(no subject)
i went to therapy today.
i just talked to mom and she told me i was spending the night at her house for the weekend and i said "why?". she's probably crying right now. i'm a horrible horrible person. the therapist was really nice and i like her a lot, but i've decided that this is how i will probably live. i will write about how i'm feeling and leave it at that. i havent cried for a long time and that's good. but i want to cry. i really want to cry before i realize that everything is gone and i just danced my way through it. i feel guilty for not taking a babysitting job. and i'm angry about something that happened with a friend on the phone and at the same time i can't wait for this weekend but then i just remembered i'd be at mom's and i dont know how i feel about that. i'm glad im in therapy but i session talking about which school i should go to, which isn't on the top of my list of things to talk about. i dont know what im looking for. i feel really lonely for some reason. im angry at the world but on the other hand im happy but the more im writing this the more angry and upset i'm getting and i wish i could call somebody and tell them but there is nobody to call and i wish i knew what that felt like. i dont want to complain though, im really lucky...i just need to go to my room and chill out so im not this angry and upset over something as small as spending the weekend at moms and everything changing. without change life nobody would ever get stronger and grow. but i dont want to change too fast and in the past six month's clare has moved, my parents have gotten seperated, my mom's moved twice, my dad's moving, and my friends have changed. but still in the longrun everything is still good. i just need to get used to things being thrown. i sort of have this thing now where im terrifed of something going wrong, anything suddenly happening...almost like i'm living with this constant fear at the back of my head that there's something more somebody has to tell me, and i'll just finally not know what to do at all. i wish clare was here or i dont even know what i wish.
i just talked to mom and she told me i was spending the night at her house for the weekend and i said "why?". she's probably crying right now. i'm a horrible horrible person. the therapist was really nice and i like her a lot, but i've decided that this is how i will probably live. i will write about how i'm feeling and leave it at that. i havent cried for a long time and that's good. but i want to cry. i really want to cry before i realize that everything is gone and i just danced my way through it. i feel guilty for not taking a babysitting job. and i'm angry about something that happened with a friend on the phone and at the same time i can't wait for this weekend but then i just remembered i'd be at mom's and i dont know how i feel about that. i'm glad im in therapy but i session talking about which school i should go to, which isn't on the top of my list of things to talk about. i dont know what im looking for. i feel really lonely for some reason. im angry at the world but on the other hand im happy but the more im writing this the more angry and upset i'm getting and i wish i could call somebody and tell them but there is nobody to call and i wish i knew what that felt like. i dont want to complain though, im really lucky...i just need to go to my room and chill out so im not this angry and upset over something as small as spending the weekend at moms and everything changing. without change life nobody would ever get stronger and grow. but i dont want to change too fast and in the past six month's clare has moved, my parents have gotten seperated, my mom's moved twice, my dad's moving, and my friends have changed. but still in the longrun everything is still good. i just need to get used to things being thrown. i sort of have this thing now where im terrifed of something going wrong, anything suddenly happening...almost like i'm living with this constant fear at the back of my head that there's something more somebody has to tell me, and i'll just finally not know what to do at all. i wish clare was here or i dont even know what i wish.