commentary: "The World, Upside Down"
yhlee asked for commentary on the Faith/Buffy fic/ficlet/poem I wrote for Fireworks, The World, Upside Down.
[BtVS. Faith/Buffy. "Who Are You?" NC-17. Map. 191 words]
When I wrote for Fireworks, I'd copy-and-paste the prompt into the comment header first, then started writing, then, about two or three sentences or paragraphs in, I decided whether it was a keeper or not. There are a lot of discarded plotbunnies that weren't getting smutty fast enough or that weren't exciting to me anymore in a discard file in NoteTab.
Usually, I went looking for a particular pairing I was inspired to write, then chose a prompt to suit a minimalist plotbunny I already had. Sometimes there wasn't one that was appropriate, so I fudged.
This, however, was the first ficlet I wrote or tried to write for Fireworks. It was the first morning, I suppose, and I didn't have work, and I had just watched "Who Are You?" because I'd slipped that disc in to see if I couldn't get a good cap of Willow orgasming to caption "femslash is foreplay froplay." I ended up watching the whole episode, and "Superstar," and of course, the bath scene in "Who Are You?" inspired this fic, in the sense that I said, "I want to write Faith-masturbates-Buffy's-body fic. Which prompt can I use?"
There were a handful of Buffy/Faith prompts; I picked "map" because of the images that immediately suggested themselves.
The World, Upside Down
I suppose the title came last, but it came pretty easily -- as did all my Fireworks titles, remarkably, given how much I usually hate titling. This title: the world is Buffy's body; Buffy's body is the whole world; Buffy's body is all that's important; Buffy is Faith's world. Moreover, the world, upside down, because, of course, reversal. Hopefully more than just the literal one. Faith's whole world spinning out of control.
This is not a short story. It's not really even prose. It is... not Faith's voice, as was pointed out to me, but it is, I hope, Faith, in some real sense, not just the obvious (i.e., as many commenters mentioned, of course Faith did this in the bath. Of course. But moreover, I think this is how she did it. [/apology]
The first thing she does, fizzy, dizzy in the new body (Buffy's) is:
It is not literally the first thing she does, of course, but it's the moment that she takes to adapt herself to the body. It's significant that it's first. (Buffy is always first; Buffy is the world.) I couldn't resist the rhyme. I never can. Dizzy in the new body, I like. "the new body (Buffy's)" orients both the reader and Faith. "The new body" distances Faith from Buffy, from what she's done, from the act she's committed. This is just a new body (but not yet her new body), but Faith keeps coming back to the significance. She can't escape the body, Buffy's. (She cannot, ultimately, escape her own body.) I like the colon. Punctuation makes me happy.
she sinks into the bubble bath and explores.
Thus, the central metaphor and the orienting image.
She says (to herself, the only girl listening)
Buffy, not listening, because Buffy never listens to Faith and because Faith thinks she's the only girl in the room, that this is all about her and a solo act and is trying to ignore, still, the implications.
this is wrong, this is rape,
This was discussed, though not by me, in the comments. My thoughts were this: the word "rape" would suggest itself, obviously, I think. Faith wants to think of herself as a bad person, or rather, an amoral person, above words like "rape" and "murder," defines herself as a bad girl, who wants to be okay with being a murderer (a rapist). She wants to think it's Buffy's voice that says that would be wrong. "Rape" is a word game Faith is playing, trying to get herself into a mental place where she's satisfied, restful, can stop thinking about what she's done because it is easy and simple to say that she is a bad person, who does bad things, and this thing she is doing is just another bad thing, the worst bad thing, the evilest deed. Because cheerless as that is, it's easier than understanding what else this might mean.
this is the ultimate control, this is Faith and Buffy's body, just as she always wanted, yielding, arching, meeting Faith's fingers with her aching thighs.
Faith is all about control. Faith and Buffy's body. And not Faith's body and not Buffy herself. I think Faith finds it easier to deal with her attraction to Buffy as a physical thing and not think on the emotional implications. She wants this moment to be a satisfying culmination. What's delicious about this moment: "meeting Faith's fingers with her aching thighs." Faith is both active and passive, can actually feel the ache of Buffy's thighs (literally, as they're her thighs); she is both parts of the sexual equation. Buffy's body yields to Faith; Faith can feel her(self) arching up.
She tells herself, sighing into the foamy heat, that Buffy's what she always wanted, just like this, bubbles tickling her spine, the unexpected gasp when she touches her own breast, the wrong size, the wrong shape.
Buffy is what she always wanted, but not like this, because Faith wants Buffy's consent and Buffy's respect and Buffy's approval. Sensory detail, sensory detail. Buffy's body can surprise Faith; there's something personal about masturbation that Faith is impinging on; Buffy's breast is not what she expects when she puts her hand there. She can make herself gasp and not know it. That's what she wants -- Buffy's surprise. Buffy's pleasure.
