orion [2/2]
it’s cold here.
“you want to stop the tutoring?”
sungmin looked over his glasses at chaerin’s sudden request. the younger lee gave a stony-faced nod,
“yeah, i think i’m good now. i easily scored all the tests and quizzes. i think i’ll be fine.” she continued, “you can tell luhan he didn’t need to tutor me anymore. tell him thanks and i appreciate his help.”
“so that’s what she said,” sungmin exhaled the smoke, peering over to luhan.
“did you two fight or something?”
the younger one jumped, “w-why?”
“well, she didn’t show it to me, but i can see something is bothering her,” he turned to look at him, “you too.”
“it’s not that!” luhan countered, “we were fine with each other. i’ve been busy with my new learning centre maybe that’s why we didn’t hang out as much.”
“chaerin is also busy with her school. she’ll become a third year soon and she needs to focus for her entrance exam later, it’s best not to disturb her.”
“you’re right,” sungmin turned away and exhale more smoke, “chaerin is important to me. when i decided to take her in, i made a promise with myself that i would shower with love and happiness. whatever she wanted to do in the future, i will support her as best as i can.”
“but she’s at that age where everything around her can hurt her deeply, so i want nothing more other than to protect her and make sure she grows up beautifully and happily.”
sungmin pretended not to notice the way luhan grips the railing so tight that his knuckles whitened.
“yeah…”
-
days gone by and it’s almost winter. chaerin had managed to avoid luhan and busying herself with her studies and she had sungmin to thank for ending her tutor session with luhan.
how is he, she couldn’t help but to think. every single time she’s alone doing nothing, her mind would wander back to the older male, to his smile and his cheeky demeanour, to the things about him that make her smile thinly. but then she would remember the confession, the look on luhan’s face, troubled and guilty. and just like that all the good memories were taken away by the waves and she was left standing by the ocean, staring longingly at what she couldn’t reach.
what would i do if i saw him again, she thought, pulling the scarf to cover her reddened nose. winter is already here and as much as she loves the season, her body still couldn’t stand the chilly wind.
if i saw him again-
her steps came to a halt when her eyes landed on a familiar figure, leaning against his navy blue sedan.
-what would i do?
“what are you doing here?”
his hair is a lighter shade of brown, chaerin had notice. it also seems like he hadn’t been shaving for a while, and his face looks sunken, when is the last time he took a break?
it could be work, she said to herself. but the truth is, she wished it’s because of the confession.
“your uncle couldn’t pick you up. he asked me to come instead,” luhan told her and chaerin almost sigh in relief, his voice is still the same.
“it’s okay,” she said finally, “i’ll be going to jessica’s house for a study group. she’ll send me home after.”
“wait!” luhan stopped her when she turned to walk away from him, “does…does sungmin know?”
chaerin didn’t face him, “i’m about to text him. i’ll inform him properly.”
“wa-”
“luhan,” she stopped him, “it’s okay if you didn’t pick me up after this. i know you’re busy with your work and everything. i will talk to uncle sungmin. if he can’t pick me up, i’ll stay at jessica’s place instead.”
“you don’t have to come anymore.”
-
chaerin scowled behind the threads of her scarf, breathing out wisps of hot air in the contrastingly cold winter night as she muttered unhappy phrases under his breath. it was too chilly tonight. she couldn’t wait to head home and warm herself up with some warm bath and hot chocolate. jessica was supposed to send her home but the blonde girl had some family matters to attend to, something about arranged marriage she had told her.
i thought that kind of thing does not exist anymore, chaerin thought as she shuffles through the snowy pavement. jessica is so mature, her inner monologue continues, she has a strong will too.
i want to be strong.
chaerin looked up as she let out a sigh, the moon hung high in the night sky lighting the the path she walked. a light breeze ghosting across his face as she lazily counting the stars as she walked. it was midnight and the rest of the people in the small town were already visiting the world of dreams, either pleasant adventure or unpleasant terrors. she usually wasn't alone during this kind of time. she always had her parents next to her. her love for the blinking stars came from them. the three of them would sit outside, huddled together and count the stars and talk about nothing and everything.
“do you know what orion is?”
she moved her eyes from the sky to her hand, she could still feel the warmth of another hand in her even after all these months have passed of them being apart. it gave her heart a slight twinge, remembering the night she confessed to luhan. when he grabbed her hand, she pretended not to notice the slight tremble.
she stretched her hand towards the sky, stopping it over a star that seemed to be isolated from the others and her father’s voice echoed in her head,
“it’s the star that will show you the way when you’re lost"
when she looked away from the sky, her steps stopped when he saw the man that had been in her mind standing outside her house, his hands shoved into his pockets as he rocked his body side to side, a futile attempt to create some heat.
“a signpost of hope.”
there was something warm bloomed in chaerin, tugging her heartstring seeing luhan in front of her. the older male looked up, as if sensing her presence and chaerin willed her heart to stay put when he sent her a thin smile, his nose and cheeks flushed because of the cold,
“walk with me?”
chaerin said nothing but she didn’t object. it’s been too long. she knew nothing good will come if she keeps running away. luhan is sungmin’s best friend, almost a family-they’re bound to each other one way or another.
