my mind in action... words flowing with no regards to punctuation or sentence structure.
I saw today that Rebecca Ivey has gotten married. It crushed me worse than I thought it would. Seeing Jamie as her bridesmaid... and Heather. I feel like I should've been there too. But why would I? We haven't been friends in 12 years! But she was my first soul mate friend... she was my soul mate friend since kindergarden. But I did some things that destroyed it. I have dreams about her all the time. She just shows up in my dream like she's always been there... we're just friends. I've never been heartbroken over a friend like I have been over her. I've never gotten over us NOT being friends. It's like a bad break up, but worse. We were soul mate friends... what happened? It kills me that I'm not apart of her life. It kills me that we don't know anything about each other. Maybe I'm living in the past.. who she used to be. I don't know. All I know is that I would do anything for us to be friends again. Anything at all. I just dont know how to act and what to say to her. I sent her a message over facebook saying congratulations on getting married... but i wanted to tell her how much i missed her friendship and how much i thought about her and how she's doing and how i feel like we should've been roommates and not her and jamie and how much alike we still are. we are both marrying our high school sweethearts, we both get migraines, we're both adventurous... i dont know but there's something about her that i just MISS. we were closer than sisters. but am i kidding myself? we stopped being friends when we were 13 when middle school tore us apart. but maybe i can't let her go easily because she has had such an impact in making me who i am today. those years of 5-13 were what molded so much of who i am and who i've been... and unfortunately a lot more than that. I have a hard time getting that close to friends again because i'm scared of losing like that. I still love her... not ooh la la in love obviously but sisterly love. i'm so glad she's done well all these years, but part of me wonders if it would be easier to deal with had she not turned out well. like if she turned out to be a drug addict, then i would think "good thing we didn't stay friends or who would know what i would've done!" or a huge partier or slut or something. but she never was. she was everything i wanted to be and more... i think thats what hurt the most. why am i so hung up on this friend when i have so many near and dear? sometimes i really don't understand myself and my thoughts.