You can't push me away and you cant tell me how to feel You dont control my thougts how dare you....
I thought you diserved to see this..
When you first walked into my life that Sunday, my life was changed. So if I ever decided to tell my story don't be surprised to learn your where it begins. There's so much I feel I should say but even if I thought your heart would listen I doubt I could explain. But I'm going to try because I don't want to feel this way forever, a dead letter marked return to sender. I can't just continue to let somone make me feel I don't diserve what I want and at some point I have to make a desicion. Boundaries don't keep people out, they fence them in. That's just how people are made. So I can't just waste the rest of my life drawing lines around you because I need to start crossing the lines I've already drawn around myself. But then again there are some lines that are way to dangerous for me to cross right now. There comes a time when you have to stop loving somenoe, not because the person started hating you but because you found out they'd be happier if you'd just let them go. Which is what I intend to do, stop loving you. Now don't get my wrong, I don't expect things to go back to normal, because normal is an overstatement full of bullshit but I will try to get my life back. You told me once that your weakness was that you cared too much, but I'm sorry I'd have to say thats my weakness because you wanna know what hurts the most? To know t hat i would have given my entire world to make you happy and you won't even bare a second of your empty day to see me force a smile. You see, you cry sometimes and I think I can feel your tears. Maybe they are rolling down my face, maybe I'm swallowing all the same words you said and maybe we have more in common than you think. I helped you stay in love wih her even though I was falling in love with you but you can't live your life for other people. You've got to do whats right for you even if it hurts the one you love and you just have to go after what you want and if it doesn't want you back it didn't diserve you anyway. But you can't say I didn't try so what happened was all in your hands. And you know, I know I didn't mean that much to you but I didn't realize how much you meant to me and I feel like an idiot for believing in you. YOu know I used to spend everyday thinking of you and dreaming of you and everytime you walked by I lost myself. Do you have any clue what that feels like? You could't possibly know what it feels like to have that person not have the same feelings back. Look I'm sorry if you miss the way I looked at you but I will never miss the way you never looked at me. I hoestnly believed you were better than that. We didn't have to talk deeply or laugh histerically.I just wanted to know that when I cried you would have wiped away my tears. But I guess you'll always dissapoint me. It's kinda like our inside joke except..it's not funny. I'm so sick and tired of acting like I'm fine when it comes to you because truthfully I'm not. I can't even talk to you without being so incredibally sad. You were the one prson who was always soposed to be there for me and you ruined it all in that one moment and I acted like it didn't hurt and for a while, I don't think it did. But the tears are here now and I realize that it hurt more than anything in the world and I swear on my life if I could take this knife out of my back I would but between the loss of blood and trust I had in you I don't think it would do any good. You know theres only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. I’m done with you. I don’t owe you anything anymore. Someone mentioned your name today and asked if I knew you and I smiled when I thought of all our old times and said yea, but then I walked away and mumbled, well I used to think I did anyway. You see when things change people change and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up, it simply means you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up it means accepting things weren’t meant to be. There’s a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone, trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up it’s realizing you don’t need certain people and all the bullshit that they bring. So maybe all you’ll be is a past memory, or maybe your little hearts written on a piece of paper and then scrunched into a ball, but what if I’m not ready to through that scrunched piece of paper away yet. I was told time heals everything. I’ve come to believe time just makes things easier to deal with. But the truth is, I still dream of you, I still cry myself to sleep over you, and I still look up to the stars wishing you were near me. I get dressed everyday only to impress you incase I see you. I still look out the window hoping you’ll pull in the driveway and I still cheek the caller-id just in case. May I ask you how it is possible for people to be this dramatic? Like do they really enjoy being this miserable? I often wonder how we all got to be this way. Perhaps for the first time in my life I understand that you must be polite to all people at all times because you never know what difficulties they might be struggleing with at the precise moment. You never know how the slightest wrong thing that you could say could be the last little iota to send someone who is just barely holding it all together into a complete breakdown. Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry that final day you said goodbye.
