LOL! I love him.
12 Things You Should Know About The Red Sox, by Kevin Millar (#15)
1) You can thank me for all the slogans. "I came up with Cowboy Up, Manny Being Manny. The Sox probably made a million off those. So anybody who reads this, I think it's time to help No. 15 out."
2) You can thank Billy Mueller for dinner. "Actually, me and Billy Mueller. We make the least amount of money on this team and pick up the most tabs. But I have to give some credit to Jason Varitek. He takes the team out to eat pretty often, especially now that he has a big-deal contract."
3) Don't thank Manny Ramirez for anything. "Manny is by far the cheapest human being on this earth. He doesn't understand that he makes $20 million a year. We ask Manny to open his wallet up and let it breathe, because I know he has choked a few Benjamins."
4) The Yankees-Sox rivalry is worse than you think. "I grew up on the West Coast, so I knew Dodgers-Giants, but since being a part of this rivalry, it has exceeded all my expectations. The cities hate each other and the teams hate each other. But the players respect each other. That's the unique part of it."
5) David Ortiz has style. "He's Big Papi. Always got the bling going, always dressed. Got the big collars, the big cuff links and all the jewelry and accessories you can think of."
6) Curt Schilling needs David Ortiz's help. "Curt needs to get out there and go to the Gap, to Levi's, anywhere to get rid of the 1999 Guess jeans that he wore to a Def Leppard concert back in the day. And he needs to get rid of the freaking Birkenstocks that he wears with his tired jerseys from different sports. Curt, if you read this, you need to go to the mall."
7) Johnny Damon can flirt. "Johnny brings out the most females to our stadium. He plays the role. He plays the rock star and keeps winking and smiling to get the girls out here."
8) But we're the ones who have to see him undressed. "Johnny might have the oddest pregame ritual on the team. He loves being naked. So he's in his underwear or naked until just before game time. And since he bats leadoff, it's like one minute you see him naked, and the next minute he's on second base with a double."
9) Doug Mirabelli can preen. "He spends the most time in front of the mirror. Mirabelli thinks he's God's gift to women, and he is terrible with his shirt off."
10) Gabe Kapler has the best arm on the team. "I played with Mark Kotsay in Florida, and he had a strong, accurate arm. Kapler's right there with him. He can throw from all three outfield positions."
11) He also treats his body like a temple. "Kapler loves his protein bars, his protein shakes, his seven-minutes abs, all that stuff."
12) Curt Schilling doesn't. "You'll never see Schilling in the gym. Never, ever, ever. I've never even seen him break a sweat in the two years we've been teammates."
1) You can thank me for all the slogans. "I came up with Cowboy Up, Manny Being Manny. The Sox probably made a million off those. So anybody who reads this, I think it's time to help No. 15 out."
2) You can thank Billy Mueller for dinner. "Actually, me and Billy Mueller. We make the least amount of money on this team and pick up the most tabs. But I have to give some credit to Jason Varitek. He takes the team out to eat pretty often, especially now that he has a big-deal contract."
3) Don't thank Manny Ramirez for anything. "Manny is by far the cheapest human being on this earth. He doesn't understand that he makes $20 million a year. We ask Manny to open his wallet up and let it breathe, because I know he has choked a few Benjamins."
4) The Yankees-Sox rivalry is worse than you think. "I grew up on the West Coast, so I knew Dodgers-Giants, but since being a part of this rivalry, it has exceeded all my expectations. The cities hate each other and the teams hate each other. But the players respect each other. That's the unique part of it."
5) David Ortiz has style. "He's Big Papi. Always got the bling going, always dressed. Got the big collars, the big cuff links and all the jewelry and accessories you can think of."
6) Curt Schilling needs David Ortiz's help. "Curt needs to get out there and go to the Gap, to Levi's, anywhere to get rid of the 1999 Guess jeans that he wore to a Def Leppard concert back in the day. And he needs to get rid of the freaking Birkenstocks that he wears with his tired jerseys from different sports. Curt, if you read this, you need to go to the mall."
7) Johnny Damon can flirt. "Johnny brings out the most females to our stadium. He plays the role. He plays the rock star and keeps winking and smiling to get the girls out here."
8) But we're the ones who have to see him undressed. "Johnny might have the oddest pregame ritual on the team. He loves being naked. So he's in his underwear or naked until just before game time. And since he bats leadoff, it's like one minute you see him naked, and the next minute he's on second base with a double."
9) Doug Mirabelli can preen. "He spends the most time in front of the mirror. Mirabelli thinks he's God's gift to women, and he is terrible with his shirt off."
10) Gabe Kapler has the best arm on the team. "I played with Mark Kotsay in Florida, and he had a strong, accurate arm. Kapler's right there with him. He can throw from all three outfield positions."
11) He also treats his body like a temple. "Kapler loves his protein bars, his protein shakes, his seven-minutes abs, all that stuff."
12) Curt Schilling doesn't. "You'll never see Schilling in the gym. Never, ever, ever. I've never even seen him break a sweat in the two years we've been teammates."