sigh; goodbye sweet Virginia
I dreamed about QAF. Brian/Justin? A character named Derek who was a bastard? And Willow and Tara were there. Now I know that's not right. And for the record, no, I've never actually seen QAF. Obviously.
I emptied out my Juno webmail account, finally, so we have 2 megabytes with which to play. (Darn you, sage_theory, now I can't type that without thinking of TP.)
I got a note from the registrar's office explaining the whole full-time student thing to the Federal Court at Boston.
Finally watching the Dark Angel vids I found yesterday. All three of them. Max/Logan so pretty. Ignoring the music, which is blah, just watching the 'ship. SQUEE! Must upload Max/Logan at some point.
I'm leaving in an hour.
I've been thinking about identity a lot lately. Particularly, I've been thinking about how much my identity has changed since I came here. All my identity markers are just gone. Bookworm. Religion. Adult obsession. I'm not that girl anymore.
I don't even know who I am. I am Max sitting on the top of the Space Needle. *minimizes vid, as she thinks she might be getting spoiled* Erm, yeah. Since I think I'd probably remember every single fucking time they kissed, I'm guessing I'm getting spoiled. *watches a different vid* A bit fanatical about avoiding spoilers? Me?
Anyhow. I have virtually no idea who I am. It's all gone away, it's all changed. I'm all changed, and I hate change. And I hate not feeling comfortable in my own skin. And She used to say that I was so calm and serene. She kissed the top of my head and said "Thank you," and "You're so calm. How do you do it?" I was fourteen.
I'm eighteen and have panic attacks on a daily basis over school and over... everything.
I've been thinking about missing people. About Jeane and about the ministerpeople. I've been thinking about how my life might be different if Jeane hadn't died. Because Jeane died the week before I went to Prospective Students' Overnight at PEG. And if she hadn't died, maybe I'd have gone to PEG a year earlier. Or maybe not at all.
And if that had happened, the world would be different. The world would be so utterly different that I couldn't even identify it. Everything important happened after Jeane died. We found Sean's mommy, and then I joined N9, and if I'd gone to PEG a year earlier, that never would have happened, and I never would have met Sumita. And if it hadn't been for N9, I wouldn't have needed a new messageboard, so I never would have joined QT. And then I never would have gotten a LiveJournal or met half of you people.
And if I'd gone to PEG a year early, I probably wouldn't have met Pome* and possibly not Gvambat, either, and maybe Gvambat and I would never have lived together. And if I'd never broken up with Pome*, which wouldn't have happened if I'd never gone out with her, then I wouldn't have gone insane and needed Stargate, and then there wouldn't have been the goodness that emerged because of that.
You know?
It would all be different.
And I have been thinking about the ministerpeople. It's not that I miss them (though I do.) It's... I'll never forgive them. They never gave me the chance to forgive them, because they simply vanished. They were there in May, and four months later they were gone, and I never said goodbye. Will that thought haunt me for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to think about them without feeling that something is unfinished? That something precious is gone and I should have gotten some closure but I didn't? And I love them. And I hate them. And I need them. And I hate knowing that.
They're going to hire a new minister at St. John's while I'm away. I'm crossing my toes. I'm hoping for young and queer and pretty and ministerpersonish. I think that's probably a bit much to ask, though.
Barring that, I hope she's nice. I hope she makes me remember why it is that I used to love going to church.
I think I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I no longer wake up for church every week because I truly want to go. I miss Old First and I miss the ministerpeople and I miss feeling holy and I miss church making my week feel complete and centered and like there was a purpose to all of it.
I wish I felt like it were really Christmas. I wish I were going to see you this Christmas.
I'm just in a needy mood right now.
Leaving in half an hour for Christmas break.
I emptied out my Juno webmail account, finally, so we have 2 megabytes with which to play. (Darn you, sage_theory, now I can't type that without thinking of TP.)
I got a note from the registrar's office explaining the whole full-time student thing to the Federal Court at Boston.
Finally watching the Dark Angel vids I found yesterday. All three of them. Max/Logan so pretty. Ignoring the music, which is blah, just watching the 'ship. SQUEE! Must upload Max/Logan at some point.
I'm leaving in an hour.
I've been thinking about identity a lot lately. Particularly, I've been thinking about how much my identity has changed since I came here. All my identity markers are just gone. Bookworm. Religion. Adult obsession. I'm not that girl anymore.
I don't even know who I am. I am Max sitting on the top of the Space Needle. *minimizes vid, as she thinks she might be getting spoiled* Erm, yeah. Since I think I'd probably remember every single fucking time they kissed, I'm guessing I'm getting spoiled. *watches a different vid* A bit fanatical about avoiding spoilers? Me?
Anyhow. I have virtually no idea who I am. It's all gone away, it's all changed. I'm all changed, and I hate change. And I hate not feeling comfortable in my own skin. And She used to say that I was so calm and serene. She kissed the top of my head and said "Thank you," and "You're so calm. How do you do it?" I was fourteen.
I'm eighteen and have panic attacks on a daily basis over school and over... everything.
I've been thinking about missing people. About Jeane and about the ministerpeople. I've been thinking about how my life might be different if Jeane hadn't died. Because Jeane died the week before I went to Prospective Students' Overnight at PEG. And if she hadn't died, maybe I'd have gone to PEG a year earlier. Or maybe not at all.
And if that had happened, the world would be different. The world would be so utterly different that I couldn't even identify it. Everything important happened after Jeane died. We found Sean's mommy, and then I joined N9, and if I'd gone to PEG a year earlier, that never would have happened, and I never would have met Sumita. And if it hadn't been for N9, I wouldn't have needed a new messageboard, so I never would have joined QT. And then I never would have gotten a LiveJournal or met half of you people.
And if I'd gone to PEG a year early, I probably wouldn't have met Pome* and possibly not Gvambat, either, and maybe Gvambat and I would never have lived together. And if I'd never broken up with Pome*, which wouldn't have happened if I'd never gone out with her, then I wouldn't have gone insane and needed Stargate, and then there wouldn't have been the goodness that emerged because of that.
You know?
It would all be different.
And I have been thinking about the ministerpeople. It's not that I miss them (though I do.) It's... I'll never forgive them. They never gave me the chance to forgive them, because they simply vanished. They were there in May, and four months later they were gone, and I never said goodbye. Will that thought haunt me for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to think about them without feeling that something is unfinished? That something precious is gone and I should have gotten some closure but I didn't? And I love them. And I hate them. And I need them. And I hate knowing that.
They're going to hire a new minister at St. John's while I'm away. I'm crossing my toes. I'm hoping for young and queer and pretty and ministerpersonish. I think that's probably a bit much to ask, though.
Barring that, I hope she's nice. I hope she makes me remember why it is that I used to love going to church.
I think I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I no longer wake up for church every week because I truly want to go. I miss Old First and I miss the ministerpeople and I miss feeling holy and I miss church making my week feel complete and centered and like there was a purpose to all of it.
I wish I felt like it were really Christmas. I wish I were going to see you this Christmas.
I'm just in a needy mood right now.
Leaving in half an hour for Christmas break.