(no subject)
so things have changed alot for me.
i havent really had alot to do with that boy for some time now. i think the last time i saw him was about a month ago breifly and i was easily able to knock back his advances and just enjoy his company as a friend. the thing is i just don't see him very much at all. i think that's the nicest thing he ever did for me. stepping back out of my life for a while. because its alot easier to forget why you like someone when they aren't around to remind you all the time
i still feel some amount of sadness about it. i mean i really loved him. but i also mainly just feel bad for him because nothing is ever going to change for him and he is going to make so many more girls cry. i don't think he is capable of making another person happy unless he changes completely.
i now have a boyfriend. i met him 3 months ago one of the nights that boy was supposed to come out and meet me and just didn't bother to show up. that's also something good thats come out of this. he is the same guy that hooked up with sonia which does bother me to an extent but i think we mostly worked that out. i dont think he thought it through really and didn't realise how much it would hurt me. he isnt the smartest guy but he is a really good guy regardless. also that situation was not so simple because he basically told me he liked me and i rejected him and after that he hooked up with sonia and i think that had a lot to do with it. if i hadnt been so unsure about my feelings i think he wouldnt have done that. honestly he went a bit off the rails for a while after i rejected him. lost his job and started partying much harder. he has changed alot in just the short time i've known him.
i was glad to sort things out with him though because i only realised how much i liked him when i thought i was going to loose him. and also originally i was really scared that i would hurt him because he was such a nice guy so when it was him who ended up hurting me i was alot more comfortable. because thats what i'm used to. it sounds stupid but i didnt think i could handle a situation where i was with someone who was a much better human being then i am.
we have only just started going out. i asked him because i figured the odds of him asking again when i had rejected him already were really low and i didnt want a repeat of the incident with sonia where i was only interested in him and he was hooking up with other girls. i told him i liked him. and he told me that he reaaaalllly liked me. and then i said "if i asked you to be my boyfriend would you?" and he said "are you asking me?" and basically it went like that.
i asked him if he was sure. 6 times at least. he told me he was. but still i'm just not convinced. it seems impossible to me that the person i like could actually like me in return. so i'm filled with insecurity. i want to talk to him all the time and when he isnt talking to me i assume it's because i'm boring and not interesting. i'm really worried that he said yes to avoid an awkward situation where i would end up crying and making a scene because he rejected me. and its stupid. because when i'm there with him i feel alot better. like it's obvious he likes me when i'm there. his eyes follow me and whenever he sees me it's like he is looking at me for the first time. he tells me i'm beautiful and shows me off to his friends. he is so considerate and affectionate.
last weekend dean tried to make peace with me. he is the bastard that completely fucked me over while i was friends with sonia. he said that he was sorry about everything. not just the way he spoke to me after me and sonia stopped being friends but the way he treated me the entire time. i told him not to worry about it but it was obvious i was bothered and didnt want anything to do with him or sonia. its awkward though because one of my friends is good friends with dean so its awkward being so unfriendly with someone who is around your group alot. i basically told him in the past already that i wasnt going to be hostile towards him but i didnt want anything to do with him. it really annoys me though that he is apologising in order to feel better about himself and the bad things he has done. to feel like a good person. and its not about me at all. i never hated myself until i met him and let him treat me the way he did. if he really gave a shit about my feelings he would leave me alone completely. thats what he would do if he really felt sorry. then he invited us all round to his afterwards and i was like no. i got up and left and it really really bothered me. i just want these people to leave me alone because everytime they approach me i feel everything all over again. i remember everything and i feel like a worthless disgusting person and i dont like that.
so i was upset and i drank alot. a very lot.
then my boy was supposed to meet me in town and he didn't show up on time and i had a total melt down. because i'm used to situations where the boy just never bothers to show up. and its so stupid but i relived every time i had been stood up and dissapointed by the last two guys i liked so much and i couldnt handle it. i assumed he didnt like me and wouldnt bother to show up. my friends dissapeared. i walked around looking for anyone i knew because i felt so alone and and i saw this girl i know but certianly not well enough to create the scene i did. she asked me what i was doing and i said i was looking for my friends and she could see i was upset so she took me to one of my friends chris and the second i saw him i burst into tears and started hugging him. i think he was totally not prepared for this situation because i'm not an overly emotional person. he was trying to figure out what was wrong and i was so upset i was crying hysterically and people were asking me what the problem was and i honestly cant even remember what i was saying i think i was telling them not to worry about it and they were getting annoyed because i was obviously so upset. chris asked if it was because my boy wasnt there and i dont know what i said but i think he understood that was why. i couldnt even really stay concious. next thing i know chris has found my boy and brought him to me and he is totally trashed and really confused at to why i'm upset but at this point it doesnt matter that he is here because i am so beyond upset i feel like it's impossible for me to ever be happy again. so i just keep crying and he is hugging me and asking why im so sad and im just shaking my head and keep on crying. i start sort of passing out so he takes me outside for some fresh air and i sort of sit there on the cold cement and keep on crying like a maniac and occasionally wretching. everytime i would pull away from him he would pull me back and he just sat with me for ages while i cried. he then started apologising. i dont even think he knew i was upset because he was late just kept telling me he was stupid and he didnt mean to hurt me. and i just kept on crying. i was a total mess.
