Twilight 2: Broodening Harder
Twilight 2: Broodening Harder
by Nathaniel Jones
It was a new year in the ever-grey town of Forks, Washington, and Bella Swan was having her 18th birthday, which makes it legal but still creepy for her to date a hundred and nine year old man.
To celebrate the occasion, all of her vampire friends got together to throw her a party.
“Yay, Bella, it’s your birthday. We all got your presents.”
“Except for me. I didn’t get you a present because you said you didn’t want any.”
“You’re a hundred and nine years, and you haven’t figured out that when a girl says she doesn’t want a present, that means she wants a really good present?”
“Taking a hint isn’t one of my vampire powers.”
“Never mind that now - I want to open my presents.”
As Bella unwrapped her first gift, tragedy struck - a small paper cut, which caused a single drop of blood to fall to the floor. All of the vampires turned to stare at it, driven wild by the smell of fresh human blood.
The temptation proved too great for Jasper’s vampire appetite, and he lunged for the miniscule wound, but before he could reach her, Edward used his super speed and super strength to protect Bella by hurling her onto a table full of razor blades, knives, and broken glass, which very helpfully caused her to bleed so much that everyone in the room suddenly want to kill her even more.
“You know, now that I think about it, I may have just made things worse?” Mused Edward plaintively.
But luckily, none of the vampires did end up killing her, because of reasons. And then the vampire that is a doctor stitched her up and she was good-as-new, but she and Edward left to avoid the awkward silence that always follows whenever party guests go crazy and try to eat the birthday girl.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a present.”
“It’s okay - I didn’t want that kind of present anyway. What I really want for my birthday is for you to turn me into a vampire so that we can be together forever.”
“Bella, I’ve already explained to you how awesome it is to be a vampire. Did I say ‘awesome?’ I meant to say terrible. It’s super terrible. The super terriblest of all things. It’s like, how much more terrible could it be? And the answer is none. None more terrible.”
“I know, but I’m already 18 - I’m practically an old maid. You need to make me a vampire, or we can’t stay together. And I’d rather die than not stay together, so if I’m going to die anyway, might as well kill me and make me a vampire, right? I mean, that’s just logic, right there.”
“I don’t want to live without you, either - if I thought I’d have to live in a world without you, I’d go to the royal family of vampires and have them kill me, because that’s the only way for a vampire to die.”
“No it’s - anyway, if you can’t stand to live without me, and I can’t stand to live without you, why don’t you just make me a vampire already?”
“I don’t remember. But no. Next topic: did you notice my new Volvo?”
“Argh.”
The next day, Bella and Edward went out to the woods, where Bella planned on continuing to whine about how much she wants to die and be a vampire, but before she could start, Edward made a Very Surprising Announcement:
“Bella, I’ve been thinking about what happened the other day, and I realized that it’s far too dangerous for us to be together. That, and people are starting to question how we all look like we’re in our twenties, but our IDs say we were born in the 1930s. So our whole family is leaving town, never to return again, until we do.”
“Wait - let me come with you!”
“No, Bella, you don’t belong with our kind. You belong with other humans. Go home, Bella.”
“No, Edward, I can’t! I can’t live without you!”
“Get out of here! Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore? Why don’t you go back where you came from? Leave us alone! Go! Go! “
“Why are you doing this? How can you leave me here, unprotected?”
“Don’t worry - I’ll still watch over you. Whenever you’re in danger, I’ll come back in the form of an Obi-Wan Kenobi style ghost!”
“So you’re saying that if I want to see you again, all I have to do is put myself into dangerous and life-threatening situations?”
“Yeah - I mean, no. Wait. Dangit, I just made things worse again, didn’t I?”
With that, Edward disappeared, and Bella, heartbroken, returned home and was even-more-emo-than-usual. Her dad was concerned.
“Bella, are you okay? You just sat in your chair without moving for four months.” He asked, fatherly.
“Ugh, dad, it was dramatic symbolism!” said Bella, striking a dramatically symbolic pose that she hoped would make him say that he now understands the depth of her sorrow, and sees now how Edward Cullen is a super-hunk, and that he will now buy all of his posters and life-size cardboard cutouts to decorate the den. But it didn’t.