If "time heals all wounds" then why are we so scared of getting hurt?? If it only takes time to move on then why do we obssess over protecting ourselves from everything, leading to the eventual bypass of everything worth living for? We all say how time goes by so quickly and how we wish there were just a few more hours in a day, so why does the thought of needing time to pass by (i.e. to heal our wounds) scare us so much when we obviously state how quickly it wastes away? Is it because when we are hurt time seems to move more slowly than any other time, so the inevitable healing is extended to an amount of time so indescribably impossible to get through that we feel as though no time is passing, no healing is happening, there is no progress- so our current state monopolizes all our thoughts and being to a point that any view toward the future is hindered? But how is that? Time does not move slower, If anything time is the most consistent and dependable thing in our life. It is not as if life is happening all our us as we stand still and crippled? So why are we scared?This one is for the girls. This is for the girls that know what a broken heart is, that know that you can't die from it, but you SURE wish you did. That broken heart can last for years it seems like, and there is really no medicine or a cure, its realizing that your JUST ANOTHER GIRL to him and that no matter what you do you will never be THAT girl for him. This is for the girls that walk through the halls and have comments like "whore" and "slut thrown at them carelessly. The ones that smile and pretend that they don't care with a shrug, the ones that laugh about it but don’t realize until a week later when there replaying those words over and over in there head it actually got to them. This one is for the girls that are tired of boys treating them like crap over and over again. Tired of being used by boys that never seem to care and treated like dirt. This one is for the girls that drink a little to much at parties because of some stupid asshole that keeps giving you shots because they know your easy when your drunk, and then take advantage of you. The ones that walk into school monday morning, still hung over from that party and know that no matter how hard you try you will NEVER know what REALLY happened at that party because you have no one to trust. And the worst is that you CAN"T remember as hard as you try to replay that night...and that terroizes you for weeks. This is for the girls that don't really have "friends". Yeah thats right, the ones surrounded by people in the halls but can't call anyone there friend because theres no one too trust. Everyone you have EVER trusted has abused it in some way. THis is for the girls that have been in abusive relationships. That no the phases like "im just doing this because i love you" are bullshit, but didn't realize it untill months, or years into the relationship because you really thought he was just doing it becuase he did love you. This is for the girls that struggle with eating disorders, cutting, and depression on a daily basis. The need for food and being able to controll it in a matter of months, cutting to feel pain, and seeing something that is funny and NOT laughing...becauase nothing is funny anymore. This is for the girls that are sick and TIRED of the double standardsThat know they are hott, funny, sexy, but if they show off sexuality are labeled for it. There tired of the constant "your a whore" while the guy gets "you pimp!" and they know theres nothing they can do to stop it. This one is for the girls that are ready to make a change in the world, that are tired of being put down, abused, and are ready to STAND UP FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN. Wanna know what I feel like doing right now? I feel like running, without caring about anything. I don’t wanna care about where im going, I don’t want to care about where I’ve been, or getting lost or not knowing how to get home. And once I run out of breath, I want to break down and cry.the cracks in the concrete remind me that no matter how strong i am, i will always fall apart. You know how it is, When you tell him not to worry about you. Your really hoping he'll notice your false refusal and stay with you until the end. What's wrong with wanting to feel good all the time?Who does it hurt? im the girl who locks herself in her room and dances and sings her little heart out in her underwear and uses her brush as a microphone. and when shes done w/ that shell lay in her bed and cry her little heart out because all of those songs remind her of the boy she loves. but its not HIM on my mind, ITS YOU. whos sn do i always look for first on my buddylist when i sign on? YOURS even though it might be at the bottom, or whatever it is, i will scroll the whole list about three times before realizing you arent or are online. and every morning i LOOK for you in the hallway even if you dont see me. and you're the only boy that can stand in front of me without even doing anything, and i cant help but smile. Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them... when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them, words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head... to no more than living size when they are brought out.... Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...but if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own.... when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all. Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for your best-friend in the entire world,and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie.... the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever... A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying. I finally learned what life is about--Hanging on when your heart has had enough and giving more when you want to give up She knows nothing about life, yet she knows everything about living... Sometimes it's easier to pretend things are okay rather than face a difficult truth. So we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life. We hope the comfortable rythyms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable just a little longer. Return things to normal...anything to buy us more time. Playing pretend, make believe - it might be one thing we never outgrow. Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself. because that's what people do: they leap and hope to God they can fly, because, otherwise, you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, 'why the hell did i jump?' but here i am, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like i can fly is you. he said, "i never meant to hurt you."she said, "that doesn't really matterbecause in the end it hurts just the same." and i've come to realize that in the end everyone turns out to be the person they s w o r e they'd never become. Over and over do I write this story. The story, the story of my life really. Though it goes on it leaves me with a scar the never fades, I find myself endlessly searching for something that never will be again. Though we all go through pain and hardships in our lives, this so far, will and should be my worst. A first love, nothing can get better but yet nothing can get worse. It is loss of mind and soul. Faith is what people live for, it’s what people forget about. God is what I needed but yet I found myself slipping. Nothing seemed to control my actions. Explaining this modification of life is not only hard but it has no depth no one will really understand the pain I felt of the horror in my life. Now I know he probably could care less about me, as I him but I am always going to be searching for that one person that is better than him. All the characteristics I want in a guy pertain to him, its not all the fights but its all the laughs, its not all the pain its all the love. I can’t explain in words what I want, or what I need it seems indescribable but yet I know I will know when that special guys comes around again. As life continues I look back on what happened and say to myself what an idiot I was. Yet there is always that question in my head was it really that bad I mean, what the heck this kind of stuff happens to everyone. Then I remember all those things he said, or did. Although I know I would do it all over again, can I say it was worth it. Teaching me a well learn lesson on life, and death. I truthfully without a doubt can say it hurt but it was well worth and tears, pain, and brokenness. It was worth it all. Maybe we like the pain.Maybe were wired that way Because without it,I dont know;maybe we just wouldnt feel real. What's that saying?Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
When you first walked into my life that Sunday, my life was changed. So if I ever decided to tell my story don't be surprised to learn your where it begins. There's so much I feel I should say but even if I thought your heart would listen I doubt I could explain. But I'm going to try because I don't want to feel this way forever, a dead letter marked return to sender. I can't just continue to let somone make me feel I don't diserve what I want and at some point I have to make a desicion. Boundaries don't keep people out, they fence them in. That's just how people are made. So I can't just waste the rest of my life drawing lines around you because I need to start crossing the lines I've already drawn around myself. But then again there are some lines that are way to dangerous for me to cross right now. There comes a time when you have to stop loving somenoe, not because the person started hating you but because you found out they'd be happier if you'd just let them go. Which is what I intend to do, stop loving you. Now don't get my wrong, I don't expect things to go back to normal, because normal is an overstatement full of bullshit but I will try to get my life back. You told me once that your weakness was that you cared too much, but I'm sorry I'd have to say thats my weakness because you wanna know what hurts the most? To know t hat i would have given my entire world to make you happy and you won't even bare a second of your empty day to see me force a smile. You see, you cry sometimes and I think I can feel your tears. Maybe they are rolling down my face, maybe I'm swallowing all the same words you said and maybe we have more in common than you think. I helped you stay in love wih her even though I was falling in love with you but you can't live your life for other people. You've got to do whats right for you even if it hurts the one you love and you just have to go after what you want and if it doesn't want you back it didn't diserve you anyway. But you can't say I didn't try so what happened was all in your hands. And you know, I know I didn't mean that much to you but I didn't realize how much you meant to me and I feel like an idiot for believing in you. YOu know I used to spend everyday thinking of you and dreaming of you and everytime you walked by I lost myself. Do you have any clue what that feels like? You could't possibly know what it feels like to have that person not have the same feelings back. Look I'm sorry if you miss the way I looked at you but I will never miss the way you never looked at me. I hoestnly believed you were better than that. We didn't have to talk deeply or laugh histerically.I just wanted to know that when I cried you would have wiped