we went back upstairs and i lost him somehow. he was pretty fucked and god knows i was but still it bothered me to be alone. some american girl came and sat with me and scared away some arseholes who were trying to creep onto me and then her friends found my boy and brought him back to me. we went back outside and he took me home to his place gave me a shirt to wear and just hugged me until i went to sleep.
the next day we didnt really talk about it except i told him that i had spoken to dean. sucked though because i wrecked the night for both of us but i couldnt even begin to describe the despair i was feeling. i honestly felt like i would never be happy again. and its so lucky he knew to pull me back towards him every time i pulled away or im not sure i would have been able to get past it. and its a good thing he took me home with him because if i had of woken up the next morning alone that mood would have continued through. the next day he made me feel alot happier. i felt really lucky.
i just dont know how to not be this retarded and insecure. he is quiet an affectionate guy so its not like he isnt doing enough or whatever i just doubt everything and i dont know how to stop. i'm so scared of investing too much and being hurt. he said when i asked him out "i thought you didnt do boyfriends" and i said "i dont" and its true. because the guys i liked havent been worth dating but obviously the way i have been in the past hasnt been working for me so i thought if it was worth taking a risk with anyone it was worth taking a risk with this guy.
hopefully when i see him this weekend i wont be so sad anymore. i feel like it will all be alot smoother in person. i just dont want to be the one in this relationship that needs the other more. i need to be truely loved by someone.
it's stupid because right now i should be so happy. because i am so lucky. but i just keep thinking about what could go wrong instead.
i havent really had alot to do with that boy for some time now. i think the last time i saw him was about a month ago breifly and i was easily able to knock back his advances and just enjoy his company as a friend. the thing is i just don't see him very much at all. i think that's the nicest thing he ever did for me. stepping back out of my life for a while. because its alot easier to forget why you like someone when they aren't around to remind you all the time
i still feel some amount of sadness about it. i mean i really loved him. but i also mainly just feel bad for him because nothing is ever going to change for him and he is going to make so many more girls cry. i don't think he is capable of making another person happy unless he changes completely.
i now have a boyfriend. i met him 3 months ago one of the nights that boy was supposed to come out and meet me and just didn't bother to show up. that's also something good thats come out of this. he is the same guy that hooked up with sonia which does bother me to an extent but i think we mostly worked that out. i dont think he thought it through really and didn't realise how much it would hurt me. he isnt the smartest guy but he is a really good guy regardless. also that situation was not so simple because he basically told me he liked me and i rejected him and after that he hooked up with sonia and i think that had a lot to do with it. if i hadnt been so unsure about my feelings i think he wouldnt have done that. honestly he went a bit off the rails for a while after i rejected him. lost his job and started partying much harder. he has changed alot in just the short time i've known him.
i was glad to sort things out with him though because i only realised how much i liked him when i thought i was going to loose him. and also originally i was really scared that i would hurt him because he was such a nice guy so when it was him who ended up hurting me i was alot more comfortable. because thats what i'm used to. it sounds stupid but i didnt think i could handle a situation where i was with someone who was a much better human being then i am.
we have only just started going out. i asked him because i figured the odds of him asking again when i had rejected him already were really low and i didnt want a repeat of the incident with sonia where i was only interested in him and he was hooking up with other girls. i told him i liked him. and he told me that he reaaaalllly liked me. and then i said "if i asked you to be my boyfriend would you?" and he said "are you asking me?" and basically it went like that.
i asked him if he was sure. 6 times at least. he told me he was. but still i'm just not convinced. it seems impossible to me that the person i like could actually like me in return. so i'm filled with insecurity. i want to talk to him all the time and when he isnt talking to me i assume it's because i'm boring and not interesting. i'm really worried that he said yes to avoid an awkward situation where i would end up crying and making a scene because he rejected me. and its stupid. because when i'm there with him i feel alot better. like it's obvious he likes me when i'm there. his eyes follow me and whenever he sees me it's like he is looking at me for the first time. he tells me i'm beautiful and shows me off to his friends. he is so considerate and affectionate.
