baseball and sexuality with a seamless segue
You know, I was planning on telling you this on National Coming Out Day, but it slipped my mind. As did National Coming Out Day, in fact.
I have a secret.
I haven't told you.
I'm a Red Sox fan.
I mean, I really am. I don't like baseball all that much, I would be totally bored sitting through a game, but I actually care so much that I've been on MLB every day to see how we did. I care. I care a lot. I care enough that I'll be disappointed if we loose and elated if we win the pennant, and I care enough that I think of them as "we."
I'm a sad, sad Red Sox fan, which is somewhat akin to being a sad, sad slasher, only involves less naked men.
But the real point of my National Coming Out Day was this big, personal rant about sexuality. And I wanted to let you all know that my officially sexuality is currently Secretly Bisexual.
Now, first, I want to say I mean no disrespect to those of you who've always identified as bi, omni, or pansexual. Seriously. I understand now. I actually bloody understand.
So this is what I think. I think I still, after all these, years, don't understand myself. I've been out since I was 14, identified as gay since 12 or 13, first crush at 12, first girlfriend at 16, yadda yadda. I am the poster child for self-awareness. But what I don't get is why there was never a period where I assumed I was straight. Doesn't everyone have one of those periods? I was 10 or so when my dad asked me if I thought I might be lesbian and I said, "I don't know yet. I'm too young." Ten. That makes no sense to me. It's not the pattern I was supposed to follow.
And then there's this thing. I don't really think that "female" is really the most important identifier for the people I've fallen for. "Adults," for most of my middle and high school career, and after that "best friends." Meaning not just "we were friends first," but "We are best friends who also happen to be something more."
That's it. Those are my two paradigms. Playing with power situations and looking for a surrogate mother in adult women who are usually in positions of authority, and having really intense best friendships that then turn romantic and/or sexual.
"Who doesn't obsess over the cute guy or girl in the back of the classroom?" I don't. I never did. I don't really understand that mentality. I also don't understand "dating." I understand having a best friend and then becoming that person's lover. I understand how a friendship can expand and grow into a romance. What I don't understand is how you can find someone physically attractive and not know hir and not have any sort of relationship with hir already and want it to be "romantic" whatever that means.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that paradigm, I'm just saying it confuses me to no end. I simply don't understand how it works. I would say that it's an emotion vs. sex thing, but I would imagine I'm a lot more sexually aware than a lot of straight girls, and I don't think of myself as prudish or inhibited. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm a lot less in tune with my body than I'd like to think. But I don't think that's it.
Of course, I had to think of this in terms of fandom. I know false dichotomies are bad, but I'm going to attempt to put all 'ships into four basic categories based on how they're portrayed in canon:
1) Love-hate. Jack/Harry, John/Scorpius, Buffy/Faith. In canon, they're enemies or reluctant partners. The basic dynamic is obsession with another person that's intense, pure and simple. The assumption is that strong emotion can easily change from loathing into sexual passion. I don't really understand this personally, but it's just so damned interesting.
2) Power differentials. Skinner/Mulder, Snape/Harry, Frodo/Sam, Scorpius/Braca. In canon, one is in position of obvious authority over the other. Obviously, all relationships have power dynamics, but when one person is in a position with of authority over another (whether because of profession, age, or social class), we get ships that toy with power. This is my personal kink, which is different from my personal preference. I think this is the sort of thing that's sexy in fantasy and fic but doesn't work in reality.
3) Romantic. John/Aeryn, Aragorn/Arwen, Willow/Tara, Daniel/Sha're. In canon, they're a couple. This is the kind of ship I don't really understand, the love at first sight, or at least, attraction at first sight followed by UST, wooing, sex, or marriage (depending on the local customs and the opinions of the powers that be on what would make for an interesting dynamic.
4) (Best) Friends: Just about everything else. Jack/Daniel, Daniel/Sam, John/Chiana, Merry/Pippin, any HP trio ship. In canon, they're friends. In fanfic, they're friends who realize they're in love. I understand this, identify with this, eat this up, form my OTPs around this concept.
I would categorize twincest as "best friends," and parent/childcest as "power differential."
Now, some of the best ships are portrayed in canon as "best friends who become romantic." I'd say that Josh/Cher is such a ship; even though Cher would never dream of calling Josh a friend, he's a brother-type, and that brings us to siblingcest, which, depending on age difference, can be either friendship or power differential. In this case, it's friendship (or friendship-like.) This is one of my favorite ships.
