GrahfuckMonday.
My feet and ass are telling me, very loudly, that I stood stock-still for most of an hour during Mass yesterday. Which I know I did, I don't see why they need to remind me. Ow.
My ex livened the proceedings by telling me that his new girlfriend had proposed to him. So I stood stock-still for most of an hour, with my feet feeling like they were being slowly flayed, in a deep blue funk.
(I did notice, during all this, that I've been able to starve and squish and kill nearly all my feelings for him. There's just kind of a blank in me when I'm around him. Good, right? Hurts less. Makes it hard to make conversation. But I didn't even have to cry in the bathroom after he told me. No, I don't think this means I loved him any less, I think it means I'm good at cutting out pieces of myself.)
(His stunned bewilderment at my Crazy Natal Chart of Doom was oddly gratifying though. Even if it was in reaction to some of the nastier portions of same. Have I mentioned here yet that I've got both Mercury and Venus in retrograde? No? I've got both Mercury and Venus in retrograde. Fuckers. Need to post on my Crazy Natal Chart of Doom someday.)
I've noticed--perhaps as a result of not practicing, perhaps as a result of cutting off or shutting down so much of myself?--that I'm literally less sensitive to magic now. I used to feel the waves of light spread out from the altar when he was priesting. Now I...don't. The remaining bits of me that care are upset.
I'm exhausted and sore and my sleep cycle's fucked up, and I'm Not Really Dealing, and I didn't do nearly as much this weekend as I should've, because I don't fucking care about myself and what I need to do to take care of myself. I was finally starting to learn, to become responsible, but I noticed recently that my general mental state seems to have back-slid by about three or four years. I feel like I did, oh, about sophomore, maybe junior year in college. I'm having the same issues again. Jesus fuck do I hate living in retrograde.
This only worries me with respect to my job. I've got to keep things up there. I can't have a sudden down-turn in performance--if I lose this job, I'll lose any chance of making a living, nobody's going to hire me with that fucked-up a resume.
Well, my job and housing. Setting myself up with the basic, practical means to exist in this world. I don't care about the rest. Why would I want to spend all my time taking care of somebody I don't like?
Stop the world, I want to get off.
Off to work--and today's going to be hell on wheels--and eat and fandom and sleep. It's a good rhythm. There are even parts of it I enjoy--mostly the fact that Marvel-fic seems to be pouring out of my every orifice every time I open a word processor. Mostly finished something completely unexpected last night. But the magic's gone out of my life.
The more I write recent-canon Tony, the more he reminds me of me, and this scares me a little.
Oh, and spam LJ. Can't forget that part of the rhythm. Must spam LJ with whiney emo.
I think I need to get back on antidepressants, possibly into therapy, but that would involve actual effort. And taking more time off from work, which I kindof can't do this pay period, because I took Friday off and didn't do as much work on my take-home project as I should've.
Fuck. Off to work. Driving to the train station, kthanx, whiney ass.
My ex livened the proceedings by telling me that his new girlfriend had proposed to him. So I stood stock-still for most of an hour, with my feet feeling like they were being slowly flayed, in a deep blue funk.
(I did notice, during all this, that I've been able to starve and squish and kill nearly all my feelings for him. There's just kind of a blank in me when I'm around him. Good, right? Hurts less. Makes it hard to make conversation. But I didn't even have to cry in the bathroom after he told me. No, I don't think this means I loved him any less, I think it means I'm good at cutting out pieces of myself.)
(His stunned bewilderment at my Crazy Natal Chart of Doom was oddly gratifying though. Even if it was in reaction to some of the nastier portions of same. Have I mentioned here yet that I've got both Mercury and Venus in retrograde? No? I've got both Mercury and Venus in retrograde. Fuckers. Need to post on my Crazy Natal Chart of Doom someday.)
I've noticed--perhaps as a result of not practicing, perhaps as a result of cutting off or shutting down so much of myself?--that I'm literally less sensitive to magic now. I used to feel the waves of light spread out from the altar when he was priesting. Now I...don't. The remaining bits of me that care are upset.
I'm exhausted and sore and my sleep cycle's fucked up, and I'm Not Really Dealing, and I didn't do nearly as much this weekend as I should've, because I don't fucking care about myself and what I need to do to take care of myself. I was finally starting to learn, to become responsible, but I noticed recently that my general mental state seems to have back-slid by about three or four years. I feel like I did, oh, about sophomore, maybe junior year in college. I'm having the same issues again. Jesus fuck do I hate living in retrograde.
This only worries me with respect to my job. I've got to keep things up there. I can't have a sudden down-turn in performance--if I lose this job, I'll lose any chance of making a living, nobody's going to hire me with that fucked-up a resume.
Well, my job and housing. Setting myself up with the basic, practical means to exist in this world. I don't care about the rest. Why would I want to spend all my time taking care of somebody I don't like?
Stop the world, I want to get off.
Off to work--and today's going to be hell on wheels--and eat and fandom and sleep. It's a good rhythm. There are even parts of it I enjoy--mostly the fact that Marvel-fic seems to be pouring out of my every orifice every time I open a word processor. Mostly finished something completely unexpected last night. But the magic's gone out of my life.
The more I write recent-canon Tony, the more he reminds me of me, and this scares me a little.
Oh, and spam LJ. Can't forget that part of the rhythm. Must spam LJ with whiney emo.
I think I need to get back on antidepressants, possibly into therapy, but that would involve actual effort. And taking more time off from work, which I kindof can't do this pay period, because I took Friday off and didn't do as much work on my take-home project as I should've.
Fuck. Off to work. Driving to the train station, kthanx, whiney ass.