Happy birthday, Boom Queen!
In honor of boom_queen's birthday, I've written some BSG/Conchords filks. Much thanks to dionusia for invaluable creative input!
Song for Kara
(To the tune of "Song for Sally")
[Lee]
Kara I love you
[Sam]
Kara I love you
[Lee]
Kara I need you
[Sam]
Kara I need you too
[Both]
I neeeeed to be with you
[Lee]
But I don't just love and need you
I love and need and want you too
[Sam]
I don't just love and need you
I love and need and want you too too
[Lee]
Yeah, well, I can fly with you too too too
[Sam]
That's just ridiculous, Apollo. I've got (pyramid) balls.
[Both men pout.]
[Sam]
You could be with me
[Lee]
Or you could be with me
[Sam]
Down on New Caprica
[Lee]
Yeah, him and all those Cylons
[Sam]
Shut up
Only thing stopping you from being with me is the inevitable Cylons
[Lee]
Yeah, Leoben, that's gonna be fun!
But if you did I'd come down there and hold you all through the night
And we'd fall asleep together and we'd wake up in the sunlight
[Sam]
Lee, you're just a dreamer, because she's gonna marry me
We'll frak and -
[Lee]
I get it, stop cockblocking me!
[Both]
Who knows what makes her stop and start?
I can't help but think that poor Kara Thrace
Has a fickle heart
Who knows which one of us she's lovin' today?
Maybe it's Apollo with his steel-cut biceps
Or she wants to grab hold of Sam's pyramid balls
It's not about the sex, but we should consider a three-way.
[Lee]
If you'd come back to me...
[Sam]
Or me...
[Lee]
Kara, I wrote you this song so I could tell you how much I love you
Quite a lot, actually.
Uh, even most of the time more than my current girlfriend. [Dee glares at him from the audience]
[Sam]
Lee, I co-wrote this song to tell you how much I love you
Quite a lot, actually.
Well, he's said just the same thing. I think he's mad because I'm hotter than him.
But I'm not a Cylon. [Sam casts a shifty glance at everyone in the room.]
[Lee]
Ooh, I love you
[Sam]
I love you you you
[Lee]
I need you
[Sam]
I need you you you you you you you
[Lee]
I neeeeeeeeeed to be with you
[Sam]
Ditto that
[Lee]
'Cause you and me, we were meant to be
[Sam]
Lee's got a girlfriend
[Lee]
Yeah, but Kara and me, we were meant to be
[Sam]
Lee, remember DUALLA?
[Lee]
Yeah, but I'd dump her on her ass if I knew Kara wanted to be with me
[Sam]
Just so you know, Kara, I'm available immediately. (But I'm not a Cylon. Really.)
[Both]
Kara, I love you.
Mutha-Frakkas in the CIC
(To the tune of "Mutha-Uckas")
[Chorus]
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my shi-
There's too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my shi-
How many mutha-frakkas
Are too many to count
Mutha-frakkas!
[Gaeta]
I watch the mutha-frakkin' dradis daily
Frakkin' bleeps keep tryin' to play me
And I'm alone in bed 'cause I can't get laid!
Can't get laid!
You know me.
Demetrius, stuck there just in time for mutiny
Bang! Then I get shot, no more right leg for me
And now I'm hobbling through the CIC
Gonna kick Sam's ass because I hate these crutches!
Spread the word through the wireless comms
Said you're all mutha-frakkas and I'll be frakkin' with your ships
C'mon
[Chorus]
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my leg
There's too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my leg
My shapely muscled leg
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my leg
My crutches suck
How many mutha-frakkas
Too many to count!
Mutha-frakkas
[Dee]
The mutha-frakka that I married has a girlfriend
Mutha-frakka said he loved her but he married me
Divorce is gonna get vicious and malicious
Cut the crap, Lee - I know about the Raptor
He tells me on the Peggy that he's proud that I’m his wife
Then he fraks another chick within an inch of her life
I've had it up to here with that frakker named Adama
At least when we divorce I get to keep his father.
[Chorus]
Too many mutha-frakkas
Cheatin' on his wife
I'm gonna leave the mutha-frakka!
There's too many mutha-frakkas
Cheatin' on his wife
He's gonna have to leave Galactica
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin with our -
Everybody c'mon!
