Sorry, if you don't read this I understand, its kinda long.
"How are you?"
Same age old question, same generic response.
well truth be told, I'm not fine. this is one of those times where livejournal is all I have to talk to because I can't find it in myself to muster up the courage to tell someone. I start conversations in hopes of getting them to ask me a questions that I can directly answer with the truth, my truth, the things that are going on in my life but some how no one gets the hint. its not their faults, I want to be very stealth about it, I don't want to be too obvious or else it would just seem desperate.
Why am I even writing this?
No one fucking reads this.
I want to say sooooo much SO FUCKING MUCH but I just can't.
Why is it so hard for me to share "feelings" with people, or just say what I am thinking.
Say that I think you are the worlds shittiest person or tell them that what they have done to be in the past has hurt me so much and i am still waiting for the day that I get over it.
Tell me what they really mean to me, tell them that they helelped me through quite possibly one of the roughest times in my life but now it started all over again. Its the same old feelings different people. I can't handle this anymroe.
everyone said that high school would make the whole freindsships situations easier because tehre would be more people like you and that you would easily find more in common with more people, well I am still waiting for it to get easier. you don't even know the things I think and how ridiculous they are, I wish I could explain this to you. But I can't not on here, I need to talk to people in person. It makes it so much easier to choke on my tears ratehr than just lettting them all just pour out and let myself feel so damn vulnerable again. I hate the late night, no one around. Just me and my thoughts. I want to be able to tell someone all of this and so much more but I don't actually have that kind of person. I want a best friend. Just one person that can get me through this, but its partially my fault. ALL of my friends have this idea of me and its just not who I am. I don't understand why every single one of my "friends" thinks I am such a back stabber and all I do is talk shit about them. This is not me.
This probably makes no sense, its all over tha place. I'm all over the place.
I feel like a part of me has died today and in the past couple of days. When did I grow up? When did my future become so real, when did this all happen? What the hell was I doing to not notice any of it. I honestly can not wait to get the fuck out of here because I am tired of living here. Is it sad that I know exactly where I want to live, I mean like down to the apartment complex and where it is located. This place is beautiful. I love living near some body of water so that I can have that at my convience anytime. But I am more scared now then I have ever been. I don't know what is going to happen. I can not know my future yet and that scares the shit out of me. I don't actually have anyone in my life telling me that its all going to be okay and that my life plans will work out becuase my life will not work out. I already know this. The things I want out of life and the things that I know I CAN GET out of life are two different roads. I need a job that gives me money because lets face it, I have grown used to that and I know, I just know, that no matter what I do, I can never be finicially secure because of all of my insecurities and my damn paranoid state of mind. Who is letting me know that I can do all the things that I want to achieve in life, no bodie. I am scared adn alone.
God, I have never felt so damn alone. I see all of the people that I am friends with and how they all have a great life adn people in their lives that care about them and that are letting them know that life is going to be okay and I envy that. I envy all of you right now reading this (I doubt any of you are because its so damn long, sorry about that) because you all have supportive families and you all more importantly have best friends. I have none of that. I wish you knew what I go through in my house and the shit I put up with, god damn it. I am going to break. I can't be here much longer. The things I think are extreme to say the least. I just need someone to tell this to. I don't like crying expecially alone in my room at night, it makes me feel even more pathetic than I already am.
If you read all this, I swear I will buy you some starbucks because you fucking deserve it.
I am sorry that it is long and all over the place, I just didn't know how to say all this. I will eventually refine this and mkae it livejournal worthy but as for now, I need to sleep because tomorrow I have to be an adult.
Same age old question, same generic response.
well truth be told, I'm not fine. this is one of those times where livejournal is all I have to talk to because I can't find it in myself to muster up the courage to tell someone. I start conversations in hopes of getting them to ask me a questions that I can directly answer with the truth, my truth, the things that are going on in my life but some how no one gets the hint. its not their faults, I want to be very stealth about it, I don't want to be too obvious or else it would just seem desperate.
Why am I even writing this?
No one fucking reads this.
I want to say sooooo much SO FUCKING MUCH but I just can't.
Why is it so hard for me to share "feelings" with people, or just say what I am thinking.
Say that I think you are the worlds shittiest person or tell them that what they have done to be in the past has hurt me so much and i am still waiting for the day that I get over it.
Tell me what they really mean to me, tell them that they helelped me through quite possibly one of the roughest times in my life but now it started all over again. Its the same old feelings different people. I can't handle this anymroe.
everyone said that high school would make the whole freindsships situations easier because tehre would be more people like you and that you would easily find more in common with more people, well I am still waiting for it to get easier. you don't even know the things I think and how ridiculous they are, I wish I could explain this to you. But I can't not on here, I need to talk to people in person. It makes it so much easier to choke on my tears ratehr than just lettting them all just pour out and let myself feel so damn vulnerable again. I hate the late night, no one around. Just me and my thoughts. I want to be able to tell someone all of this and so much more but I don't actually have that kind of person. I want a best friend. Just one person that can get me through this, but its partially my fault. ALL of my friends have this idea of me and its just not who I am. I don't understand why every single one of my "friends" thinks I am such a back stabber and all I do is talk shit about them. This is not me.
This probably makes no sense, its all over tha place. I'm all over the place.
I feel like a part of me has died today and in the past couple of days. When did I grow up? When did my future become so real, when did this all happen? What the hell was I doing to not notice any of it. I honestly can not wait to get the fuck out of here because I am tired of living here. Is it sad that I know exactly where I want to live, I mean like down to the apartment complex and where it is located. This place is beautiful. I love living near some body of water so that I can have that at my convience anytime. But I am more scared now then I have ever been. I don't know what is going to happen. I can not know my future yet and that scares the shit out of me. I don't actually have anyone in my life telling me that its all going to be okay and that my life plans will work out becuase my life will not work out. I already know this. The things I want out of life and the things that I know I CAN GET out of life are two different roads. I need a job that gives me money because lets face it, I have grown used to that and I know, I just know, that no matter what I do, I can never be finicially secure because of all of my insecurities and my damn paranoid state of mind. Who is letting me know that I can do all the things that I want to achieve in life, no bodie. I am scared adn alone.
God, I have never felt so damn alone. I see all of the people that I am friends with and how they all have a great life adn people in their lives that care about them and that are letting them know that life is going to be okay and I envy that. I envy all of you right now reading this (I doubt any of you are because its so damn long, sorry about that) because you all have supportive families and you all more importantly have best friends. I have none of that. I wish you knew what I go through in my house and the shit I put up with, god damn it. I am going to break. I can't be here much longer. The things I think are extreme to say the least. I just need someone to tell this to. I don't like crying expecially alone in my room at night, it makes me feel even more pathetic than I already am.
If you read all this, I swear I will buy you some starbucks because you fucking deserve it.
I am sorry that it is long and all over the place, I just didn't know how to say all this. I will eventually refine this and mkae it livejournal worthy but as for now, I need to sleep because tomorrow I have to be an adult.