away my tears. But I guess you'll always dissapoint me. It's kinda like our inside joke except..it's not funny. I'm so sick and tired of acting like I'm fine when it comes to you because truthfully I'm not. I can't even talk to you without being so incredibally sad. You were the one prson who was always soposed to be there for me and you ruined it all in that one moment and I acted like it didn't hurt and for a while, I don't think it did. But the tears are here now and I realize that it hurt more than anything in the world and I swear on my life if I could take this knife out of my back I would but between the loss of blood and trust I had in you I don't think it would do any good. You know theres only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can’t handle the disappointment anymore. I’m done with you. I don’t owe you anything anymore. Someone mentioned your name today and asked if I knew you and I smiled when I thought of all our old times and said yea, but then I walked away and mumbled, well I used to think I did anyway. You see when things change people change and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up, it simply means you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up it means accepting things weren’t meant to be. There’s a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone, trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up it’s realizing you don’t need certain people and all the bullshit that they bring. So maybe all you’ll be is a past memory, or maybe your little hearts written on a piece of paper and then scrunched into a ball, but what if I’m not ready to through that scrunched piece of paper away yet. I was told time heals everything. I’ve come to believe time just makes things easier to deal with. But the truth is, I still dream of you, I still cry myself to sleep over you, and I still look up to the stars wishing you were near me. I get dressed everyday only to impress you incase I see you. I still look out the window hoping you’ll pull in the driveway and I still cheek the caller-id just in case. May I ask you how it is possible for people to be this dramatic? Like do they really enjoy being this miserable? I often wonder how we all got to be this way. Perhaps for the first time in my life I understand that you must be polite to all people at all times because you never know what difficulties they might be struggleing with at the precise moment. You never know how the slightest wrong thing that you could say could be the last little iota to send someone who is just barely holding it all together into a complete breakdown. Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry that final day you said goodbye.
If "time heals all wounds" then why are we so scared of getting hurt?? If it only takes time to move on then why do we obssess over protecting ourselves from everything, leading to the eventual bypass of everything worth living for? We all say how time goes by so quickly and how we wish there were just a few more hours in a day, so why does the thought of needing time to pass by (i.e. to heal our wounds) scare us so much when we obviously state how quickly it wastes away? Is it because when we are hurt time seems to move more slowly than any other time, so the inevitable healing is extended to an amount of time so indescribably impossible to get through that we feel as though no time is passing, no healing is happening, there is no progress- so our current state monopolizes all our thoughts and being to a point that any view toward the future is hindered? But how is that? Time does not move slower, If anything time is the most consistent and dependable thing in our life. It is not as if life is happening all our us as we stand still and crippled? So why are we scared?This one is for the girls. This is for the girls that know what a broken heart is, that know that you can't die from it, but you SURE wish you did. That broken heart can last for years it seems like, and there is really no medicine or a cure, its realizing that your JUST ANOTHER GIRL to him and that no matter what you do you will never be THAT girl for him. This is for the girls that walk through the halls and have comments like "whore" and "slut thrown at them carelessly. The ones that smile and pretend that they don't care with a shrug, the ones that laugh about it but don’t realize until a week later when there replaying those words over and over in there head it actually got to them. This one is for the girls that are tired of boys treating them like crap over and over again. Tired of being used by boys that never seem to care and treated like dirt. This one is for the girls that drink a little to much at parties because of some stupid asshole that keeps giving you shots because they know your easy when your drunk, and then take advantage of you. The ones that walk into school monday morning, still hung over from that party and know that no matter how hard you try you will NEVER know what REALLY happened at that party because you have no one to trust. And the worst is that you CAN"T remember as hard as you try to replay that night...and that terroizes you for weeks. This is for the girls that don't really have "friends". Yeah thats right, the ones surrounded by people in the halls but can't call anyone there friend because theres no one too trust. Everyone you have EVER trusted has abused it in some way. THis is for the girls that have been in abusive relationships. That no the phases like "im just doing this because i love you" are bullshit, but didn't realize it untill months, or years into the relationship because you really thought he was just doing it becuase he did love you. This is for the girls