last weekend dean tried to make peace with me. he is the bastard that completely fucked me over while i was friends with sonia. he said that he was sorry about everything. not just the way he spoke to me after me and sonia stopped being friends but the way he treated me the entire time. i told him not to worry about it but it was obvious i was bothered and didnt want anything to do with him or sonia. its awkward though because one of my friends is good friends with dean so its awkward being so unfriendly with someone who is around your group alot. i basically told him in the past already that i wasnt going to be hostile towards him but i didnt want anything to do with him. it really annoys me though that he is apologising in order to feel better about himself and the bad things he has done. to feel like a good person. and its not about me at all. i never hated myself until i met him and let him treat me the way he did. if he really gave a shit about my feelings he would leave me alone completely. thats what he would do if he really felt sorry. then he invited us all round to his afterwards and i was like no. i got up and left and it really really bothered me. i just want these people to leave me alone because everytime they approach me i feel everything all over again. i remember everything and i feel like a worthless disgusting person and i dont like that.
so i was upset and i drank alot. a very lot.
then my boy was supposed to meet me in town and he didn't show up on time and i had a total melt down. because i'm used to situations where the boy just never bothers to show up. and its so stupid but i relived every time i had been stood up and dissapointed by the last two guys i liked so much and i couldnt handle it. i assumed he didnt like me and wouldnt bother to show up. my friends dissapeared. i walked around looking for anyone i knew because i felt so alone and and i saw this girl i know but certianly not well enough to create the scene i did. she asked me what i was doing and i said i was looking for my friends and she could see i was upset so she took me to one of my friends chris and the second i saw him i burst into tears and started hugging him. i think he was totally not prepared for this situation because i'm not an overly emotional person. he was trying to figure out what was wrong and i was so upset i was crying hysterically and people were asking me what the problem was and i honestly cant even remember what i was saying i think i was telling them not to worry about it and they were getting annoyed because i was obviously so upset. chris asked if it was because my boy wasnt there and i dont know what i said but i think he understood that was why. i couldnt even really stay concious. next thing i know chris has found my boy and brought him to me and he is totally trashed and really confused at to why i'm upset but at this point it doesnt matter that he is here because i am so beyond upset i feel like it's impossible for me to ever be happy again. so i just keep crying and he is hugging me and asking why im so sad and im just shaking my head and keep on crying. i start sort of passing out so he takes me outside for some fresh air and i sort of sit there on the cold cement and keep on crying like a maniac and occasionally wretching. everytime i would pull away from him he would pull me back and he just sat with me for ages while i cried. he then started apologising. i dont even think he knew i was upset because he was late just kept telling me he was stupid and he didnt mean to hurt me. and i just kept on crying. i was a total mess.
we went back upstairs and i lost him somehow. he was pretty fucked and god knows i was but still it bothered me to be alone. some american girl came and sat with me and scared away some arseholes who were trying to creep onto me and then her friends found my boy and brought him back to me. we went back outside and he took me home to his place gave me a shirt to wear and just hugged me until i went to sleep.
the next day we didnt really talk about it except i told him that i had spoken to dean. sucked though because i wrecked the night for both of us but i couldnt even begin to describe the despair i was feeling. i honestly felt like i would never be happy again. and its so lucky he knew to pull me back towards him every time i pulled away or im not sure i would have been able to get past it. and its a good thing he took me home with him because if i had of woken up the next morning alone that mood would have continued through. the next day he made me feel alot happier. i felt really lucky.
i just dont know how to not be this retarded and insecure. he is quiet an affectionate guy so its not like he isnt doing enough or whatever i just doubt everything and i dont know how to stop. i'm so scared of investing too much and being hurt. he said when i asked him out "i thought you didnt do boyfriends" and i said "i dont" and its true. because the guys i liked havent been worth dating but obviously the way i have been in the past hasnt been working for me so i thought if it was worth taking a risk with anyone it was worth taking a risk with this guy.
hopefully when i see him this weekend i wont be so sad anymore. i feel like it will all be alot smoother in person. i just dont want to be the one in this relationship that needs the other more. i need to be truely loved by someone.
it's stupid because right now i should be so happy. because i am so lucky. but i just keep thinking about what could go wrong instead.