I think that if JKR ships Ron/Hermione (or Harry/Hermione, or, God help us all, Harry/Ron) , she'll have pulled this dynamic off successfully, and it will make sense to me.
Harry/Cho doesn't make sense because it's clearly in category 3--romantic.
So what about the ubiquitous Jack/Sam? Well, on the surface, it should be a type 2, power differential or a type 2, romantic. But the ship is almost always written as type 3, and they tried to make it a type 3, subtype UST in canon, and so for me, it made. no. sense. UST based on nothing more than UST doesn't fit into my subjective experience of reality.
I think I might have finally figured out why Jack/Sam doesn't stir my coffee.
But what about canonical romantic ships that do make sense to me? What about Max/Logan and John/Aeryn? Max/Logan really has components of all four types, and it plays like a mild love-hate that turns into friendship that is tinged with romance, all of which make sense to me as tropes of cross-genre fiction. Oddly enough, even though I can't recall any instances of having a friendship that started out as mutual loathing, but I can believe that it happens because it's part of the culture, whereas the same really can't be said for this whole romantic paradigm.
John/Aeryn might be an exception to my strictly anti-romance stance. It's also got elements of love-hate during S1, though, which might redeem it.
And besides, if I think of it as a fascinating and deeply disturbed relationship, well, that makes it even better.
Sorry, brief diversion into the realm of fandom. I couldn't resist. The thing that worries me about this tendency of mine is that I'm going to end up ruining or at the very least changing every perfectly good friendship I ever have by making it romantic. I'm worried that I won't have anyone who always Understands and Knows What I Mean to whom I can bitch about relationships, because whoever it is who Understands and Knows What I Mean will in short order be the person with whom I am in a relationship.
This starts me cycling back through the exes and using them as confidantes simply because I will otherwise explode with holding everything inside and having no one to squee to when things are going well. You know? So I have this friendship that is wonderful and self-contained and the only thing I need to make me happy, and then I fall in love. Then suddenly the friendship which is fast becoming a friendship with romance attached is no longer the only thing I need to make me happy because I need someone outside the relationship to talk to about the relationship.
It's best to have exes serving this function, as otherwise one ends up falling in love with the new confidante, and the cycle begins again, this time with extra drama on account of infidelity.
Note to self: don't get a new best friend.
I have a secret.
I haven't told you.
I'm a Red Sox fan.
I mean, I really am. I don't like baseball all that much, I would be totally bored sitting through a game, but I actually care so much that I've been on MLB every day to see how we did. I care. I care a lot. I care enough that I'll be disappointed if we loose and elated if we win the pennant, and I care enough that I think of them as "we."
I'm a sad, sad Red Sox fan, which is somewhat akin to being a sad, sad slasher, only involves less naked men.
But the real point of my National Coming Out Day was this big, personal rant about sexuality. And I wanted to let you all know that my officially sexuality is currently Secretly Bisexual.
Now, first, I want to say I mean no disrespect to those of you who've always identified as bi, omni, or pansexual. Seriously. I understand now. I actually bloody understand.
So this is what I think. I think I still, after all these, years, don't understand myself. I've been out since I was 14, identified as gay since 12 or 13, first crush at 12, first girlfriend at 16, yadda yadda. I am the poster child for self-awareness. But what I don't get is why there was never a period where I assumed I was straight. Doesn't everyone have one of those periods? I was 10 or so when my dad asked me if I thought I might be lesbian and I said, "I don't know yet. I'm too young." Ten. That makes no sense to me. It's not the pattern I was supposed to follow.
And then there's this thing. I don't really think that "female" is really the most important identifier for the people I've fallen for. "Adults," for most of my middle and high school career, and after that "best friends." Meaning not just "we were friends first," but "We are best friends who also happen to be something more."
That's it. Those are my two paradigms. Playing with power situations and looking for a surrogate mother in adult women who are usually in positions of authority, and having really intense best friendships that then turn romantic and/or sexual.
"Who doesn't obsess over the cute guy or girl in the back of the classroom?" I don't. I never did. I don't really understand that mentality. I also don't understand "dating." I understand having a best friend and then becoming that person's lover. I understand how a friendship can expand and grow into a romance. What I don't understand is how you can find someone physically attractive and not know hir and not have any sort of relationship with hir already and want it to be "romantic" whatever that means.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that paradigm, I'm just saying it confuses me to no end. I simply don't understand how it works. I would say that it's an emotion vs. sex thing, but I would imagine I'm a lot more sexually aware than a lot of straight girls, and I don't think of myself as prudish or inhibited. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm a lot less in tune with my body than I'd like to think. But I don't think that's it.
