Meh.
I just don't really understand my life anymore. I thought I had it all figured out, but man, I don't know a fucking thing.
Be Advised, I'm talking deep. And maybe I might offend or upset. So if I do, whatever, this is a journal, and I need to vent.
I've always thought of my self as a good friend. I'm not sure if I have problems with people or if they have problems with me, but all in all I try to be a good friend. I feel that if I try, then other people should try too. But that just isn't happening. I never talk to Lauren anymore. Or Brandon for that matter, but we fight whenever we talk so its all good. I thought we were suppose to be best friends and such. But ever since her and Brandon started going out, I never see them anymore. And I'm just tired of calling them, and having them never call me.
Another hardship that I have been going though is a rough patch between Cj and I. We've been together for so long. Almost three years. Its getting harder and harder to keep things fresh. All we do is fight anymore, and when we do fight, I feel like the bad guy. All I want is a good relationship. A HEALTHY relationship. And the other night, he yelled at me and told me he was tired of me telling him how bad of a boyfriend he is, and it just broke me and I couldn't stop crying. I mean, I couldn't sleep either. And I was sick. So I went on this sick bender for about three days, and I couldn't stand my self because of it.
I hated my self. I still do. Can I really be this bad of a person, to go ahead and loose everyone who is close to me? I feel like I have no one. Not one person.
I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I'm nineteen, almost twenty, living at my parents house, in a room where I can't see the floor. I work, sleep, and hang out with Cj. I go to classes at Del Tech. I hate Del Tech. Cj told me every semester I spend there is a waste, that I'm not at a REAL college. That really hurt me, but I think its true. I'm wasting away. I don't even fantasize about being successful anymore. I just can't grasp the concept of my self ever being successful. I hate everything about my self right now.
I failed the same class twice. It wasn't even a hard class. I just didn't do the work. I hated that class. Still do. I hate the teacher as well, because he would just go off on these wild tangents and I wouldn't be able to get my self back on track. Neither would the rest of the class for that matter. But thats still no excuse for failing the same class, TWICE. Oh my God. I am a failure. I can't amount to anything.
I want to get out of here. I really do. I want to go to University of Delaware, I'm tired of bullshitting and telling people that one day I will be at UD. I actually want to be there now. I hate this life I am living. But no matter how much I hate it, I can't change. Because I am an awful person.
Maybe I just push people away. I get too scared. I don't know, maybe I'm just making up excuses for a much bigger problem. I just wish I was a better person.
Be Advised, I'm talking deep. And maybe I might offend or upset. So if I do, whatever, this is a journal, and I need to vent.
I've always thought of my self as a good friend. I'm not sure if I have problems with people or if they have problems with me, but all in all I try to be a good friend. I feel that if I try, then other people should try too. But that just isn't happening. I never talk to Lauren anymore. Or Brandon for that matter, but we fight whenever we talk so its all good. I thought we were suppose to be best friends and such. But ever since her and Brandon started going out, I never see them anymore. And I'm just tired of calling them, and having them never call me.
Another hardship that I have been going though is a rough patch between Cj and I. We've been together for so long. Almost three years. Its getting harder and harder to keep things fresh. All we do is fight anymore, and when we do fight, I feel like the bad guy. All I want is a good relationship. A HEALTHY relationship. And the other night, he yelled at me and told me he was tired of me telling him how bad of a boyfriend he is, and it just broke me and I couldn't stop crying. I mean, I couldn't sleep either. And I was sick. So I went on this sick bender for about three days, and I couldn't stand my self because of it.
I hated my self. I still do. Can I really be this bad of a person, to go ahead and loose everyone who is close to me? I feel like I have no one. Not one person.
I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I'm nineteen, almost twenty, living at my parents house, in a room where I can't see the floor. I work, sleep, and hang out with Cj. I go to classes at Del Tech. I hate Del Tech. Cj told me every semester I spend there is a waste, that I'm not at a REAL college. That really hurt me, but I think its true. I'm wasting away. I don't even fantasize about being successful anymore. I just can't grasp the concept of my self ever being successful. I hate everything about my self right now.
I failed the same class twice. It wasn't even a hard class. I just didn't do the work. I hated that class. Still do. I hate the teacher as well, because he would just go off on these wild tangents and I wouldn't be able to get my self back on track. Neither would the rest of the class for that matter. But thats still no excuse for failing the same class, TWICE. Oh my God. I am a failure. I can't amount to anything.
I want to get out of here. I really do. I want to go to University of Delaware, I'm tired of bullshitting and telling people that one day I will be at UD. I actually want to be there now. I hate this life I am living. But no matter how much I hate it, I can't change. Because I am an awful person.
Maybe I just push people away. I get too scared. I don't know, maybe I'm just making up excuses for a much bigger problem. I just wish I was a better person.