Day 7 - Acceptance, Or Something Like It - HP/AtS - for demented_mei
Title: Acceptance, Or Something Like It
Author: teaandhoney / smolder
Summary: "It is instinctual for Luna to reach out and attempt to comfort the other being (for she does not know what sort of creature it is yet)."
Prompt/Prompter: After Illyria takes over her body, Winifred Burkle wakes up to find herself sharing a body with 14-year-old Luna Lovegood during Goblet of Fire. What's worse, it's Christmas in Ravenclaw Tower, and all of the other Ravenclaws who've stayed for the holidays keep raving about some sort of Yule Ball, but poor Luna doesn't have a date and can't go. Can the two co-exist AND enjoy the holidays? I love hijinks, so please go nuts../ demented_mei
Ratings: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling & Angel belongs to Joss Whedon.
part one: creature of devastating sadness
Luna blinks up at the canopy above her bed and contemplates what to do next.
When she opened her eyes this morning she wasn't alone.
No one in her bed - no, perhaps more disturbing (for she remembers quite clearly her First Year and what happened to Ginerva) what ever it is, is now right there with her in her mind. The presence isn't malevolent though, it makes no attempts to take her over or manipulate her. And that is why Luna feels startled instead of panicked and why she sees no need to jump out of bed and alert an adult.
She - for Luna can sense very clearly it is a she - is afraid and confused but much more than that she is distressed. A ball of pain and devastating sadness curled as tight as possible in the corner of her brain. It is instinctual for Luna to reach out and attempt to comfort the other being (for she does not know what sort of creature it is yet).
Luna has no idea what she is doing, but that never stopped her before, and she clumsily reaches mental fingers out to touch.
The being gives a yell of fright (that is startlingly loud for all that it is only within her mind) right before they touch but it is too late - Luna has already made contact and they are being pulled together....
....twisting, blending.......and then there is only darkness...
...And it is a sharp thing. This world that appears when she is able to see again.
Smooth surfaces come to abrupt edges that you don't realize the danger of until there is blood everywhere.
So much blood.
Yours. His. Jasmine's.
It's always about the blood.
Another memory stabs.
You can sense immense space: tall curving walls that echo when intruders enter and a corner of furs all your own. All your own because you are all alone here in a cave covered in equations you know are right but never quite work, were your sanity wavers daily. (Not a cow. Not a cow.)
Luna feels like she should be screaming. This has gone on for so long, unrelenting memory after memory, jumbled and out of order, cutting at her - she wishes for softness, for comfort. Instead the thought of wishes brings chaotic half images of Cordy warning you about vengeance demons and the birthday cake when you turned 10 with the topping of a giant bright sunflower of frosting that twirls together.
The image of the flower twirls faster. Breaking apart and becoming flame - fire falling from the sky, raining down on L.A. And then the flame burns brighter - yellow into white into blue.
Blue.
Hot so hot. She is burning. Insides liquidating - and she can feel all of it. But the coldness that comes after is worse, she knows what the cold means and there is no coming back from it.
"Please, Wesley. Why can't I stay?"
Nothing else is after.
It echos loud and final.
Luna almost wants there to be despite the pain of it, wants somethings there to have been an ending to the story other than the abrupt stop. It reminds her too much of when she saw her mother die. That ending no one saw coming. And since she doesn't have an answer she gives that instead. As gently as she can, sliding her still sharp memory of seeing her mother become impossibly still, into the chasm of silence.
After the first it is easier.
And sharing the pain doesn't fix it - it doesn't make it better...but they cry together.
And somehow that does seem to help.
part two: breakfast, an adventure
Breakfast is an odd adventure, she finds herself reaching for pancakes and orange juice instead of her usual oatmeal and tea. She feels Fred's sheepish apology when they both realise what happened but Luna just goes along with it, greatly enjoying the different start to her day. She is only able to eat half of the giant pile though - it is a mystery to her how Fred, who she knows from shared memories was never anything but a skinny woman - was able to wolf down multiple stacks. (Amusement wafts over her.)