“I think it’s time you got out of the house.”
“I am getting out of the house - I’m going shopping tonight as a girls night out,” and that is exactly what she did. If by ‘shopping’ you mean ‘find a Rowdy Biker Gang, and go for a crazy death ride - WITHOUT A HELMET, WHAT!’
Just as he had promised, a misty-floaty Edward Cullen appeared.
“Bella, stop - don’t do anything crazy.”
“Like hang around with vampires who have to use all their willpower to keep from constantly killing and eating me?”
“…Good point. But come on - at least we’re hot. You really want to die with this biker guy?”
“Good point. Let me off, creepy biker guy.”
“Okay.”
Safe again, Bella decided that if she was going to die on a motorcycle, she’d at least find somebody hot to die with, so she went to visit her old friend, Jacob the wolf boy.
“Hey, Bella. Listen, uh, now that you don’t have a vampire boyfriend, I was just wondering, um, what do you feel about werewolves?”
“First of all, I still have a vampire boyfriend - Edward will come back for me. Secondly, as far as werewolves go, I’m not into hairy guys.”
“Oh, werewolves are only hairy in wolf form - check this out. (takes off shirt) Pose. Pose. Flex flex pose.”
“Jacob, are you telling me you’re a werewolf?”
“Of course not, wink. ”
“Did you say ‘wink?’”
“Not at all, wink wink. Uh oh, my cell phone is ringing (“Hungry Like The Wolf”) hint hint hint hint hint”
“Yeah, I got it already.”
“No shirt!”
To make matters even more complicated, with Edward out of the picture, even human boys were making the moves on Bella.
“Hey, Bella, remember me? I’m a human boy. I was wondering if you want to go see a movie this weekend?”
“I dunno - what sorts of super powers do you have?”
“Super powers?”
“Yeah - super strength, super speed, shape-shifting…”
“I’m awkward… and tall.”
“Can I can bring my werewolf boyfriend?”
“Wait - you have a boyfriend?”
“I guess - not really. We’re listed on facebook as ‘its complicated.’”
“Oh. I guess that’s okay... I’ll see you at the movie. Wait, did you say werewolf?”
“I don’t think so.”
So Bella, Jacob, and whatever that other guy’s name is went to see Face Punch, a movie so violent that human boy had to leave in the middle to puke. And he thinks he can compete with a werewolf and a vampire? That’s cute.
While they waited for him to finish getting sick like a little girl, Jacob told Bella how he really felt.
“I have feelings, and they’re big, and they’re for you. And I promise I’ll never push you away like Edward did. I love you.”
“Don’t say that, you’ll ruin everything. But please leave, either. I know it’s not fair to you, but when I’m with you, I hurt less.”
“Did you say ‘shirtless?’”
“No. No, I didn’t.”
“Flex flex flex, flex flex flex, flex flex flex my pecs pecs pecs.”
“Put your shirt back on.”
“No.”
And then human boy came in and made things even more awkward, just like he promised.
“Hey guys, sorry about getting sick in there.” Said human boy, and then for some reason Jacob flipped out with wolf rage.
“Do you want to go to the hospital? Because if you do, I can put you there. Roar!”
“What’s wrong with you Jacob? Is it the full moon?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Because you’re a werewolf, and the full moon transforms you into wolf form?”
“Why would the full moon turn me into a wolf? No no, I turn into a wolf when I get angry.”
“That’s not a werewolf, that’s The Incredible Hulk.”
“Hulk and werewolves. Duh.”
“So the full moon doesn’t have any effect on you?”
“Not quite - on nights of the full moon, I turn sparkly like a diamond.”
“Somebody kill me already.”
“No, you’ve got to live.” - Ghost Edward
“FIGURE OF SPEECH!”
“Listen, Bella - these wolf powers of mine are becoming too strong, and I can’t control them forever. If you ever made me mad, I could kill you, and if I did that, I’d probably rip my shirt off with emotions, like this: raw, no shirt.”