Tigh, You Got It Goin' On
(To the tune of "Bret, You Got It Goin' On")
[Bill]
Hey there Saul I see you lookin' down
Don't wanna see my little Major down with a frown
Just because I've got more eyes than you
Well, that's only because they don't see you like I do
Sure you're bitchy and kinda drunk
But some Ellen out there must be looking for a kinda drunk guy
She wants you as her soulmate while she's screwin' half the fleet
Just hear me out when I say
Tigh, you got it goin' on
Ellen got to see your sexuality
Too bad she had a skanky personality
I said - Tigh, you got it goin' on
Not in a gay way
Just in a "Hey, mate, I wanted to say that you're MY First Mate, hey!"
Why can't a heterosexual Bill tell a heterosexual Saul
That he thinks his eyepatch is fly?
Not all the time, obviously
Just when he's got a problem with his booze supply
Don't let anyone tell you that you're impotent
Because you're SO po-tent
(as an XO, dummy!)
Well, I hope this doesn't make you feel too low-rent
If I say you got a hot eyepatch
C'mon, Saul
Help me out, now
Tigh, you got it goin' on
That's the conclusion that I've come to
But that doesn't mean that I want to frak you!
Tigh, you got it goin' on
No doubt about it, we'd be getting' sexy
If you weren't unlucky enough to be born so crazy
[Tigh takes over]
Ooh, if you weren't my CO
And Roslin weren't around
And Ellen weren't dead
Well, sometimes it gets lonely
And I need a woman
And I imagine us in a threesome
In fact, one time when I was passed out
And I was really lonely
And we were sharin' that twin bunk in your quarters
I put Ellen's wig on you
I put on her negligee too
And I just lay there and spooned you
Ooh, Bill, you got it goin' on.
A Harem's Not Religion
(To the tune of "A Kiss Is Not a Contract")
[Roslin]
A harem's not religion
But it's very nice
Mmm... very nice
Just because you're talking out of your ass
Doesn't mean you get to call yourself "The Guru of Class"
A traitor's not a guru
But he thinks he is
Yes, he thinks he is
Just because you've got a wireless show
Doesn't mean that God tells you what you should know
Just because your home
Is Anthropologie-clad
Doesn't mean it's not about boo-tay
I can't go 'round listening to your crap
Righteous indignation clashes with my chemo cap
You can light 'em up some candles
That might be quite nice
You can heal their poor sick kids
And give 'em bad advice
But that won't get you into Kobol's paradise
They call you a stud
Because you're thinking with your penis
Gai-ussssssss
[Roslin whistles melodically]
You're only one man
Stupid Gaius
They're only your ha-a-rem, Gaius
Stupid Gaius
Starbuck's in Space
(To the tune of "Bowie")
[Lee]
Starbuck's in space
Starbuck's in spaaaaaaaace
What'cha doin' out there, Buck?
That's pretty freaky, Starbuck.
Is it cold out in space, Starbuck?
(Frakking would warm you up, Starbuck.)
Do viper stunts make your nipples go pointy, Starbuck?
Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit destined maps to Earth?
Bet'cha do, you badass ol' Starbuck, you!
Do you have one rubberized flight suit?
Does Apollo like to rip it off-off-off you?
Do you smoke cigars out in space, Starbuck?
And what makes ambrosia green?
Oooooooooh
Receiving map to Earth from Starbuck's nipple antennae
Do you read me, Lieutenant Gaeta?
[instrumental bridge]
[Kara]
This is Starbuck to Apollo
Do you read me out there, man?
[Lee]
It's Apollo back to Starbuck
I read you loud and clear, man
Frak, yeah, man!
Your signal's weak on my dradis screen
How far out are you man?
[Kara]
I'm pretty far out
All the way back from Earth, man!
[Both]
Oooh-ah-oooh
[Kara]
I'm orbiting mandalas
Drawn in by my destiny's
My destiny's strong pull
I'm jamming out with the Kobol Lords
And they think I'm pretty coo-ol.
[Lee]
Are you okay, Starbuck?
[Kara]
What was that sound?
[Lee]
Leoben? Man, you oughta turn that ship around
[Kara]
Lee, it's the craziest thing.
The clouds just swirl like Leoben's stream
[Lee]
Can you see the hard deck looming?
Into the choir of childhood trauma visions!
[She flies into the mandala. Ship goes BOOM!]
[Lee, tearful]
Starbuck's in spaaaaaaace.