It is still early and as she chews they observe the various tables containing the other early risers. The Slytherin table is particularly empty although Gryfindor isn't much better this time of day, Hufflepuff is mainly the older students and her own Ravenclaw just has a few here or there spaced out (subtly creating bubbles of solitude) with books and cups of hot tea. Of Hogwarts' guests for the Tounament, the student population at the Beauxbatons' table at this hour is just as spotty as the Hogwarts' while Durmstrang's section is a sea of red robes. She wonders idly what their normal school starting time was in Scandanavia.
But Luna doesn't see the person she was hoping to talk to, the person she has been trying to catch (but somehow managing to miss) ever since the other schools arrived.
Mollifying the questioning tones she is getting from Fred (and Luna wonders if she can develop her mind so that they can communicate directly back and forth with words - but also doesn't know if it would be somehow less, she understands so much from feelings and memories) by getting up from her seat and heading towards the Library (somewhere the woman has been interested in from the moment Luna walked her through the place in her mind).
In the hallway though she hears an accented voice yelling her name and when she turns around she sees Gabrielle, a few yards a way, waving to her so excitedly that her blue hat almost falls of. She sees the other girl say something to her sister who smiles down at her and nod, Fleur gives Luna a small wave as well before entering the Great Hall with a few other students in blue uniforms and Gabrielle rushes over to her smiling widely.
Luna can't help the unexpected warmth that comes up in a wave as she approaches - her time as a child in the Veela village is a cherished memory held close to heart. One that she now gladly shows Fred.
(She was only eight at the time and her father had gotten permission to write and extensive piece on the Veela community. The problem came in that men were not allowed in large areas of the village, something that was strong in their traditions and laws surrounding when their women were their warrior and went into battle throwing fireballs. There was need of a place for them to learn control of both their offensive powers and their subtler ones - their ability to beguile men that could be just as deadly.
Her father begged her mother for help, to go where he couldn't. And although Mrs. Lovegood usually stuck to her home lab (outside of those times she was required to look for grants to pay for her work) she agreed to go because she was intrigued as well.
They took Luna with them. They usually did - it was not an odd thing for her throughout her childhood to tag along on expeditions. But this was exciting to her especially because it was all three of them - it was like a family vacation.
And the Veela women seemed to infold both. The old ladies all insist she call them Grandma (and Luna gladly does, her Father's parent's died and her Mother's disinherited her all before her birth), her mother seems to move easily amongst the young women, and Luna laughs and plays with the children (dozens of blonde girls, little ones pulling at her arms and begging for make believe games, teenagers braiding her hair and swearing she must be related somewhere in her blood.)
Then there is Gabrielle, she has just turned four and is fascinated by Luna. Sticking to her like glue throughout her days and laughingly demanding bed time stories from her before she goes to bed. (Luna has never had siblings but she believes this is what having a little sister would be like.)
What was scheduled as a two day research assignment lengthened into two weeks. When they eventually left Luna thought she would be buried in hugs.)
That was the first time. The second is a bit harder - the emotion in that memory is no where near as simple. She examines it along with Fred anyway, it all taking less then a moment in this nebulous mindspace of hers.
(The second is after her Mother is buried. Apoline is at the funeral (many people are but it is hard to keep track, hard to pay attention to anything). Luna is standing beside her Father, holding his hand. Both are dry eyed and staring, just staring at the grave marker, not knowing what to do next now that they have gone through all of the proper motions. Not knowing how to be now.
Without her.
But Apoline Delacour was never one to wait around. She vaguely remembers her sheet of silvery hair (that looked so bright against the dark mourning clothes) as she walked up to Father, the way the other woman fearlessly threw her arms around him. There is a whispered conversation that Luna just can't seem to register but her Daddy drops her hand and when she looks up he is crying. Then Luna was being picked up and soothing words in French are whispered against her hair right before they Apparate.
And it is the Veelas who teach her how to be strong - to have confidence on her own without the warm protective presence of her Mother. How to find that within herself instead and therefore always hold a part of her close. They surround her, literally - she wakes up in large puppy piles of people, letting her know as she cries that she is not alone. As well as figuratively, become a second separate family, a community of women that let her know in no uncertain terms that they will always be there for her to fall back on throughout her life.
