel a bit better now. there's more i didn't post. mostly because i'm not comfortable with it.
if any of this applies to you and your name wasn't mentioned, there's a goddamned reason for it. if you fall into this category and want to reply, make sure it's anonymous. there's somethings that people might'nt know about that i'd like to keep that way.
if you have any problems about this post, feel free to comment. leave the "use the lj-cut" comments on the side table. i don't want to hide this behind a stupid link.
i'm content, and hungry. really fucking hungry.