Happy birthday, dearie!
Song for Kara
(To the tune of "Song for Sally")
[Lee]
Kara I love you
[Sam]
Kara I love you
[Lee]
Kara I need you
[Sam]
Kara I need you too
[Both]
I neeeeed to be with you
[Lee]
But I don't just love and need you
I love and need and want you too
[Sam]
I don't just love and need you
I love and need and want you too too
[Lee]
Yeah, well, I can fly with you too too too
[Sam]
That's just ridiculous, Apollo. I've got (pyramid) balls.
[Both men pout.]
[Sam]
You could be with me
[Lee]
Or you could be with me
[Sam]
Down on New Caprica
[Lee]
Yeah, him and all those Cylons
[Sam]
Shut up
Only thing stopping you from being with me is the inevitable Cylons
[Lee]
Yeah, Leoben, that's gonna be fun!
But if you did I'd come down there and hold you all through the night
And we'd fall asleep together and we'd wake up in the sunlight
[Sam]
Lee, you're just a dreamer, because she's gonna marry me
We'll frak and -
[Lee]
I get it, stop cockblocking me!
[Both]
Who knows what makes her stop and start?
I can't help but think that poor Kara Thrace
Has a fickle heart
Who knows which one of us she's lovin' today?
Maybe it's Apollo with his steel-cut biceps
Or she wants to grab hold of Sam's pyramid balls
It's not about the sex, but we should consider a three-way.
[Lee]
If you'd come back to me...
[Sam]
Or me...
[Lee]
Kara, I wrote you this song so I could tell you how much I love you
Quite a lot, actually.
Uh, even most of the time more than my current girlfriend. [Dee glares at him from the audience]
[Sam]
Lee, I co-wrote this song to tell you how much I love you
Quite a lot, actually.
Well, he's said just the same thing. I think he's mad because I'm hotter than him.
But I'm not a Cylon. [Sam casts a shifty glance at everyone in the room.]
[Lee]
Ooh, I love you
[Sam]
I love you you you
[Lee]
I need you
[Sam]
I need you you you you you you you
[Lee]
I neeeeeeeeeed to be with you
[Sam]
Ditto that
[Lee]
'Cause you and me, we were meant to be
[Sam]
Lee's got a girlfriend
[Lee]
Yeah, but Kara and me, we were meant to be
[Sam]
Lee, remember DUALLA?
[Lee]
Yeah, but I'd dump her on her ass if I knew Kara wanted to be with me
[Sam]
Just so you know, Kara, I'm available immediately. (But I'm not a Cylon. Really.)
[Both]
Kara, I love you.
Mutha-Frakkas in the CIC
(To the tune of "Mutha-Uckas")
[Chorus]
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my shi-
There's too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my shi-
How many mutha-frakkas
Are too many to count
Mutha-frakkas!
[Gaeta]
I watch the mutha-frakkin' dradis daily
Frakkin' bleeps keep tryin' to play me
And I'm alone in bed 'cause I can't get laid!
Can't get laid!
You know me.
Demetrius, stuck there just in time for mutiny
Bang! Then I get shot, no more right leg for me
And now I'm hobbling through the CIC
Gonna kick Sam's ass because I hate these crutches!
Spread the word through the wireless comms
Said you're all mutha-frakkas and I'll be frakkin' with your ships
C'mon
[Chorus]
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my leg
There's too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my leg
My shapely muscled leg
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin' with my leg
My crutches suck
How many mutha-frakkas
Too many to count!
Mutha-frakkas
[Dee]
The mutha-frakka that I married has a girlfriend
Mutha-frakka said he loved her but he married me
Divorce is gonna get vicious and malicious
Cut the crap, Lee - I know about the Raptor
He tells me on the Peggy that he's proud that I’m his wife
Then he fraks another chick within an inch of her life
I've had it up to here with that frakker named Adama
At least when we divorce I get to keep his father.
[Chorus]
Too many mutha-frakkas
Cheatin' on his wife
I'm gonna leave the mutha-frakka!
There's too many mutha-frakkas
Cheatin' on his wife
He's gonna have to leave Galactica
Too many mutha-frakkas
Frakkin with our -
Everybody c'mon!
