I thought I was done lying.
I've taken a lot of time to observe my life and the peope around me lately, and it's really kind of tipped me sideways. Haha, more sideways than usual I guess. I look at people, and I see where they're going or not going and then when I think of me I just... get sad. Disappointed. I feel a little out of place. It's like, I though I could surround myself with people who were smart, intelligent, who I wanted to be like, who were going places, and I could pretend to be like them and maybe eventually I would be. But really I was just lying. To myself, to them, and to everyone else. I'm like a big faker. A pretender. In reality it's like... I can see these people outgrowing me. I have a friend off studying film at NYU that I used to love talking to about ATLA and movies and such, and now when we talk I just feel so... inadequate. Like, my opinions are so simple and I can't explain them with any depth and I flounder for things to say that won't sound dumb in comparison to the things she can tell me. And then I think, well maybe it's just cause you're not a film student. You don't know how to disect things the way she does. But that's not the case. Because I can't talk about books with any depth either. Or music. I can't talk about anything in depth.
I used to think and people used to tell me that English was my strongest subject. But to be completely honest, I think it's just the subject I suck the least at. Which brings me to the question of what the hell I'm gonna do with my uselessness. I think about how I'm in school and it just scares me and makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm wasting time and money that isn't all mine trying to do something that I don't think I'll finish out. Other people want to learn, crave learning, crave knowledge, and I spend my time debating on whether I should download Criminal Minds or Charmed first. I am not good at anything. Really. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and I can't find one thing that I truely excel at. I can't do any Math above Algebra to save my life. Chemistry and Biology escape me. I can't write worth a damn. My vocabulary is so much smaller than I like to think or let people think. I can't even freakin spell irresistible right on the first try. It's why I can't usually keep a conversation going for more than 5 minutes.
You know, there's these people I see around town a lot. Young adults, I guess is a better term. But these are kids I used to go to school with. Kids that graduated after me, or 1, 2, 3, however many years before me. My friend and I have always talked about them with disdain. They don't go to school. They don't have jobs. The spend the money their parents give them on weed and they loiter and make disturbances around town. They party all the time. They don't give a fuck about anything. They aren't trying to better their lives. And now that I think about it... how am I better than them? Cause I'm not. Sure I have a job and I go to school, but really am I going anywhere? I don't think so. Sometimes I think I'll just be stuck as a movie theater worker for the rest of my life.
Welp. That was was sufficiently whiney and angsty and I guess I basically just aired my insecurities and dirty laundry outside for everyone to see. Haha how much more of a typical teenager can I be? Maybe the Linkin Park/Incubus concert on Friday will clear my head, but I sincerely doubt it. (lol it's LINKIN PARK. That's angst spelled backwards.)