Chatting it Up
Small talk is the most useful skill you could ever obtain. Its most obvious benefit is avoiding awkward silence when meeting a new person. It remains awkward, but at least the time is filled with words. Small talk gets a bad rep because it is seen as a mask for awkwardness, it doesn't truly help the situation. It's frivolous, forgettable, and fake. Do you really care how this person is doing? Do you really care what classes this person is taking this semester? And don't even pretend to talk about the weather, you both know how the weather is today, how it's been for the past few days, and you could easily look up what it will be tomorrow.
I disagree with the small talk haters. Small talk invites the other person to talk about herself. Then you respond by talking about yourself. Bam, right in that moment, you are a little less strangers and a little more friends. Once you are already friends with someone, you don't have small talk with them. You can answer all of the standard small talk questions for them. As friendship increases, small talk decreases, it gets used up. The second you begin small talk with a new person, you start mentally filling out an information form in your head. Each bit of information gets you closer to form completion and friendship. The more you know something about someone, the more you know him. Even if it's something small. For example: "Who's that guy over there?" "Oh, he's a math major. He's from New York." "Oh, cool." Just those two small facts about this guy makes you feel some connect with him. You feel that you know him enough to explain him--however briefly--to your friend. Your friend is satisfied with your answer. Major and hometown? You must know the guy somewhat. Just because you learned this information in while chatting with him for 30 seconds in the omelet line doesn't mean that it doesn't count. If you had never talked to him, you would have said, "I don't know." If you knew those facts from his Facebook page, you might have said, "I don't know." But you communicated with him, so you do know. And this guy know the same information about you, which he, in turn can inform his friends about, should they ask.
Let's say you see a lot of the same people everyday, in an office building, at a school, or in a neighborhood. If you small talk with one new person every week, you will have made 52 new acquaintances after a year. That's a lot of people that you can wave, smile, or say hi to when you pass them. Little things like that can be the difference between feeling like an outsider and feeling like you are part of a community. The first time you small talk with someone, you are fulfilling a social need just a little bit. Your mood and ego are slightly boosted. The second, third, fourth (and so on) times that you small talk with someone, your social need for the day is filled a little more than the last time. All of the people you encounter during the day have the potential to make you happier. If you are friendly with everyone you see, you won't feel as stressed out. Your mood will be brightened all day. It's like putting a beautiful frame on a set of pictures. Even the ugly ones don't seem so bad, and your most stressful days will be improved by have acquaintances everywhere you go.
One-time small talk also has its value. It too has the potential to lift your mood and make you feel more comfortable. A boring or awkward errand is much more pleasant when you chat with the receptionist or cashier. Small talk with your cab driver is much more fun than a silent ride. There is also the benefit of learning more about a store or getting a discount when you make friends with customer service workers.
Small talk is inclusive. You can small talk with your boss, the janitor, your third cousin, your mailman--pretty much anyone. That's the point. Small talk is an equalizer; it is about connecting anyone, anywhere. Small talk can make you a better person. It's true. Now that you're a professional small-talker, you have friends in high places and in low places. You know things about all kinds of people, leaving you less likely to stereotype or judge them. Many people are rude or indifferent towards strangers. You are that one customer to come in all day who smiled and chatted for a bit. Maybe you made someone's day. Or at least boosted their mood for a few minutes.
You have a tool that makes yourself and others happy. You can be comfortable in any situation. You can make a situation more comfortable for others. It can even serve as networking or for small-scale political gains. There are pretty much no drawbacks to being an excellent small-talk-er. So then why doesn't everybody do it? We tend to be scared of not knowing what to say or saying something stupid. Who cares? It's just small talk. You may have just met this person. Even if you haven't just met, the other person knows exactly what you are doing: trying to be friendly. They are just relieved that they didn't have to start the small talk first. Another fear that prevents small talk is that it's pushing a social boundary. We are all taught to be uncomfortable around strangers. This social boundary makes no sense. Isn't friendlier to talk than to not talk? Most people are shy about starting small talk, but nearly everyone appreciates being small-talked to.
I disagree with the small talk haters. Small talk invites the other person to talk about herself. Then you respond by talking about yourself. Bam, right in that moment, you are a little less strangers and a little more friends. Once you are already friends with someone, you don't have small talk with them. You can answer all of the standard small talk questions for them. As friendship increases, small talk decreases, it gets used up. The second you begin small talk with a new person, you start mentally filling out an information form in your head. Each bit of information gets you closer to form completion and friendship. The more you know something about someone, the more you know him. Even if it's something small. For example: "Who's that guy over there?" "Oh, he's a math major. He's from New York." "Oh, cool." Just those two small facts about this guy makes you feel some connect with him. You feel that you know him enough to explain him--however briefly--to your friend. Your friend is satisfied with your answer. Major and hometown? You must know the guy somewhat. Just because you learned this information in while chatting with him for 30 seconds in the omelet line doesn't mean that it doesn't count. If you had never talked to him, you would have said, "I don't know." If you knew those facts from his Facebook page, you might have said, "I don't know." But you communicated with him, so you do know. And this guy know the same information about you, which he, in turn can inform his friends about, should they ask.
Let's say you see a lot of the same people everyday, in an office building, at a school, or in a neighborhood. If you small talk with one new person every week, you will have made 52 new acquaintances after a year. That's a lot of people that you can wave, smile, or say hi to when you pass them. Little things like that can be the difference between feeling like an outsider and feeling like you are part of a community. The first time you small talk with someone, you are fulfilling a social need just a little bit. Your mood and ego are slightly boosted. The second, third, fourth (and so on) times that you small talk with someone, your social need for the day is filled a little more than the last time. All of the people you encounter during the day have the potential to make you happier. If you are friendly with everyone you see, you won't feel as stressed out. Your mood will be brightened all day. It's like putting a beautiful frame on a set of pictures. Even the ugly ones don't seem so bad, and your most stressful days will be improved by have acquaintances everywhere you go.
One-time small talk also has its value. It too has the potential to lift your mood and make you feel more comfortable. A boring or awkward errand is much more pleasant when you chat with the receptionist or cashier. Small talk with your cab driver is much more fun than a silent ride. There is also the benefit of learning more about a store or getting a discount when you make friends with customer service workers.
Small talk is inclusive. You can small talk with your boss, the janitor, your third cousin, your mailman--pretty much anyone. That's the point. Small talk is an equalizer; it is about connecting anyone, anywhere. Small talk can make you a better person. It's true. Now that you're a professional small-talker, you have friends in high places and in low places. You know things about all kinds of people, leaving you less likely to stereotype or judge them. Many people are rude or indifferent towards strangers. You are that one customer to come in all day who smiled and chatted for a bit. Maybe you made someone's day. Or at least boosted their mood for a few minutes.
You have a tool that makes yourself and others happy. You can be comfortable in any situation. You can make a situation more comfortable for others. It can even serve as networking or for small-scale political gains. There are pretty much no drawbacks to being an excellent small-talk-er. So then why doesn't everybody do it? We tend to be scared of not knowing what to say or saying something stupid. Who cares? It's just small talk. You may have just met this person. Even if you haven't just met, the other person knows exactly what you are doing: trying to be friendly. They are just relieved that they didn't have to start the small talk first. Another fear that prevents small talk is that it's pushing a social boundary. We are all taught to be uncomfortable around strangers. This social boundary makes no sense. Isn't friendlier to talk than to not talk? Most people are shy about starting small talk, but nearly everyone appreciates being small-talked to.