The End of the Beginning or the Beginning of the End?
So profound my life has been to this point, I have always had the ability to take the smallest minut detail and amplify it into something glorious, inspiration for example, a great realization but at what cost? Sometimes i wonder if my inspirations are nothing more than a cushion to fall back on to avoid the plain and simple truth that subconsciously im too scared to take it further. Its a fail safe a horrible runaround that seemingly will never end i mean lets examine it, i broke up with jennifer and found this incredible artist inside of me because of it, i broke up with E.Dagley and drew from that a versatility in my music ive never known, its all bullshit. I talk the talk, ive been searching for love for so long yet when i find anything remotely close to it i fold, unknowing to me, but still something i bring upon myself. So now i find myself with this realization, maybe the greatest inspiration i have ever come to know, but the price is the closing of a road i was so ready to walk that i will never be able to walk again. Its all a cycle if you think about it, a cycle that takes away any validity in statements like ive never felt like this before. What i found with Erin was an all out blitz of love that i chose to push away consciously and subconsciously and it hurts because i have nowhere left to look. There is nothing greater out there than her and i think that is truly the scariest thing i have to face through all this. Put it into terms of understanding what if you searched for atlantis all your life, thought you found it a few times and when you finally did it was over, now stay with me, love is a puzzle that is constructed to never be solved but discovering something new everyday about the person you know is for you is greater than love because it keeps it going, its never supposed to be solved thats what love is, its only after you stop finding new things and that search is over all be it finding atlantis or a break up that you realize that searching for new 'clues' or new things to love is what love is all about and through all my self proclaimed knowledge of love i never realized that so i think that the inspiration i take from the one who got away is the ability to realize the old adage, you never know what you have until its gone and you figured i would have learned that last summer and i thought i did, but now i miss all those little things that i realized made me love her and understand how special she is...and i know that my heart is only a fraction of what it once was because she has it all and everything great about me is her so i am nothing now, a shell, sort of stuck in purgatory, nowhere to go because the only place that i desire to go i cant and thats back...what do i do, i am perfectly fine with accepting the consequences of my actions and i dont know if my once baby will ever read this but i am truly sorry for all the hurt ive caused. I cannot fathom whats ahead for me although its the norm to say that after ending a relationship with somebody that was more than a friend in all cases, i really dont know whats ahead for me...change is the priority and a high priority, intense workouts and no more smoking are the immediate plan of action which started this week, my health is the first change and that will come swiftly now that smoking is out of the window, maybe i need to take a step back to take a step forward maybe i need to find that painter that poet maybe i need to resurrect the emotions associated with that to become what i once was a romantic, i mean damn tomas what happened to you, i did half of the shit for the most important person ive ever known and twice the shit for people who meant not even a fourth to me relationship wise, how did i let it spiral out of control, why couldnt i realize what i had, i had heaven, i had love, i had pure beauty, i had a goddess, i had someone who would love me and put up with my shit for the rest of her life if i asked her, i had everything to lose...and i lost it, i fumbled, i turned the ball over, right when it was getting so good, becoming close with her parents something i thought i could never do, i shed tears occasionally but it hasnt hit me yet, my soul aches but i just hope i find the sanity to battle through it when it hits unlike last summer cause when it hits it is going to be something ive never felt, its going to feel like im choking and my heart is being crushed and i know that i'll probably choke on my tears as they bleed from my heart, ive messed up twice, but two times is never the charm, three times is the question is will i ever be given the chance to prove it or will she never honor me with that chance
people in love do stupid things but there should never be anything so big that it isnt worth saving love and its my fault for not realizing that
for now i dont think i'll ever have that chance again with her
and in the end i have become what i always become
a lesson...nothing more
I have so much to offer her i would do anything for her i would place her on a pedestal for the rest of my life i would go back and erase everything i did to hurt her
what goes around comes around
not only has it come around it has taken residence in my heart, forever
what have i learned from being with her
EVERYTHING
I still wish for cloe
and i still wish for erin
but it seems that neither of them will come to fruition
The end of the beginning and the beginning of the end are one in the same in this case
because all signs point to the end of the beginning of the rest of my life which is ultimately the beginning of the end because if i found my soulmate and now its over there really is nothing left to find except death, not to sound morbid, i just feel that nobody is worthy of her, least of all me
until i find solace, these words will always comfort me
I LUBBLES YOU ERIN
ME LUBBIES YOU
it seems the show is over...but i will wait patiently with a lighter up waiting for an encore, praying for an encore until im old and gray
There is no point in a Rockets championship now
there is no point in anything
i broke my promise with god now i must deal with the consequences, he doesnt take to lightly when you hurt an angel