that struggle with eating disorders, cutting, and depression on a daily basis. The need for food and being able to controll it in a matter of months, cutting to feel pain, and seeing something that is funny and NOT laughing...becauase nothing is funny anymore. This is for the girls that are sick and TIRED of the double standardsThat know they are hott, funny, sexy, but if they show off sexuality are labeled for it. There tired of the constant "your a whore" while the guy gets "you pimp!" and they know theres nothing they can do to stop it. This one is for the girls that are ready to make a change in the world, that are tired of being put down, abused, and are ready to STAND UP FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN. Wanna know what I feel like doing right now? I feel like running, without caring about anything. I don’t wanna care about where im going, I don’t want to care about where I’ve been, or getting lost or not knowing how to get home. And once I run out of breath, I want to break down and cry.the cracks in the concrete remind me that no matter how strong i am, i will always fall apart. You know how it is, When you tell him not to worry about you. Your really hoping he'll notice your false refusal and stay with you until the end. What's wrong with wanting to feel good all the time?Who does it hurt? im the girl who locks herself in her room and dances and sings her little heart out in her underwear and uses her brush as a microphone. and when shes done w/ that shell lay in her bed and cry her little heart out because all of those songs remind her of the boy she loves. but its not HIM on my mind, ITS YOU. whos sn do i always look for first on my buddylist when i sign on? YOURS even though it might be at the bottom, or whatever it is, i will scroll the whole list about three times before realizing you arent or are online. and every morning i LOOK for you in the hallway even if you dont see me. and you're the only boy that can stand in front of me without even doing anything, and i cant help but smile. Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them... when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them, words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head... to no more than living size when they are brought out.... Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...but if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own.... when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all. Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for your best-friend in the entire world,and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie.... the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever... A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying. I finally learned what life is about--Hanging on when your heart has had enough and giving more when you want to give up She knows nothing about life, yet she knows everything about living... Sometimes it's easier to pretend things are okay rather than face a difficult truth. So we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life. We hope the comfortable rythyms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable just a little longer. Return things to normal...anything to buy us more time. Playing pretend, make believe - it might be one thing we never outgrow. Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself. because that's what people do: they leap and hope to God they can fly, because, otherwise, you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, 'why the hell did i jump?' but here i am, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like i can fly is you. he said, "i never meant to hurt you."she said, "that doesn't really matterbecause in the end it hurts just the same." and i've come to realize that in the end everyone turns out to be the person they s w o r e they'd never become. Over and over do I write this story. The story, the story of my life really. Though it goes on it leaves me with a scar the never fades, I find myself endlessly searching for something that never will be again. Though we all go through pain and hardships in our lives, this so far, will and should be my worst. A first love, nothing can get better but yet nothing can get worse. It is loss of mind and soul. Faith is what people live for, it’s what people forget about. God is what I needed but yet I found myself slipping. Nothing seemed to control my actions. Explaining this modification of life is not only hard but it has no depth no one will really understand the pain I felt of the horror in my life. Now I know he probably could care less about me, as I him but I am always going to be searching for that one person that is better than him. All the characteristics I want in a guy pertain to him, its not all the fights but its all the laughs, its not all the pain its all the love. I can’t explain in words what I want, or what I need it seems indescribable but yet I know I will know when that special guys comes around again. As life continues I look back on what happened and say to myself what an idiot I was. Yet there is always that question in my head was it really that bad I mean, what the heck this kind of stuff happens to everyone. Then I remember all those things he said, or did. Although I know I would do it all over again, can I say it was worth it. Teaching me a well learn lesson on life, and death. I truthfully without a doubt can say it hurt but it was well worth and tears, pain, and brokenness. It was worth it all. Maybe we like the pain.Maybe were wired that way Because without it,I dont know;maybe we just wouldnt feel real. What's that saying?Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.