Life Laundry
Today, N and I have been tidying and decluttering the house. The office is my sanctuary once more and the air is redolent of orange oil. I have managed to sit here and do a bit more work on VT, but the brain is tired from severe onset of insomnia... and I can see the still very wild garden. Best laid plans...
I'm at a point where I can feel the wheel turning... I just can't tell if I'm going up or down. Life feels unfocused and unreal and out of control at the moment, and I'm trying to do what I can to wrestle it back.
A couple of weeks ago, my mom almost died. I felt like I failed her when she was in the hospital waiting for her op. I was trying to jolly her along and it wasn't working. I knew she was scared then, so I started getting scared too. But away from her, I've been so angry. Angry at other people's trivial shit. Angry at PMI, who I hold responsible. Angry at myself for having betrayed my principles and doing stuff for that company in my line of work. Angry at myself for letting mom be a martyr and not pushing her to do more things for herself. Anger, consuming everything. But it's summer, too, and riot season, and I suppose we're all guilty of vicarious living, grabbing at the quick fix, the empty-happy.
But I saw her yesterday, and do you know what? I think she can beat this. she is Black Country, and she has that indomitable spirit. A rich seam of tar, too... but she's quit now, and I think she'll stay quit. I love her so much, and the world will stop without her, so she can't. She's not allowed.
I'm at a point where I can feel the wheel turning... I just can't tell if I'm going up or down. Life feels unfocused and unreal and out of control at the moment, and I'm trying to do what I can to wrestle it back.
A couple of weeks ago, my mom almost died. I felt like I failed her when she was in the hospital waiting for her op. I was trying to jolly her along and it wasn't working. I knew she was scared then, so I started getting scared too. But away from her, I've been so angry. Angry at other people's trivial shit. Angry at PMI, who I hold responsible. Angry at myself for having betrayed my principles and doing stuff for that company in my line of work. Angry at myself for letting mom be a martyr and not pushing her to do more things for herself. Anger, consuming everything. But it's summer, too, and riot season, and I suppose we're all guilty of vicarious living, grabbing at the quick fix, the empty-happy.
But I saw her yesterday, and do you know what? I think she can beat this. she is Black Country, and she has that indomitable spirit. A rich seam of tar, too... but she's quit now, and I think she'll stay quit. I love her so much, and the world will stop without her, so she can't. She's not allowed.