Of course, I had to think of this in terms of fandom. I know false dichotomies are bad, but I'm going to attempt to put all 'ships into four basic categories based on how they're portrayed in canon:
1) Love-hate. Jack/Harry, John/Scorpius, Buffy/Faith. In canon, they're enemies or reluctant partners. The basic dynamic is obsession with another person that's intense, pure and simple. The assumption is that strong emotion can easily change from loathing into sexual passion. I don't really understand this personally, but it's just so damned interesting.
2) Power differentials. Skinner/Mulder, Snape/Harry, Frodo/Sam, Scorpius/Braca. In canon, one is in position of obvious authority over the other. Obviously, all relationships have power dynamics, but when one person is in a position with of authority over another (whether because of profession, age, or social class), we get ships that toy with power. This is my personal kink, which is different from my personal preference. I think this is the sort of thing that's sexy in fantasy and fic but doesn't work in reality.
3) Romantic. John/Aeryn, Aragorn/Arwen, Willow/Tara, Daniel/Sha're. In canon, they're a couple. This is the kind of ship I don't really understand, the love at first sight, or at least, attraction at first sight followed by UST, wooing, sex, or marriage (depending on the local customs and the opinions of the powers that be on what would make for an interesting dynamic.
4) (Best) Friends: Just about everything else. Jack/Daniel, Daniel/Sam, John/Chiana, Merry/Pippin, any HP trio ship. In canon, they're friends. In fanfic, they're friends who realize they're in love. I understand this, identify with this, eat this up, form my OTPs around this concept.
I would categorize twincest as "best friends," and parent/childcest as "power differential."
Now, some of the best ships are portrayed in canon as "best friends who become romantic." I'd say that Josh/Cher is such a ship; even though Cher would never dream of calling Josh a friend, he's a brother-type, and that brings us to siblingcest, which, depending on age difference, can be either friendship or power differential. In this case, it's friendship (or friendship-like.) This is one of my favorite ships.
I think that if JKR ships Ron/Hermione (or Harry/Hermione, or, God help us all, Harry/Ron) , she'll have pulled this dynamic off successfully, and it will make sense to me.
Harry/Cho doesn't make sense because it's clearly in category 3--romantic.
So what about the ubiquitous Jack/Sam? Well, on the surface, it should be a type 2, power differential or a type 2, romantic. But the ship is almost always written as type 3, and they tried to make it a type 3, subtype UST in canon, and so for me, it made. no. sense. UST based on nothing more than UST doesn't fit into my subjective experience of reality.
I think I might have finally figured out why Jack/Sam doesn't stir my coffee.
But what about canonical romantic ships that do make sense to me? What about Max/Logan and John/Aeryn? Max/Logan really has components of all four types, and it plays like a mild love-hate that turns into friendship that is tinged with romance, all of which make sense to me as tropes of cross-genre fiction. Oddly enough, even though I can't recall any instances of having a friendship that started out as mutual loathing, but I can believe that it happens because it's part of the culture, whereas the same really can't be said for this whole romantic paradigm.
John/Aeryn might be an exception to my strictly anti-romance stance. It's also got elements of love-hate during S1, though, which might redeem it.
And besides, if I think of it as a fascinating and deeply disturbed relationship, well, that makes it even better.
Sorry, brief diversion into the realm of fandom. I couldn't resist. The thing that worries me about this tendency of mine is that I'm going to end up ruining or at the very least changing every perfectly good friendship I ever have by making it romantic. I'm worried that I won't have anyone who always Understands and Knows What I Mean to whom I can bitch about relationships, because whoever it is who Understands and Knows What I Mean will in short order be the person with whom I am in a relationship.
This starts me cycling back through the exes and using them as confidantes simply because I will otherwise explode with holding everything inside and having no one to squee to when things are going well. You know? So I have this friendship that is wonderful and self-contained and the only thing I need to make me happy, and then I fall in love. Then suddenly the friendship which is fast becoming a friendship with romance attached is no longer the only thing I need to make me happy because I need someone outside the relationship to talk to about the relationship.
It's best to have exes serving this function, as otherwise one ends up falling in love with the new confidante, and the cycle begins again, this time with extra drama on account of infidelity.
Note to self: don't get a new best friend.