tl;dr of me being fucking stupid again
So I came home from my dad's house, as per usual. No warm welcome, no "hey I missed you," not even a hi. Only a "I have to do an audit tomorrow, go away" as I entered the room. And you know, I'm used to it. Plus, it was only a few days, and idk I've come home to worse. A lot worse. And I know she's busy with work and the world of course, doesn't revolve around me so really it's not that big of a deal.
But I dunno. Something's up with today, cause I just started thinking back. And I remembered a whole bunch of times, before my mom even married the guy who made my life hell, where she used to just... manipulate me. I don't know why and I just. I don't even know what to say about it. I'd come home from my dad's house and it's like she'd pit me against him. I mean, I know they didn't used to get along but I never understood why. She'd ask me who was my favorite, she'd insist on me choosing between them. Younger!me figured it out pretty quick that whenever she asked, you'd answer "I love you the most Mommy." Funny thing, but this went on for years and years probably till I was about 10 or 11.
I remember so many times where I did something wrong or I made a mistake and she would just... make me feel like the lowliest trash to walk the earth(lol who am I kidding, she still does). She'd even go so far as to attribute it to my dad. She'd call that side of my family white trash, and she'd mock me for acting like white trash. She'd tell me I didn't get any of her good Filipino genes or I wouldn't be such a failure. She made me feel bad for being something that I had no control over. The first time I got a C, she shamed me. "No one in our family has ever gotten such poor grades. Even your retarded uncle did better." So basically I'm the stupid one of the family. Still am actually.
But I just didn't understand sometimes. Like one time we were home alone, my grandparents were I don't even remember where. I was probably between 7 and 9(idrk ages escape me). I was scared of the dark then. I've always been a bit of a scaredy cat. And I guess she thought she was toughening me up but when I came to her room asking for some company she wanted to know why. So I told her that I was scared of the dark and I just wanted to hug my mommy or whatever childish bullshit I was spouting back then. idk I full acknowledge the fact that I was and am a huge pussy. But you know what she did? She made turn off all the lights in the house, except for the one in her room, and as I was running back to her she locked me out. She locked me in the dark. Which at the time, apart from spiders of course, was my biggest fear (don't even get me on spider+the dark put together). And I was just so... scared. So scared. And pathetic. And I just sat outside her room weeping for idk how long. It was too long. And I knew then that that was the price of failure to her. But still I couldn't be perfect.
I don't even know why I'm writing about this. Maybe it's because recently, I've been evaluating my relationships with people. The thing is, I'm not very good at being.... idk sociable? friendly? I seriously don't know how to describe it, but when I say I'm a loner, I mean it. I'm better off that way. Because I don't know how to be likeable. I don't know how to be a normal friend. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. This is so frustrating. But I think I can be classified as a people pleaser. I want to be liked, I want to be cared about in a way that I don't think I ever got, and if I feel like I'm doing something wrong I tear myself to shreds. I think that's why I'm so bad at taking criticism or being embarrassed. I just don't know how to be like everyone else. My mom keeps asking me why I'm not making any friends in college and I can hear the scorn in her voice when I tell her I don't really know how. But it's the truth. I don't think I can make friends normally. High school was different. I was different back then. Because really, I only got worse after my stepdad came around. And now I'm just ruined. I don't know how to be around people. Even the friends I've got know there's something off about me.
God, this post probably doesn't even make any fucking sense. I started one place and I didn't even properly connect it to wherever I ended up. I hope you didn't waste your time reading it. I just. There's something wrong with me. And I don't know how to fix it. I wish I had the courage to tell my mom I need a therapist. I really wish I did. Because maybe they can tell me how to fix myself.
ETA: FUCK TEARS. FUCK CRYING. THEY SHOULD BOTH BE ABOLISHED FROM EXISTENCE. I HATE BEING SO WEAK.