She laughs at herself and digs her fingers in, learning the route into Buffy's cunt from her clit, mapping the way, even though, of course, she'll never come this route again, not when the body's Buffy's, not --
There is the inspiration word. Faith already knows she has to go back; she knows her escape plans will inevitably fall apart, but Faith learns, knowing and not knowing the goal. In a literal sense, she never will come this route again, from this angle, this end up. The world rights itself; what has Faith really learned?
she's not preparing for some future seduction, not --
But she can't stop thinking about those future seductions, whether living in Buffy's body has prepared her, whether this knowledge will help her. As she reaches orgasm her denials become incoherent and --
she's not expecting to return like any explorer, intoxicated by this new, native, virgin land,
I love the idea of explorers. This new land (this new body), this native land: Buffy's native land, not Faith's, but this land feels like a native land, a place people live, not a place that is merely inhabited. I am in love with the idea of homelands. I imagine Faith not at home in her body, not at home in any place, trying on Buffy's body as a new homeland, but it doesn't fit. Virgin. Unexplored. Buffy isn't a virgin and her hymen isn't intact, BUT multiple virginities, and this is Faith's first time in Buffy's body. Buffy's first time with a woman would be with Faith. In a way this is Buffy's first time with a woman. (I wonder if Faith thinks Buffy masturbates?)
she's not, she's just having a little fun in Buffy's body before it's hers (hers), before it's hers, for keeps.
Faith wants to think everything she does is just fun, nothing serious, nothing significant. But it all signifies. Repeated hers. Which her? The first hers means Faith's, I think. The one in parentheses means (to me), a reminder that this is Buffy's body, hers, hers, the only her who matters to Faith. She's nearing climax. And the last "hers" is the insistence, Faith's final plea, staking her claim on the body, hers for keeps. (And, in learning, mapping, exploring this body, she is staking a claim; she can never not know these things that she's learned of Buffy's body.)
The first thing she does, dizzied, is: she makes Buffy come.
And the first line comes back to us. This is the first thing she does. The first thing this new creature who is Faith-in-Buffy's-body does, is, she makes Buffy come. This is Faith who is in control. She can make Buffy do anything. She can make her come (reach orgasm), make her come (come hither), she can control her; she literally owns her body.
Aaaand that's my reading of the piece. I hope yours is different. :) (But not too different.)
[BtVS. Faith/Buffy. "Who Are You?" NC-17. Map. 191 words]
When I wrote for Fireworks, I'd copy-and-paste the prompt into the comment header first, then started writing, then, about two or three sentences or paragraphs in, I decided whether it was a keeper or not. There are a lot of discarded plotbunnies that weren't getting smutty fast enough or that weren't exciting to me anymore in a discard file in NoteTab.
Usually, I went looking for a particular pairing I was inspired to write, then chose a prompt to suit a minimalist plotbunny I already had. Sometimes there wasn't one that was appropriate, so I fudged.
This, however, was the first ficlet I wrote or tried to write for Fireworks. It was the first morning, I suppose, and I didn't have work, and I had just watched "Who Are You?" because I'd slipped that disc in to see if I couldn't get a good cap of Willow orgasming to caption "femslash is foreplay froplay." I ended up watching the whole episode, and "Superstar," and of course, the bath scene in "Who Are You?" inspired this fic, in the sense that I said, "I want to write Faith-masturbates-Buffy's-body fic. Which prompt can I use?"
There were a handful of Buffy/Faith prompts; I picked "map" because of the images that immediately suggested themselves.
The World, Upside Down
I suppose the title came last, but it came pretty easily -- as did all my Fireworks titles, remarkably, given how much I usually hate titling. This title: the world is Buffy's body; Buffy's body is the whole world; Buffy's body is all that's important; Buffy is Faith's world. Moreover, the world, upside down, because, of course, reversal. Hopefully more than just the literal one. Faith's whole world spinning out of control.
This is not a short story. It's not really even prose. It is... not Faith's voice, as was pointed out to me, but it is, I hope, Faith, in some real sense, not just the obvious (i.e., as many commenters mentioned, of course Faith did this in the bath. Of course. But moreover, I think this is how she did it. [/apology]
The first thing she does, fizzy, dizzy in the new body (Buffy's) is:
It is not literally the first thing she does, of course, but it's the moment that she takes to adapt herself to the body. It's significant that it's first. (Buffy is always first; Buffy is the world.) I couldn't resist the rhyme. I never can. Dizzy in the new body, I like. "the new body (Buffy's)" orients both the reader and Faith. "The new body" distances Faith from Buffy, from what she's done, from the act she's committed. This is just a new body (but not yet her new body), but Faith keeps coming back to the significance. She can't escape the body, Buffy's. (She cannot, ultimately, escape her own body.) I like the colon. Punctuation makes me happy.
she sinks into the bubble bath and explores.