“Jacob, I was just starting to fall in love with you - you said you’d never push me away!”
“I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my abs are.”
Sad and lonely once again, Bella returned to her habit of risking her life in order to see misty Edward visions. This time, she went up to a cliff where she had seen some other wolfboys cliffdiving, and plunged into the icy waters below. Unfortunately for her, she does not have super-human strength, and so the waves proved too much for her, and she drowned beneath the waves, and was smashed against the rocks, and also another evil vampire attacked her underwater, but then Jacob saved her. So, that was pretty lucky.
Once she was safe and dry again, Jacob drove her home (in her own truck, since Jacob doesn’t own a Volvo), where they were surprised to see the Cullen’s car out front, and Alice Cullen inside.
“Alice, what are you doing here? Is Edward here?” asked Bella, excited.
“No,” Alice explained, “Edward found out about your cliff diving stunt, but thinks you died! Now he’s gone to Italy to commit suicide.”
“Can you use your vampire psychic mind powers to let him know I’m alive?”
“No. And we can’t call his cell phone, because the international rates are outrageous. We’ll have to fly to Italy, steal a sweet sportscar, drive to the palace, race through crowds of snuggie-wearing Italians and hope we find Edward before noon, when he’ll step into the sun, and everyone will see his twinkly vampire skin.”
“Dude, I was already sold on being a vampire when I thought you had to stay in Forks. You can do all that other adventure stuff to?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I mean - awful, you’d hate it. Sooo bad, man, I hate it, ughhhh, I hate it so much. It’s so bad. Not… not good. Not good. Nosir.”
“Enough - let’s get to Italy to save my boyfriend!”
With the clock ticking down, Bella and Alice flew, drove, and ran as fast as they could through the streets of Volterra. As they raced, Edward slowly unbuttoned his shirt, and as the clock began to chime twelve, Edward stepped through the door into the blazing Italian sun. Just as the crowd began to turn and notice him, Bella thew him back into the shadows, and kissed him passionately. Awwwww.
But, the damage had been done, and the King of the Vampires demanded that they be brought before him. Together, Edward and Bella journeyed below the city into the ancient palace of the vampires, where the Volturi waited for them.
“Eeeee, Edward Cullen. And this is Bella Swan, the human who knows about vampires. Eeeeee. And you’re unaffected by all of our vampire powers, too? Eeeee.”
“Yeah, I think vampires are super awesome. And I’m totally on Team Edward.”
“Eeeeeven so! We can’t allow a human to know about our existence, so you’ll have to be killed. Either that, or become a vampire and be with the one you love for all of time, never aging, have super-human speed and strength, getting to live in a sweet mansion, flying jets and stealing sports cars, and all your wildest dreams will come true. Make your decision - painful death, or endless life of adventures and fun.”
“It’s awful - sooo bad.”
“Shoosh. I’ve made my decision - I’ll become a vampire.”
“Oh! Well, in that case you’re free to go. Good day. Eeeeee!”
And so, Bella and the Cullens returned to Forks, ready to turn Bella into a vampire. But before they did, Bella and Edward went into the woods for another Important Talk.
“Edward, why did you say those mean things to me in the woods before you left?”
“I had to say it so that you wouldn’t follow us. I thought I was doing what was best for you. And it worked in ‘Harry and the Hendersons.’”
“So you really do love me?”
“Of course I do, Bella. I’d rather die than live without you.”
“So come on and turn me into a vampire already, gosh.”
“Okay - I’ll turn you into a vampire. But I have one condition.”
“What is it?”
“Marry me.”
“Whoah - whoah. Whoah. I just want to spend eternity with you - marriage? Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”
“That’s my offer - take it or leave it.”
“Can I have some time to think it over?”
“Yes - you have until the next movie comes out.”
“Cooool.”
