A fangirl without a fandom.
As I posted last month, I'm a fandom serial monogamist. I completely throw myself into one thing at a time, usually for several years. And when I'm done, I'm done. That part of my brain shuts down. It's like I can't even physically make myself rewatch episodes or read meta, as silly as that sounds. I'll read fic for a while, but that's all. It's not a reaction to anything that happened on the show. I'm generally happy with my fandoms, and I've never been truly upset by what happens onscreen. No hard feelings anywhere. It's just that when I lose that emotional connection, it ceases to exist for me.
BSG is turning out a bit differently. Unlike just about everyone else I know, I wasn't furious with the finale. Disappointed, sure, but not bitter. Not to disparage those who were -- I totally understand and agree with most of the complaints. For whatever reason, I just don't usually get angry. But I've found myself going through the same things as with my previous shows. I haven't watched an episode since last summer, aside from a couple of attempts at joining the rewatch parties. I keep telling myself that I'm going to put in my DVDs and recapture that love, but I can't seem to actually turn on the DVD player. I read meta for a while, but I ran out of things to say and couldn't think analytically anymore.
Fic has always been the crux of fandom for me. Though I've written a few things since last fall, they haven't been all that great -- probably because my heart's not in it anymore. ;) On some level, it makes me really sad, the way we often feel at the end of a love affair. It's hard to really let go even when you know it's probably over. Although I used to roll my eyes at people who say they "have to write", I'm realizing that I'm the same way. I want to be writing! I just think/fear that I've said all I have to say about these characters. And on some level, I'm okay with that. I've been around since S1, and I've written a ton. Totally fine to move on, especially when so many others have.
I guess what makes this a bit different is that I feel like I'm floundering in general. I've been a fangirl about so many things over the course of my life, all the way back to plastering my walls with Tiger Beat photos of Duran Duran in 5th grade. Whenever I lose that connection to a fandom, something else always comes along to take its place -- in many cases, that new fandom is the impetus for leaving the previous one. But right now I have nothing. I like many things, but I don't have that sense of immersion in which I want to rewatch episodes and read meta and write pages and pages of fic. I'm a TV fangirl, especially shows currently on the air, because my brain feeds on the excitement of new episodes and speculation and the community. I keep waiting for something to spark, but nothing has. And I don't see anything on the horizon. This crazy part of me needs to be immersed in something. I *love* those first weeks of throwing myself into a show, where I can't get enough of it. I want to feel that again.
So. This sounds rather depressing, but I'm more sad than fully depressed. I'll be fine, though! Something will come along, and until then I suppose I'll hang out on the fringes of BSG fandom even though I'm not really a part of it anymore. This afternoon I read some fic that made me want to work on a sequel idea I've been toying with, but I've had such awful writer's block over the past few months that I don't know if anything will come of the idea. And now that I'm only a week and a half away from summer vacation, maybe I'll finally pull out those DVDs and rewatch the show and get that spark back. Or maybe I'll suddenly find myself falling for another show. Either way, it's fine. I'll live. :)
BSG is turning out a bit differently. Unlike just about everyone else I know, I wasn't furious with the finale. Disappointed, sure, but not bitter. Not to disparage those who were -- I totally understand and agree with most of the complaints. For whatever reason, I just don't usually get angry. But I've found myself going through the same things as with my previous shows. I haven't watched an episode since last summer, aside from a couple of attempts at joining the rewatch parties. I keep telling myself that I'm going to put in my DVDs and recapture that love, but I can't seem to actually turn on the DVD player. I read meta for a while, but I ran out of things to say and couldn't think analytically anymore.
Fic has always been the crux of fandom for me. Though I've written a few things since last fall, they haven't been all that great -- probably because my heart's not in it anymore. ;) On some level, it makes me really sad, the way we often feel at the end of a love affair. It's hard to really let go even when you know it's probably over. Although I used to roll my eyes at people who say they "have to write", I'm realizing that I'm the same way. I want to be writing! I just think/fear that I've said all I have to say about these characters. And on some level, I'm okay with that. I've been around since S1, and I've written a ton. Totally fine to move on, especially when so many others have.
I guess what makes this a bit different is that I feel like I'm floundering in general. I've been a fangirl about so many things over the course of my life, all the way back to plastering my walls with Tiger Beat photos of Duran Duran in 5th grade. Whenever I lose that connection to a fandom, something else always comes along to take its place -- in many cases, that new fandom is the impetus for leaving the previous one. But right now I have nothing. I like many things, but I don't have that sense of immersion in which I want to rewatch episodes and read meta and write pages and pages of fic. I'm a TV fangirl, especially shows currently on the air, because my brain feeds on the excitement of new episodes and speculation and the community. I keep waiting for something to spark, but nothing has. And I don't see anything on the horizon. This crazy part of me needs to be immersed in something. I *love* those first weeks of throwing myself into a show, where I can't get enough of it. I want to feel that again.
So. This sounds rather depressing, but I'm more sad than fully depressed. I'll be fine, though! Something will come along, and until then I suppose I'll hang out on the fringes of BSG fandom even though I'm not really a part of it anymore. This afternoon I read some fic that made me want to work on a sequel idea I've been toying with, but I've had such awful writer's block over the past few months that I don't know if anything will come of the idea. And now that I'm only a week and a half away from summer vacation, maybe I'll finally pull out those DVDs and rewatch the show and get that spark back. Or maybe I'll suddenly find myself falling for another show. Either way, it's fine. I'll live. :)