Thus, the central metaphor and the orienting image.
She says (to herself, the only girl listening)
Buffy, not listening, because Buffy never listens to Faith and because Faith thinks she's the only girl in the room, that this is all about her and a solo act and is trying to ignore, still, the implications.
this is wrong, this is rape,
This was discussed, though not by me, in the comments. My thoughts were this: the word "rape" would suggest itself, obviously, I think. Faith wants to think of herself as a bad person, or rather, an amoral person, above words like "rape" and "murder," defines herself as a bad girl, who wants to be okay with being a murderer (a rapist). She wants to think it's Buffy's voice that says that would be wrong. "Rape" is a word game Faith is playing, trying to get herself into a mental place where she's satisfied, restful, can stop thinking about what she's done because it is easy and simple to say that she is a bad person, who does bad things, and this thing she is doing is just another bad thing, the worst bad thing, the evilest deed. Because cheerless as that is, it's easier than understanding what else this might mean.
this is the ultimate control, this is Faith and Buffy's body, just as she always wanted, yielding, arching, meeting Faith's fingers with her aching thighs.
Faith is all about control. Faith and Buffy's body. And not Faith's body and not Buffy herself. I think Faith finds it easier to deal with her attraction to Buffy as a physical thing and not think on the emotional implications. She wants this moment to be a satisfying culmination. What's delicious about this moment: "meeting Faith's fingers with her aching thighs." Faith is both active and passive, can actually feel the ache of Buffy's thighs (literally, as they're her thighs); she is both parts of the sexual equation. Buffy's body yields to Faith; Faith can feel her(self) arching up.
She tells herself, sighing into the foamy heat, that Buffy's what she always wanted, just like this, bubbles tickling her spine, the unexpected gasp when she touches her own breast, the wrong size, the wrong shape.
Buffy is what she always wanted, but not like this, because Faith wants Buffy's consent and Buffy's respect and Buffy's approval. Sensory detail, sensory detail. Buffy's body can surprise Faith; there's something personal about masturbation that Faith is impinging on; Buffy's breast is not what she expects when she puts her hand there. She can make herself gasp and not know it. That's what she wants -- Buffy's surprise. Buffy's pleasure.
She laughs at herself and digs her fingers in, learning the route into Buffy's cunt from her clit, mapping the way, even though, of course, she'll never come this route again, not when the body's Buffy's, not --
There is the inspiration word. Faith already knows she has to go back; she knows her escape plans will inevitably fall apart, but Faith learns, knowing and not knowing the goal. In a literal sense, she never will come this route again, from this angle, this end up. The world rights itself; what has Faith really learned?
she's not preparing for some future seduction, not --
But she can't stop thinking about those future seductions, whether living in Buffy's body has prepared her, whether this knowledge will help her. As she reaches orgasm her denials become incoherent and --
she's not expecting to return like any explorer, intoxicated by this new, native, virgin land,
I love the idea of explorers. This new land (this new body), this native land: Buffy's native land, not Faith's, but this land feels like a native land, a place people live, not a place that is merely inhabited. I am in love with the idea of homelands. I imagine Faith not at home in her body, not at home in any place, trying on Buffy's body as a new homeland, but it doesn't fit. Virgin. Unexplored. Buffy isn't a virgin and her hymen isn't intact, BUT multiple virginities, and this is Faith's first time in Buffy's body. Buffy's first time with a woman would be with Faith. In a way this is Buffy's first time with a woman. (I wonder if Faith thinks Buffy masturbates?)
she's not, she's just having a little fun in Buffy's body before it's hers (hers), before it's hers, for keeps.
Faith wants to think everything she does is just fun, nothing serious, nothing significant. But it all signifies. Repeated hers. Which her? The first hers means Faith's, I think. The one in parentheses means (to me), a reminder that this is Buffy's body, hers, hers, the only her who matters to Faith. She's nearing climax. And the last "hers" is the insistence, Faith's final plea, staking her claim on the body, hers for keeps. (And, in learning, mapping, exploring this body, she is staking a claim; she can never not know these things that she's learned of Buffy's body.)
The first thing she does, dizzied, is: she makes Buffy come.
And the first line comes back to us. This is the first thing she does. The first thing this new creature who is Faith-in-Buffy's-body does, is, she makes Buffy come. This is Faith who is in control. She can make Buffy do anything. She can make her come (reach orgasm), make her come (come hither), she can control her; she literally owns her body.
Aaaand that's my reading of the piece. I hope yours is different. :) (But not too different.)