On parenting concern
We (for the value of we that is my partner) took Baz to the dentist today. The verdict is that he needs orthodontia (not surprising), and he has caused himself some pretty significant gum recession due to his habit of CHEWING ON THINGS (ahem). Chewing on things is his ADD coping technique, we think (the odds of kids with our genetics getting by without some, er, attention problems was pretty low. We knew that). Anyway, he's quite functional, so there is no reason to get him officially diagnosed or treated yet. We're handling the chewing by making sure he can have sugar-free gum in class and at home. I suppose I should count myself lucky that I got him pacifier-broken.
We are also carefully watching his new teacher, who seems to be perhaps not a great fit.
But so many other parents wish they had my problems. The kids are essentially healthy, happy, smart, articulate, etc. Our troubles are not so very troublesome, for all that I do worry. They can mostly be fixed by the application of privilege: money, health insurance, parental attention, the time it takes us to go talk to teachers in person.
My mom and dad have finally read the articles on helicopter parents, and can't imagine who could expend that kind of time and energy parenting kids who are legally adults. But my dad spent that much time on us, my mom spent that much time on us. It was just while we were still in school and they considered it appropriate. They didn't spend it harrassing my teachers, but they spent it on going to games and driving me around and all sorts of other stuff.
This is not to say that I think people have to spend a certain amount of time and energy on their kids to be good parents. I think that quality, example, and love matter a lot, as much as sheer volume of attention. And all of these things can have a dark side, too, which I am not really qualified to address, but you know it when you see it.
So I may spend a lot of energy figuring out how to do orthodontia for a 7-yo (poor kid), or how to practice speech therapy with his sister, but I don't spend it worrying about him crossing the crosswalk alone, or being where he can't hear me, or thinking impure thoughts. It makes me wonder if there is a sort of universal constant, and what we are really judging people on is not whether they love or care for their kids, but on how they allocate their attention. I'm not coaching youth soccer. I'm not homeschooling. I'm not doing a lot of other things that could get my kids more time with me, and I know I get judged on that, and I'm ok with that. I am going to try to remember that the people who make choices radically different from mine are allocating the same love differently*.
*Except not vaccinating. I just.... I am not rational on the topic of universal vaccination, and I know it.
We are also carefully watching his new teacher, who seems to be perhaps not a great fit.
But so many other parents wish they had my problems. The kids are essentially healthy, happy, smart, articulate, etc. Our troubles are not so very troublesome, for all that I do worry. They can mostly be fixed by the application of privilege: money, health insurance, parental attention, the time it takes us to go talk to teachers in person.
My mom and dad have finally read the articles on helicopter parents, and can't imagine who could expend that kind of time and energy parenting kids who are legally adults. But my dad spent that much time on us, my mom spent that much time on us. It was just while we were still in school and they considered it appropriate. They didn't spend it harrassing my teachers, but they spent it on going to games and driving me around and all sorts of other stuff.
This is not to say that I think people have to spend a certain amount of time and energy on their kids to be good parents. I think that quality, example, and love matter a lot, as much as sheer volume of attention. And all of these things can have a dark side, too, which I am not really qualified to address, but you know it when you see it.
So I may spend a lot of energy figuring out how to do orthodontia for a 7-yo (poor kid), or how to practice speech therapy with his sister, but I don't spend it worrying about him crossing the crosswalk alone, or being where he can't hear me, or thinking impure thoughts. It makes me wonder if there is a sort of universal constant, and what we are really judging people on is not whether they love or care for their kids, but on how they allocate their attention. I'm not coaching youth soccer. I'm not homeschooling. I'm not doing a lot of other things that could get my kids more time with me, and I know I get judged on that, and I'm ok with that. I am going to try to remember that the people who make choices radically different from mine are allocating the same love differently*.
*Except not vaccinating. I just.... I am not rational on the topic of universal vaccination, and I know it.