A few random things
I have been 24 for about ten days by now. So far, with one brilliant exception, it has been...blargh. Sick nearly to the point of fainting on my birthday; could barely stay in my chair at work. Stayed home the day after to curl on the couch with constipation bad enough that I couldn't eat. Fiber pills + my diet = OTP.
The time and energy to write seems to be the luxury of the leisure class and the extremely organized. I'll never be the former, and I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of being the latter, but I suppose I'll have to be.
I've never been in a job this responsible before. In my previous positions, if I fucked up, nobody noticed, or even if they did, it didn't much impact the day to day basic functioning of the company. Now...I kindof am a fair portion of the day to day basic functioning of the company. And that scares the living fuck out of me. And I felt like I was doing well up until about...god, has it been almost two weeks by now that I've been going to work every day exhausted, feeling like shit, barely functional?
Today has been the day of constant work--came home to do about twelve loads of laundry, that took most of the evening, barely had anything to eat--and under the work, constant obsession with Auron/Lulu. Not sure why that particular pairing is biting me in the ass so very hard right now. Dribbled bits of fic in the laundromat. Not like I'll have time to finish it, but.
I have received a divine kick in the ass that I have very little idea how to address.
The one brilliant exception was Friday night, at a certain party, with a certain quite alcoholic drink, and a certain person. Part of what made it so brilliant, and I wonder if this happened partially because I was a bit tipsy and uninhibited...it is very rare that I let myself open up, be approached, be helped. It's not just the self-loathing--that's largely kept at bay by the Blessed Guardian Lexapro. It's...usually, if I need help, the people close to me--and I mean family or partners here, with some exceptions, and this has been all my life--ignore me, or say I don't need it, or deride me for thinking I need it, or say I'm being needy, or are hurt by how I express said needs and push me away. And some of that is my fault, and most of it isn't; but still. It's odd--I'm much more likely to trust somebody to drive me somewhere, or take naked pictures of me, or tie me up and beat me, than to help me.
I must go it alone and be strong. That's what the little voice in my head says. Well, that and "glory to she and the beast she rideth," because I saw it on jessicamelusine's icon and it's been stuck in my head all day. You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head? I get phrases stuck in my head.
I'm sorry. This turned out to be a much more emo random things post than I'd expected.
Nightwish, "Beauty and the Beast," has been my obsessive listening song while driving today. Driving around, listening to Nightwish, writing Auron/Lulu in my head...mmm, simple pleasures.
I'm running on fumes with no gas station in sight, and if I break down the clowns will eat me. I must keep myself functional, because it is not an option not to be, but I do so at the cost of all else. I feel like everything extraneous, which of course includes everything enjoyable, is getting sandblasted off of me.
Ow.
The time and energy to write seems to be the luxury of the leisure class and the extremely organized. I'll never be the former, and I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of being the latter, but I suppose I'll have to be.
I've never been in a job this responsible before. In my previous positions, if I fucked up, nobody noticed, or even if they did, it didn't much impact the day to day basic functioning of the company. Now...I kindof am a fair portion of the day to day basic functioning of the company. And that scares the living fuck out of me. And I felt like I was doing well up until about...god, has it been almost two weeks by now that I've been going to work every day exhausted, feeling like shit, barely functional?
Today has been the day of constant work--came home to do about twelve loads of laundry, that took most of the evening, barely had anything to eat--and under the work, constant obsession with Auron/Lulu. Not sure why that particular pairing is biting me in the ass so very hard right now. Dribbled bits of fic in the laundromat. Not like I'll have time to finish it, but.
I have received a divine kick in the ass that I have very little idea how to address.
The one brilliant exception was Friday night, at a certain party, with a certain quite alcoholic drink, and a certain person. Part of what made it so brilliant, and I wonder if this happened partially because I was a bit tipsy and uninhibited...it is very rare that I let myself open up, be approached, be helped. It's not just the self-loathing--that's largely kept at bay by the Blessed Guardian Lexapro. It's...usually, if I need help, the people close to me--and I mean family or partners here, with some exceptions, and this has been all my life--ignore me, or say I don't need it, or deride me for thinking I need it, or say I'm being needy, or are hurt by how I express said needs and push me away. And some of that is my fault, and most of it isn't; but still. It's odd--I'm much more likely to trust somebody to drive me somewhere, or take naked pictures of me, or tie me up and beat me, than to help me.
I must go it alone and be strong. That's what the little voice in my head says. Well, that and "glory to she and the beast she rideth," because I saw it on jessicamelusine's icon and it's been stuck in my head all day. You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head? I get phrases stuck in my head.
I'm sorry. This turned out to be a much more emo random things post than I'd expected.
Nightwish, "Beauty and the Beast," has been my obsessive listening song while driving today. Driving around, listening to Nightwish, writing Auron/Lulu in my head...mmm, simple pleasures.
I'm running on fumes with no gas station in sight, and if I break down the clowns will eat me. I must keep myself functional, because it is not an option not to be, but I do so at the cost of all else. I feel like everything extraneous, which of course includes everything enjoyable, is getting sandblasted off of me.
Ow.