Weeks later, her Father comes to pick her up and he looks rough (like he has been wrestling Thestrals, which is silly - she has always read that they are perfectly friendly to those who can see them) and it is obvious that he has not been recovering in their time apart as she has.
(There is never a moment of wanting to stay with the Veelas. Her Daddy needs her, they don't.) It is easy now for her to smile, to hug him, to be his light for a while until he can get his own back too.
And after that, when she came to Hogwarts, how could the comments of other students touch her when she always held the serene strength of Lovegood women - a shield that was so much more of her being than magic.)
And now she wraps her arms around Gabrielle and bends back for a moment, picking her up and making her squeal with giggles just like they always used to do. Fred (an only child as well) basks in her childish glee.
"I 'ave been trying to find you! I knew you went to 'Ogworts but ze castle is so large and I didn't know what 'ouse you were in," she said as she once her feet touched the ground again. "It 'as been much too long since I 'ave seen you!" she enthused, comfortably grabbing hold of Luna's hand and linking their fingers together, swinging their arm back and forth when she is done.
"Much too long," Luna agreed quietly, feeling for a moment like she might burst from the sense of homecoming that she must be overflowing with right now with how full to the brim she is. "Your so big now," she states (The memory of Connor stepping through a portal when the last time she had seen him he was a baby rises up) but it isn't nearly enough to make her smile waver.
And Gabrielle just giggles before stopping abruptly and smiling mischievously - a smile that Luna knows well from looking after her that she is plotting something.
"Come now," she whispers, tugging at Luna's hand. "I will show you ze 'orses. Our flying ones. I know how much you love ze creatures."
Luna goes along with no resistance, she has time before class and Fred is as excited as her to spend time with her little sister and see the winged horses so different from her familiar Thestrals.
part 3: indulgent exploration
Between Gabrielle, the excitement of the Tournament, and classes, they never reach the library until the next day - not for the good long stay that Fred needs to explore anyway. And Luna understands that, is happy and feels oddly indulgent to let the woman take joy (hesitant at first and then losing herself in the knowledge) in this when most of the time she can sense her lost in much worse feelings.
"Does your school vot have the translation?" a heavy voice says from behind where they have curled themselves up in a chair with a tall stack of books beside them on the floor and even more fanned about in front of them on the table, opened to various pages. Currently Fred is now buried deep in a Goblin History from well before Grindwald that Luna only really vaguely remembers some of the information being covered in History of Magic - and never with the amount of interest the other part of her mind is paying to it now.
"It's funnier in Latin," Luna says the automatic response that pops up in her brain from Fred. Both of them only freezing after the fact when they realized it came out with a slight Texas twang.
She turns around eyes wider than usually to see none other than Victor Krum. She blinks for a moment but when nothing else happens Luna simply says, "Hello." Noting that it is back to her normal British again.
And, after a pause, he sits down beside her (carefully moving a few books that went deep into Transfiguration theory - information that Luna didn't think she would be able to grasp when she flipped through it at the gentle prompting from inside her but had caused a spike of excitement from Fred - boards full of equations popping up before her minds eye that were even more incomprehensible but easily convinced her to add the tome to the pile) the group of girls that have been following him since he arrived at the school - now badly hiding behind some bookshelves a few yards away go into a frenzy of whispers. (Fred slides her a memory of chickens clucking crazily when feed is thrown on the ground and Luna bites the inside of her cheek at her compulsion to laugh loudly - she doesn't want to get kicked out of the library again.)
Luna glances from them back to Victor who seems to be studiously ignoring the adoring girls and decides that if he is trying so very hard she mustn't be the one to ruin the game by bringing them up. She has seen Hermione Granger become incredibly angry when the crowd of chickens (and now that is what they are in her mind) infiltrate the library but the other girl has not spoken to Vickor about it either so their must be a reason nobody brings them up. Something horrible that might happen if they are spoken of, she just doesn't know the rules to this particular game and doesn't want to be the one responsible for summoning a Heliopath or something equally bad.
Although she has always wanted to see one.
"Most modern witches and wizards do vot know the root languages," he states once his own things are situated on the table next to hers.