What will Bella decide? Will she marry Edward and become a vampire? Will she marry Jacob and raise a liter of wolf babies? Will Jacob keep his shirt on for five minutes already? To find out, tune in next time, in TwilightThe Broodening 3: Electric Brood-a-loo!
by Nathaniel Jones
It was a new year in the ever-grey town of Forks, Washington, and Bella Swan was having her 18th birthday, which makes it legal but still creepy for her to date a hundred and nine year old man.
To celebrate the occasion, all of her vampire friends got together to throw her a party.
“Yay, Bella, it’s your birthday. We all got your presents.”
“Except for me. I didn’t get you a present because you said you didn’t want any.”
“You’re a hundred and nine years, and you haven’t figured out that when a girl says she doesn’t want a present, that means she wants a really good present?”
“Taking a hint isn’t one of my vampire powers.”
“Never mind that now - I want to open my presents.”
As Bella unwrapped her first gift, tragedy struck - a small paper cut, which caused a single drop of blood to fall to the floor. All of the vampires turned to stare at it, driven wild by the smell of fresh human blood.
The temptation proved too great for Jasper’s vampire appetite, and he lunged for the miniscule wound, but before he could reach her, Edward used his super speed and super strength to protect Bella by hurling her onto a table full of razor blades, knives, and broken glass, which very helpfully caused her to bleed so much that everyone in the room suddenly want to kill her even more.
“You know, now that I think about it, I may have just made things worse?” Mused Edward plaintively.
But luckily, none of the vampires did end up killing her, because of reasons. And then the vampire that is a doctor stitched her up and she was good-as-new, but she and Edward left to avoid the awkward silence that always follows whenever party guests go crazy and try to eat the birthday girl.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a present.”
“It’s okay - I didn’t want that kind of present anyway. What I really want for my birthday is for you to turn me into a vampire so that we can be together forever.”
“Bella, I’ve already explained to you how awesome it is to be a vampire. Did I say ‘awesome?’ I meant to say terrible. It’s super terrible. The super terriblest of all things. It’s like, how much more terrible could it be? And the answer is none. None more terrible.”
“I know, but I’m already 18 - I’m practically an old maid. You need to make me a vampire, or we can’t stay together. And I’d rather die than not stay together, so if I’m going to die anyway, might as well kill me and make me a vampire, right? I mean, that’s just logic, right there.”
“I don’t want to live without you, either - if I thought I’d have to live in a world without you, I’d go to the royal family of vampires and have them kill me, because that’s the only way for a vampire to die.”
“No it’s - anyway, if you can’t stand to live without me, and I can’t stand to live without you, why don’t you just make me a vampire already?”
“I don’t remember. But no. Next topic: did you notice my new Volvo?”
“Argh.”
The next day, Bella and Edward went out to the woods, where Bella planned on continuing to whine about how much she wants to die and be a vampire, but before she could start, Edward made a Very Surprising Announcement:
“Bella, I’ve been thinking about what happened the other day, and I realized that it’s far too dangerous for us to be together. That, and people are starting to question how we all look like we’re in our twenties, but our IDs say we were born in the 1930s. So our whole family is leaving town, never to return again, until we do.”
“Wait - let me come with you!”
“No, Bella, you don’t belong with our kind. You belong with other humans. Go home, Bella.”
“No, Edward, I can’t! I can’t live without you!”
“Get out of here! Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore? Why don’t you go back where you came from? Leave us alone! Go! Go! “
“Why are you doing this? How can you leave me here, unprotected?”
“Don’t worry - I’ll still watch over you. Whenever you’re in danger, I’ll come back in the form of an Obi-Wan Kenobi style ghost!”
“So you’re saying that if I want to see you again, all I have to do is put myself into dangerous and life-threatening situations?”
“Yeah - I mean, no. Wait. Dangit, I just made things worse again, didn’t I?”
With that, Edward disappeared, and Bella, heartbroken, returned home and was even-more-emo-than-usual. Her dad was concerned.
“Bella, are you okay? You just sat in your chair without moving for four months.” He asked, fatherly.
“Ugh, dad, it was dramatic symbolism!” said Bella, striking a dramatically symbolic pose that she hoped would make him say that he now understands the depth of her sorrow, and sees now how Edward Cullen is a super-hunk, and that he will now buy all of his posters and life-size cardboard cutouts to decorate the den. But it didn’t.
