(no subject)
Today has been all about lists.
When it comes to real achievement, lists are empty things that neither give you a map to where you are going nor demonstrate how you might go about getting there. You tend to write them out of chronological order as you skip necessary processes and have to add things later out of sequence. You tend to go back and underline things or put little asterisks by them when it becomes clear that they should have higher priority. In fact, a list is rarely left in the state in which it is first written: things get neatly ticked off, or violently scratched through on completion, depending on one's mood or custom. But, at the end of the day, lists achieve nothing by themselves.
I've had a couple of meetings this weekend: one to arrange a poetry event for the Earls Barton Village Festival on 8th June, the other to plan a comedy show that I'm hoping to take to a festival on a double bill with a friend. I'll be a bit Secret Squirrel about that one just for now as there's stuff we are waiting on before declarations can be made, but I'm pretty excited about it. It feels like the sort of thing a proper grown-up comedian might do. I don't think you can be taken seriously as a comedian until you start doing that for yourself, and it's something to aim for.
I've been thinking about things a lot today - credibility, cultural limitations - following a post from la_marquise_de_ on her sense of permission, or lack of it, to write. And so as I have moved through the rooms in the house, sorting out the recycling (tick), working on a presentation for tomorrow (tick), emailing invites to the poetry event (tick) and cooking dinner (tick), I've also been thinking about my own sense of guilt as a performer.
When I say guilt, I don't mean guilt for inflicting my sense of humour on unwary audiences (though perhaps I should...). I am some way down the path now, growing better and stronger all the time. But I do sometimes feel a bit invisible. All comedians really need is one chance, then another, then another: 5, 10, 15, 20, 25. We progress through the numbers and grab our time on stage - tick - going backwards and forwards all the time, unable to easily rest on laurels, or make bold claims about our achievements without feeling, well, guilty. To be honest, I've no idea if this is just me, or if other women feel the same, or if the chaps do too, or maybe they do but for different reasons.
I think my mom is actually helping me big time. A woman totally lacking in any self-belief whatsoever, bless her. But she encourages me. I was speaking to her today on the phone. I was explaining how skint I was due to the recent situation I can't go into but how proud I was of my super savvy grocery shopping this week, and how I'd managed to cook me and N some nice food today (griddled mackerel, new potatoes and ratatouille followed by rhubarb bread pudding and cream - thank you closing down market stalls and supermarket shelves of shame!)and we ended up talking about where I'd like to be and how I could earn doing creative things, and the comedy show I was planning. There was a time when I first started when she thought it was all a bit silly. She'd quite forgotten about the recent situation I can't go into so hearing it afresh shocked her a bit, I think. But she believes in me now. She's come to watch me a couple of times, and knowing that no one is really as secure as they'd like to be makes my plans look a bit more solid. So yes, that helps.
Some friends are also putting together a competition at www.funnysfunny.org.uk and there has been a lot of discussion lately as to what might help reduce this invisibility. There is some concern that to have an all-female competition is to compartmentalize it somewhat, but it's a start and the competition is most definitely not the end.
I know what I would like to see are more chances being opened to women to be able to be more visible in the world of comedy. There is a vanguard of a handful of women comics who do the rounds of panel shows. Surely we can let through the rest of the good enough ones now? I mean, delighted as I am that a couple of people I know and think are fab have made it onto Russell Howard's Good News, for example, I can't remember a single female comic ever appearing, unless I blinked and missed her. There are surely female comics out there who that audience would absolutely love. If they can't think of any I could write a list for them if they want. But, at the end of the day, lists achieve nothing by themselves, do they?
When it comes to real achievement, lists are empty things that neither give you a map to where you are going nor demonstrate how you might go about getting there. You tend to write them out of chronological order as you skip necessary processes and have to add things later out of sequence. You tend to go back and underline things or put little asterisks by them when it becomes clear that they should have higher priority. In fact, a list is rarely left in the state in which it is first written: things get neatly ticked off, or violently scratched through on completion, depending on one's mood or custom. But, at the end of the day, lists achieve nothing by themselves.
I've had a couple of meetings this weekend: one to arrange a poetry event for the Earls Barton Village Festival on 8th June, the other to plan a comedy show that I'm hoping to take to a festival on a double bill with a friend. I'll be a bit Secret Squirrel about that one just for now as there's stuff we are waiting on before declarations can be made, but I'm pretty excited about it. It feels like the sort of thing a proper grown-up comedian might do. I don't think you can be taken seriously as a comedian until you start doing that for yourself, and it's something to aim for.
I've been thinking about things a lot today - credibility, cultural limitations - following a post from la_marquise_de_ on her sense of permission, or lack of it, to write. And so as I have moved through the rooms in the house, sorting out the recycling (tick), working on a presentation for tomorrow (tick), emailing invites to the poetry event (tick) and cooking dinner (tick), I've also been thinking about my own sense of guilt as a performer.
When I say guilt, I don't mean guilt for inflicting my sense of humour on unwary audiences (though perhaps I should...). I am some way down the path now, growing better and stronger all the time. But I do sometimes feel a bit invisible. All comedians really need is one chance, then another, then another: 5, 10, 15, 20, 25. We progress through the numbers and grab our time on stage - tick - going backwards and forwards all the time, unable to easily rest on laurels, or make bold claims about our achievements without feeling, well, guilty. To be honest, I've no idea if this is just me, or if other women feel the same, or if the chaps do too, or maybe they do but for different reasons.
I think my mom is actually helping me big time. A woman totally lacking in any self-belief whatsoever, bless her. But she encourages me. I was speaking to her today on the phone. I was explaining how skint I was due to the recent situation I can't go into but how proud I was of my super savvy grocery shopping this week, and how I'd managed to cook me and N some nice food today (griddled mackerel, new potatoes and ratatouille followed by rhubarb bread pudding and cream - thank you closing down market stalls and supermarket shelves of shame!)and we ended up talking about where I'd like to be and how I could earn doing creative things, and the comedy show I was planning. There was a time when I first started when she thought it was all a bit silly. She'd quite forgotten about the recent situation I can't go into so hearing it afresh shocked her a bit, I think. But she believes in me now. She's come to watch me a couple of times, and knowing that no one is really as secure as they'd like to be makes my plans look a bit more solid. So yes, that helps.
Some friends are also putting together a competition at www.funnysfunny.org.uk and there has been a lot of discussion lately as to what might help reduce this invisibility. There is some concern that to have an all-female competition is to compartmentalize it somewhat, but it's a start and the competition is most definitely not the end.
I know what I would like to see are more chances being opened to women to be able to be more visible in the world of comedy. There is a vanguard of a handful of women comics who do the rounds of panel shows. Surely we can let through the rest of the good enough ones now? I mean, delighted as I am that a couple of people I know and think are fab have made it onto Russell Howard's Good News, for example, I can't remember a single female comic ever appearing, unless I blinked and missed her. There are surely female comics out there who that audience would absolutely love. If they can't think of any I could write a list for them if they want. But, at the end of the day, lists achieve nothing by themselves, do they?