Don't be sad.
I had a strange though tonight. I felt as though I lead two lives. A life of day, where I'm a psyc lab worker, a guy who works out and likes classical music. And then theres the guy of night, who has a shit job, never sleeps, drinks too much and is a bit rough, cold, and unfriendly. I noted the different people I know via both of these lives. I note how they don't mesh very well. I note that my goals in both conflict very largely. I note that I'm not doing a very good job of juggling them. I wish things had been different, I wish they turned out different. I wish my life were busier being good so I wouldn't feel compelled to write in this stupid thing. I know the various people I purport to be confuse and destroy my attempts at being happy. I don't really know who I am sometimes, and I constantly wonder how people ever formulate opinions of me at all. I confound the problem by caring what they think at all.
And yet, forever, I only wish to have someone to be close to. Someone who doesn't care to judge and someone who puts me first. I guess I've gotten half of that, but, it isn't enough. I wonder some days if it'll ever be enough.
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.
~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Modern man is conditioned to expect instant gratification but any success or triumph realized quickly, with only marginal effort is necessarily shallow. Meaningful achievement takes time, hard work, persistence, patience, proper intent and constant self-awareness. The path to such success is punctuated by failure, consolidation and renewed effort. It is wet with the tears of emotional breakdown. Personal reconstruction is art. Discovering one's self, one's talent and ambition and learning how to express it is a creative process so may not be rushed. What's the hurry? Pressure to succeed according to a particular timeline comes from outside. If the goal is selfish self-improvement there is no schedule, no deadline. One's rate of progress is influenced by the intensity used to address the task. Hard, intelligent work speeds us along the path. Neurotic obsession and compulsion may steepen the trajectory but usually lead to illness and injury. In the end, the process takes as long as it takes -- you can't push the river.
And yet, forever, I only wish to have someone to be close to. Someone who doesn't care to judge and someone who puts me first. I guess I've gotten half of that, but, it isn't enough. I wonder some days if it'll ever be enough.
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.
~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Modern man is conditioned to expect instant gratification but any success or triumph realized quickly, with only marginal effort is necessarily shallow. Meaningful achievement takes time, hard work, persistence, patience, proper intent and constant self-awareness. The path to such success is punctuated by failure, consolidation and renewed effort. It is wet with the tears of emotional breakdown. Personal reconstruction is art. Discovering one's self, one's talent and ambition and learning how to express it is a creative process so may not be rushed. What's the hurry? Pressure to succeed according to a particular timeline comes from outside. If the goal is selfish self-improvement there is no schedule, no deadline. One's rate of progress is influenced by the intensity used to address the task. Hard, intelligent work speeds us along the path. Neurotic obsession and compulsion may steepen the trajectory but usually lead to illness and injury. In the end, the process takes as long as it takes -- you can't push the river.