“I think it’s time you got out of the house.”
“I am getting out of the house - I’m going shopping tonight as a girls night out,” and that is exactly what she did. If by ‘shopping’ you mean ‘find a Rowdy Biker Gang, and go for a crazy death ride - WITHOUT A HELMET, WHAT!’
Just as he had promised, a misty-floaty Edward Cullen appeared.
“Bella, stop - don’t do anything crazy.”
“Like hang around with vampires who have to use all their willpower to keep from constantly killing and eating me?”
“…Good point. But come on - at least we’re hot. You really want to die with this biker guy?”
“Good point. Let me off, creepy biker guy.”
“Okay.”
Safe again, Bella decided that if she was going to die on a motorcycle, she’d at least find somebody hot to die with, so she went to visit her old friend, Jacob the wolf boy.
“Hey, Bella. Listen, uh, now that you don’t have a vampire boyfriend, I was just wondering, um, what do you feel about werewolves?”
“First of all, I still have a vampire boyfriend - Edward will come back for me. Secondly, as far as werewolves go, I’m not into hairy guys.”
“Oh, werewolves are only hairy in wolf form - check this out. (takes off shirt) Pose. Pose. Flex flex pose.”
“Jacob, are you telling me you’re a werewolf?”
“Of course not, wink. ”
“Did you say ‘wink?’”
“Not at all, wink wink. Uh oh, my cell phone is ringing (“Hungry Like The Wolf”) hint hint hint hint hint”
“Yeah, I got it already.”
“No shirt!”
To make matters even more complicated, with Edward out of the picture, even human boys were making the moves on Bella.
“Hey, Bella, remember me? I’m a human boy. I was wondering if you want to go see a movie this weekend?”
“I dunno - what sorts of super powers do you have?”
“Super powers?”
“Yeah - super strength, super speed, shape-shifting…”
“I’m awkward… and tall.”
“Can I can bring my werewolf boyfriend?”
“Wait - you have a boyfriend?”
“I guess - not really. We’re listed on facebook as ‘its complicated.’”
“Oh. I guess that’s okay... I’ll see you at the movie. Wait, did you say werewolf?”
“I don’t think so.”
So Bella, Jacob, and whatever that other guy’s name is went to see Face Punch, a movie so violent that human boy had to leave in the middle to puke. And he thinks he can compete with a werewolf and a vampire? That’s cute.
While they waited for him to finish getting sick like a little girl, Jacob told Bella how he really felt.
“I have feelings, and they’re big, and they’re for you. And I promise I’ll never push you away like Edward did. I love you.”
“Don’t say that, you’ll ruin everything. But please leave, either. I know it’s not fair to you, but when I’m with you, I hurt less.”
“Did you say ‘shirtless?’”
“No. No, I didn’t.”
“Flex flex flex, flex flex flex, flex flex flex my pecs pecs pecs.”
“Put your shirt back on.”
“No.”
And then human boy came in and made things even more awkward, just like he promised.
“Hey guys, sorry about getting sick in there.” Said human boy, and then for some reason Jacob flipped out with wolf rage.
“Do you want to go to the hospital? Because if you do, I can put you there. Roar!”
“What’s wrong with you Jacob? Is it the full moon?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Because you’re a werewolf, and the full moon transforms you into wolf form?”
“Why would the full moon turn me into a wolf? No no, I turn into a wolf when I get angry.”
“That’s not a werewolf, that’s The Incredible Hulk.”
“Hulk and werewolves. Duh.”
“So the full moon doesn’t have any effect on you?”
“Not quite - on nights of the full moon, I turn sparkly like a diamond.”
“Somebody kill me already.”
“No, you’ve got to live.” - Ghost Edward
“FIGURE OF SPEECH!”
“Listen, Bella - these wolf powers of mine are becoming too strong, and I can’t control them forever. If you ever made me mad, I could kill you, and if I did that, I’d probably rip my shirt off with emotions, like this: raw, no shirt.”