when you reach for a star you hardly ever grab it, but when you do and slip grips the fall is unbearable and i am in midflight until i hit the ground i will pray and try to make amends with god for the way i treated her and make amends with myself i cannot make amends with her, there is absolutely nothing i can do to right those wrongs i dont deserve her but i will pray for her to someone ive turned my back on i just cant believe it ended like this i refuse to believe that this is the end, i am a ghost stuck and holding on to memories of something great that i ruined and i will be that until she gives me a chance to prove that i can be more than what she fell in love with
its not that i cant find love again its i cant find her again she is greater than love
she is spam
and i will starve myself rather than be with anything other than spam
that is my life mission statement from this day forward
it should have been that when we got back together last summer
i would gladly give her all my spare time all my money all my possesions all my everything if i got her back but she cant believe me and i would expect nothing less than that from her, i know how strong she is and it would dissapoint me if she did but the only string of hope i have is that the change im about to make doesnt come into full swing after she has truly lost all her love for me, because then i would have a case something to show her, i know she loves me but i know its know fading because the cuts i gave her are to big to repair without me having a chance to repair them
i have only hope that time is on my side and my prayers
i wish there was something immediate i could do
but all i can do is focus on the changes i need to make because changes are like computers you gotta update them every so often and im past due for an update
i know god doesnt favor me too much right now but still i beg once again for another chance truly the last one, i mean if love is that great and true why wouldnt i be able to get one last chance
i dont know the answer to that or anything else
so for now all i can is shed tears scars and bad habits and pray for a hail mary pass
the future is blurry and the chances are slim so i am stuck with only one thought in my mind and heart
"I love you erin" how i long to say that to her again and touch her lips
i would drop to my knees and beg her in front of a million people
i am dedicated to her now its just ironic that she isnt here to see it
I love you erin
i always will....
people in love do stupid things but there should never be anything so big that it isnt worth saving love and its my fault for not realizing that
for now i dont think i'll ever have that chance again with her
and in the end i have become what i always become
a lesson...nothing more
I have so much to offer her i would do anything for her i would place her on a pedestal for the rest of my life i would go back and erase everything i did to hurt her
what goes around comes around
not only has it come around it has taken residence in my heart, forever
what have i learned from being with her
EVERYTHING
I still wish for cloe
and i still wish for erin
but it seems that neither of them will come to fruition
The end of the beginning and the beginning of the end are one in the same in this case
because all signs point to the end of the beginning of the rest of my life which is ultimately the beginning of the end because if i found my soulmate and now its over there really is nothing left to find except death, not to sound morbid, i just feel that nobody is worthy of her, least of all me
until i find solace, these words will always comfort me
I LUBBLES YOU ERIN
ME LUBBIES YOU
it seems the show is over...but i will wait patiently with a lighter up waiting for an encore, praying for an encore until im old and gray
There is no point in a Rockets championship now
there is no point in anything
i broke my promise with god now i must deal with the consequences, he doesnt take to lightly when you hurt an angel
when you reach for a star you hardly ever grab it, but when you do and slip grips the fall is unbearable and i am in midflight until i hit the ground i will pray and try to make amends with god for the way i treated her and make amends with myself i cannot make amends with her, there is absolutely nothing i can do to right those wrongs i dont deserve her but i will pray for her to someone ive turned my back on i just cant believe it ended like this i refuse to believe that this is the end, i am a ghost stuck and holding on to memories of something great that i ruined and i will be that until she gives me a chance to prove that i can be more than what she fell in love with
its not that i cant find love again its i cant find her again she is greater than love
she is spam
and i will starve myself rather than be with anything other than spam
that is my life mission statement from this day forward
it should have been that when we got back together last summer
i would gladly give her all my spare time all my money all my possesions all my everything if i got her back but she cant believe me and i would expect nothing less than that from her, i know how strong she is and it would dissapoint me if she did but the only string of hope i have is that the change im about to make doesnt come into full swing after she has truly lost all her love for me, because then i would have a case something to show her, i know she loves me but i know its know fading because the cuts i gave her are to big to repair without me having a chance to repair them
i have only hope that time is on my side and my prayers
i wish there was something immediate i could do
but all i can do is focus on the changes i need to make because changes are like computers you gotta update them every so often and im past due for an update
i know god doesnt favor me too much right now but still i beg once again for another chance truly the last one, i mean if love is that great and true why wouldnt i be able to get one last chance
i dont know the answer to that or anything else
so for now all i can is shed tears scars and bad habits and pray for a hail mary pass
the future is blurry and the chances are slim so i am stuck with only one thought in my mind and heart
"I love you erin" how i long to say that to her again and touch her lips
i would drop to my knees and beg her in front of a million people
i am dedicated to her now its just ironic that she isnt here to see it
I love you erin
i always will....