"Well that's silly," she responds bluntly, tilting her head (she notices his eyes dart to where her wand is tucked above her ear). "All of our spells are much easier to learn if you know what you are saying. There is power in words," and she feels both Fred and her shiver, knowing that truth deep.
Victor watches her with serious eyes and after a moment he simply nods as if he has just confirmed something, opens his own book and starts to read.
And after a moment Luna shrugs and lets Fred go back to the Goblin battle she was on - taking this time to just absorb the warm sense of company around her (despite how unconventional - really, what other way would she have it?).
For a bit it feels like having friends.
part four: a bit of advice
"Why do you want to go?" Luna asked curiously as they both stare at the Lake from their seat on the bank.
Gabrielle gave a glare at the body of water that had caused her such trouble. "Mother did not know zit was a zance only for the older students and sent dress robes for me zaz well. They are quite lovely but I am still growing and if I do not wear zit I will soon be too large. It might ze silly," she turned her head to smile at Luna, "but I do no wish for it to go to waste."
"Don't you want to go?" she asks back.
"It does sound like fun," Luna admitted (it is second nature now for that memory of the night at the ballet to float across her mind, she wonders what Cordy would think of "dress robes"), "but no one has asked me either. And as you said it's for the older students."
They notice one of those "older students" walking around the edge of the lake, kicking a stone with his shoe, deep in thought and generally not paying attention to the world around him.
"'Arry!" Gabrielle yelled, waving at the boy who rescued her while he was still a ways off.
Harry comes over a bit reluctantly but is no match for Gabrielle's excitement and she soon has him sitting down with them.
"So," he says awkwardly, staring straight ahead. "What were you guys talking about?"
"Ze dance," Gabrielle sighs and Harry stiffens, both girls notice, and it is the younger who asks. "What is wrong 'Arry?"
Harry seems taken off guard by their bluntly honest interest and ends up telling them about Cho and the girls who attempt to get a date with "The Boy Who Lived."
"You could take Gabrielle," Luna suggested when he finished. At his uncertain look she smiled calmly.
"Nobody would question it, Harry," Luna assured him. "You saved her and that makes you practically family amongst the Veela. It would be sweet, like taking your little sister to a big event."
"Please 'arry," Gabrielle begged, grabbing his arm again. "You'd be my 'ero. Again," she noted with a quirk of her lips.
"I'm not a hero," Harry said awkwardly
"Why not? There's nothing wrong with heroes," Luna said with an odd fond smile of remembrance. "They're some of the best people I wish I'd known."
Harry looked simultaneously touched and deeply confused.
"Alright," he says, giving in. "I'll go with, Gabrielle."
The girl in question squealed happily and practically tackled him with her hug. By the startled then content look on his face Luna could tell he grew up an only child as well.
She sees sudden inspiration come over Harry's face.
"Hey," he asks, "do you have a date?"
***
"Ask her," Luna says sipping her punch.
"What?" her date asks, barely a grunt his eyes trained across the room.
"To dance," she answers.
"Who?" Ron doesn't uncross his arms or stop glaring at a certain couple on the dance floor as he responds
"Hermione," she says simply.
He looks over at her then then and his voice is nervous as he asks, "Why would I dance with Hermione?"
Luna stares for a moment, not even blinking. She doesn't understand how Ron cannot tell, how it is possible not to just look and see the lines of connection between Hermione and him. She agreed to go as Ron's date because Harry asked her and assured her it would just be as friends - she thinks she would like more friends.
But this...can he not perceive his own actions?
It is Fred who is sympathetic in her mind, who in seconds shows Luna her entire relationship with Wesley. How the other man loved her so desperately (almost too much at times) right from the beginning. And time and time again Fred didn't see, hurt him by trying to build a close friendship when he wanted more so badly. Fred who takes the blame for figuring it out so late (although she had no way of knowing her time was so short - but perhaps she should have, there was never any guarantees in their lives).
It is then Fred in the forefront of her conscious when she leans forward (ignoring Ron's widening eyes and suspicious expression), smiles, so very sad, and says "If you don't dance with her now someone else will. And not only tonight. Do you want to loose her?"