“Jacob, I was just starting to fall in love with you - you said you’d never push me away!”
“I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my abs are.”
Sad and lonely once again, Bella returned to her habit of risking her life in order to see misty Edward visions. This time, she went up to a cliff where she had seen some other wolfboys cliffdiving, and plunged into the icy waters below. Unfortunately for her, she does not have super-human strength, and so the waves proved too much for her, and she drowned beneath the waves, and was smashed against the rocks, and also another evil vampire attacked her underwater, but then Jacob saved her. So, that was pretty lucky.
Once she was safe and dry again, Jacob drove her home (in her own truck, since Jacob doesn’t own a Volvo), where they were surprised to see the Cullen’s car out front, and Alice Cullen inside.
“Alice, what are you doing here? Is Edward here?” asked Bella, excited.
“No,” Alice explained, “Edward found out about your cliff diving stunt, but thinks you died! Now he’s gone to Italy to commit suicide.”
“Can you use your vampire psychic mind powers to let him know I’m alive?”
“No. And we can’t call his cell phone, because the international rates are outrageous. We’ll have to fly to Italy, steal a sweet sportscar, drive to the palace, race through crowds of snuggie-wearing Italians and hope we find Edward before noon, when he’ll step into the sun, and everyone will see his twinkly vampire skin.”
“Dude, I was already sold on being a vampire when I thought you had to stay in Forks. You can do all that other adventure stuff to?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I mean - awful, you’d hate it. Sooo bad, man, I hate it, ughhhh, I hate it so much. It’s so bad. Not… not good. Not good. Nosir.”
“Enough - let’s get to Italy to save my boyfriend!”
With the clock ticking down, Bella and Alice flew, drove, and ran as fast as they could through the streets of Volterra. As they raced, Edward slowly unbuttoned his shirt, and as the clock began to chime twelve, Edward stepped through the door into the blazing Italian sun. Just as the crowd began to turn and notice him, Bella thew him back into the shadows, and kissed him passionately. Awwwww.
But, the damage had been done, and the King of the Vampires demanded that they be brought before him. Together, Edward and Bella journeyed below the city into the ancient palace of the vampires, where the Volturi waited for them.
“Eeeee, Edward Cullen. And this is Bella Swan, the human who knows about vampires. Eeeeee. And you’re unaffected by all of our vampire powers, too? Eeeee.”
“Yeah, I think vampires are super awesome. And I’m totally on Team Edward.”
“Eeeeeven so! We can’t allow a human to know about our existence, so you’ll have to be killed. Either that, or become a vampire and be with the one you love for all of time, never aging, have super-human speed and strength, getting to live in a sweet mansion, flying jets and stealing sports cars, and all your wildest dreams will come true. Make your decision - painful death, or endless life of adventures and fun.”
“It’s awful - sooo bad.”
“Shoosh. I’ve made my decision - I’ll become a vampire.”
“Oh! Well, in that case you’re free to go. Good day. Eeeeee!”
And so, Bella and the Cullens returned to Forks, ready to turn Bella into a vampire. But before they did, Bella and Edward went into the woods for another Important Talk.
“Edward, why did you say those mean things to me in the woods before you left?”
“I had to say it so that you wouldn’t follow us. I thought I was doing what was best for you. And it worked in ‘Harry and the Hendersons.’”
“So you really do love me?”
“Of course I do, Bella. I’d rather die than live without you.”
“So come on and turn me into a vampire already, gosh.”
“Okay - I’ll turn you into a vampire. But I have one condition.”
“What is it?”
“Marry me.”
“Whoah - whoah. Whoah. I just want to spend eternity with you - marriage? Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”
“That’s my offer - take it or leave it.”
“Can I have some time to think it over?”
“Yes - you have until the next movie comes out.”
“Cooool.”
What will Bella decide? Will she marry Edward and become a vampire? Will she marry Jacob and raise a liter of wolf babies? Will Jacob keep his shirt on for five minutes already? To find out, tune in next time, in TwilightThe Broodening 3: Electric Brood-a-loo!