Tigh, You Got It Goin' On
(To the tune of "Bret, You Got It Goin' On")
[Bill]
Hey there Saul I see you lookin' down
Don't wanna see my little Major down with a frown
Just because I've got more eyes than you
Well, that's only because they don't see you like I do
Sure you're bitchy and kinda drunk
But some Ellen out there must be looking for a kinda drunk guy
She wants you as her soulmate while she's screwin' half the fleet
Just hear me out when I say
Tigh, you got it goin' on
Ellen got to see your sexuality
Too bad she had a skanky personality
I said - Tigh, you got it goin' on
Not in a gay way
Just in a "Hey, mate, I wanted to say that you're MY First Mate, hey!"
Why can't a heterosexual Bill tell a heterosexual Saul
That he thinks his eyepatch is fly?
Not all the time, obviously
Just when he's got a problem with his booze supply
Don't let anyone tell you that you're impotent
Because you're SO po-tent
(as an XO, dummy!)
Well, I hope this doesn't make you feel too low-rent
If I say you got a hot eyepatch
C'mon, Saul
Help me out, now
Tigh, you got it goin' on
That's the conclusion that I've come to
But that doesn't mean that I want to frak you!
Tigh, you got it goin' on
No doubt about it, we'd be getting' sexy
If you weren't unlucky enough to be born so crazy
[Tigh takes over]
Ooh, if you weren't my CO
And Roslin weren't around
And Ellen weren't dead
Well, sometimes it gets lonely
And I need a woman
And I imagine us in a threesome
In fact, one time when I was passed out
And I was really lonely
And we were sharin' that twin bunk in your quarters
I put Ellen's wig on you
I put on her negligee too
And I just lay there and spooned you
Ooh, Bill, you got it goin' on.
A Harem's Not Religion
(To the tune of "A Kiss Is Not a Contract")
[Roslin]
A harem's not religion
But it's very nice
Mmm... very nice
Just because you're talking out of your ass
Doesn't mean you get to call yourself "The Guru of Class"
A traitor's not a guru
But he thinks he is
Yes, he thinks he is
Just because you've got a wireless show
Doesn't mean that God tells you what you should know
Just because your home
Is Anthropologie-clad
Doesn't mean it's not about boo-tay
I can't go 'round listening to your crap
Righteous indignation clashes with my chemo cap
You can light 'em up some candles
That might be quite nice
You can heal their poor sick kids
And give 'em bad advice
But that won't get you into Kobol's paradise
They call you a stud
Because you're thinking with your penis
Gai-ussssssss
[Roslin whistles melodically]
You're only one man
Stupid Gaius
They're only your ha-a-rem, Gaius
Stupid Gaius
Starbuck's in Space
(To the tune of "Bowie")
[Lee]
Starbuck's in space
Starbuck's in spaaaaaaaace
What'cha doin' out there, Buck?
That's pretty freaky, Starbuck.
Is it cold out in space, Starbuck?
(Frakking would warm you up, Starbuck.)
Do viper stunts make your nipples go pointy, Starbuck?
Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit destined maps to Earth?
Bet'cha do, you badass ol' Starbuck, you!
Do you have one rubberized flight suit?
Does Apollo like to rip it off-off-off you?
Do you smoke cigars out in space, Starbuck?
And what makes ambrosia green?
Oooooooooh
Receiving map to Earth from Starbuck's nipple antennae
Do you read me, Lieutenant Gaeta?
[instrumental bridge]
[Kara]
This is Starbuck to Apollo
Do you read me out there, man?
[Lee]
It's Apollo back to Starbuck
I read you loud and clear, man
Frak, yeah, man!
Your signal's weak on my dradis screen
How far out are you man?
[Kara]
I'm pretty far out
All the way back from Earth, man!
[Both]
Oooh-ah-oooh
[Kara]
I'm orbiting mandalas
Drawn in by my destiny's
My destiny's strong pull
I'm jamming out with the Kobol Lords
And they think I'm pretty coo-ol.
[Lee]
Are you okay, Starbuck?
[Kara]
What was that sound?
[Lee]
Leoben? Man, you oughta turn that ship around
[Kara]
Lee, it's the craziest thing.
The clouds just swirl like Leoben's stream
[Lee]
Can you see the hard deck looming?
Into the choir of childhood trauma visions!
[She flies into the mandala. Ship goes BOOM!]
[Lee, tearful]
Starbuck's in spaaaaaaace.
Happy birthday, dearie!