Luna has never had a problem with being direct and approves of the bluntness - especially when it causes Ron to stand. As he gets to the edge of the dance floor his Gryfindor courage seems to waver and he looks back at her, she nods and he swallows hard, tugging on his hand-me-down robes and marching to the where Viktor and Hermione are dancing. He pauses again right before he taps the large Quidditch player on the shoulder and she almost fears he will turn back around.
The dancing couple spot him though and Ron seems to stammer a bit but the way Hermione's face lights up shows it hardly makes a difference.
Viktor easily steps away from them but once he reaches the edge of the crowd he seems ssomewhat at a loss, his dark eyes scan the room and spot her - he doesn't exactly smile but his whole expression brightens a bit as he makes his way over to her. He slides into the just vacated seat and exactly like in the library, the silence between them is comfortable.
Part 5: goodbyes
Cedric's death is a shock. Having Harry appear over his body - there is never a moment of doubt once they see, that there is no longer life in him; he is too still.
So very still as Harry screams and then Cedric's own Father's cries take up the mourning call.
(Her Daddy had screamed when he found her over Mommy's corpse, trying to shake her awake. So still.)
(Had Wesley yelled - in anger, in pain - when he realised she was gone?)
Luna is frozen in place - overwhelmed by horror, by twin memories. And it is Gabrielle, crying - looking for a familiar face who finds her - and grabs her, pulling her to the infirmary to stay and wait with her while her sister heals.
And it is for the best, because none of them want to be alone right then.
***
The day the other schools leave the Hall is a mass of bodies; everyone hugging, talking, laughing, and making promises to write. (Everyone grabbing tighter, talking louder to cover up nervousness over Dumlbledore announcing Voldermort being back and whispers of coming War).
Gabrielle begs her to come visit and has to be practically dragged away by a smiling Fluer - who gives her a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye before they go.
Almost before she can blink Victor has replaced the two Veelas have in front of her. He just stares at her and Luna is still under his gaze - she has never been intimidated by him and has never been the nervous sort.
It is Victor who blinks first, a wide unexpected smile splitting his serious face. "I vould like to write you, Luna," he states.
"I think I'd like that," Luna says tilting her head as awe fills her. "I don't have many friends at Hogwarts," (a gentle supportive warmth like an internal hug and makes her smile), "it would be nice to have friends in other schools."
"I am vour friend," Victor says with a nod and an utter seriousness that is simply deeply touching to both Luna and Fred. Then he firmly reaches for her shoulders and pulls her into a hug. "And I vill alvays be vour friend."
His hug isn't anything like Gabrielle's at all - he is much bigger than her and everything about him is hard unrelenting muscle. But Luna thinks she might quickly get used to this feeling of being so tiny. (Fred laughs loudly in her head).
And she is still laughing as she leaves. Luna is back to being alone in her mind before either of them register something has changed.
It feels like a good sort of goodbye.
***
She is no longer within the exceptionally accepting blonde teenaged witch and Fred expects nothingness next. But instead she is back in her body.
Not alive again. No, Illyria is still there but she is imitating Fred's likeness - as another's final wish. And in doing so somehow called back Fred herself.
Inside Illyria is surprised by the other consciousness now dually inhabiting her shell but there is no time for such things and anyway Fred is aligned with her in what she must do. Together they look down at their injured Wesley, together they hold his body as he dies (just as he once did for her.)
They tell him what he wants to hear in these final moments.
And they are not lies.
As he stills Fred stays were she is while Illyria lays his body down - she want Illyria to know something before she leaves too.
Because Fred does not blame Illyria, she has healed and learned acceptance (or at least something like it) during these weeks sharing a body with Luna. She blames the people who set this all in motion, she blames Knox who chose her to be the host of a God-King - thinking she was worthy in some twisted way while knowing what it would do to her. Her last act is to gift Illyria the body. Freely giving her the form which she took without thought, without thinking it was wrong or understanding the human emotion linked the her death that it would evoke.
Illyria doesn' say thank you - it isn't her way - but she links both Fred and Wesley to the role of Qwa'ha Xahn and their will be much violence done today in their names.
Fred floats free and reaches skyward, released at last from physical form, speeding up to catch Wesley and go together wherever they end up next.