“did you know, chaerin?” luhan spoke up after a long moment of silence between them, “orion is a sign to travellers. you can tell the time and direction from its position. a signpost of hope. if you become lost, that star will show you the way.” he let out a chuckle, “though it’s not really needed at this time and age.”
chaerin stopped walking, slightly taken aback at how luhan sounded too much like her father. even the first time they met, luhan felt oddly familiar, like the warmth of her lost home. luhan also stopped walking, turning around to face her,
“you’re my orion.”
her eyes widened at his words. what-
“i believed that the first time i found you and brought you home, there’s a reason why i’m the one that found you and not sungmin.”
“mother,” luhan’s attention was caught when the girl behind her whimpered in her sleep, soft sobs coming from her, “father…”
“i thought it was just an affection between a brother to a younger sister. but i was wrong,” he looked away, and chaerin wondered if the flushed cheeks were really because of the cold.
“thank you luhan.”
chaerin was smiling. but it’s not just any smile. it’s like the first blooming flower after a long winter. it was bright and her eyes were twinkling like the stars.
luhan had never felt this way.
“you are my reason to keep going. my learning centre, sungmin was the only one that didn’t laugh about it. and you-you were the first stranger. before this, i thought opening the centre was only for my satisfaction and that’s why if it never goes well, at least i can be satisfied that i tried.”
“but after i met you, it was not like that anymore. everything i did, i did it for you, with the thought of you. you are my signpost of hope, chaerin.”
silence ensued between the pair and chaerin could only hear the deafening sound of her heart beating wildly. and luhan’s voice calling her name. that was the first time wasn’t it? that was the first time luhan had called her by her name. so many thoughts running around her mind right now, jumbled like unfinished jigsaw puzzle. she was scrambling to put the pieces together but the only thing she could utter was,
“what are you saying?”
there was a look flashed across luhan’s face; embarrassment? uncertainty? what was it but chaerin couldn’t decipher it because luhan already grabbed her hand and pulled her into an awkward, suffocating hug, his burning face hidden behind her hair.
“i’m saying i’ve fallen for you too!”
the time seemed to stop between them and chaerin couldn’t remember how loud she laughed that night.
the sun called you
“aren’t you a happy child?”
chaerin stopped rummaging through the clothes to look at jessica, “what do you mean?”
jessica said nothing, but there’s a small smile on her lips. chaerin had been cheery lately, and by lately means since she told them about luhan’s confession. the brunette was never the type to show her emotions but ever since she realized about her feelings towards luhan, it seems like her cold demeanour melts away and she’s more honest about how she feels now.
jessica didn’t know luhan that well, but she likes the effect this guy had on chaerin.
especially now, when the said girl holds up two different shirts with a gleam in her eyes,
“hey which one do you think suits him?”
-
“christmas party?”
“yeah, the class is planning to do a gathering during christmas,” chaerin informed as she washes the dishes. it was one of those rare nights where sungmin, luhan and chaerin can sit down and have dinner together.
“this would be your first time right?” sungmin asked over a glass of soju, “you should go chaerin-ah. it would be fun!”
“well if you say so…”
“i still remember my christmas party during my senior year,” a drunken chuckle came from sungmin, “that one was wild! right, luhan?”
while chaerin’s ears perked up at sungmin’s words, luhan was panicking. he rushed over the drunken male, “hey, stop blabbering nonsense!”
“what nonsense? it’s true!” sungmin continued, pushing luhan away when the younger one tried to shut his mouth, “hey, hey, chaerin-ah, do you want to know what happened?”
“we-hic-we were playing the king game-and, and your uncle ming got to be the king,” sungmin doubled over with laughter, ignoring luhan’s futile attempt to stop him from running his mouth around, “and so-i asked number 7-which is uncle lulu here-” he emphasized by pushing luhan’s head lazily, “to french kissed number 9-”
“wahhhhhh stop!!!!” luhan wailed, clamping his hand over sungmin’s mouth.
“hmm…” chaerin hummed behind them, her hands crossed over her chest with an unreadable look on her face.
luhan swallowed thickly, damn you lee! i mean, old lee! “sungmin is drunk. i’ll bring him to bed,” he offered nervously before dragging the struggling drunken male to his room.
you bastard, luhan huffed angrily after he let sungmin plop onto his bed, the older male already sleeping soundly. he grabbed the pillow and throw it over his face, i hope you suffocate and die! before stomping out of the room (after removing the pillow since he’s luhan and sungmin can’t die just yet).
“uwwwahhh!!” he jumped in surprised when he saw chaerin waiting outside of sungmin’s room, an amused look on her face.
“don’t do that,” he wheezed, placing his hand over his chest, calming his heart down, “i thought i’m gonna die.”
“stop exaggerating,” chaerin flipped him off, “by the way… french kiss huh?”
luhan averted his eyes nervously when the younger lee approached him, “i didn’t know you’re that kind of person.”
the older male spluttered, “wait-it’s not what you think!”
“i think uncle ming had told me enough-”
“but i’m telling the truth,” luhan argued stubbornly, his cheeks flaming red in embarrassment, “during that christmas party he made me french kissed our friend, kim minseok! he’s a guy!”
an awkward pause ensued the pair. chaerin had meant to tease luhan just a bit, but she didn’t expect him to blow up like this.
that’s funny.
“so you’re that kind of person,” she finally commented, “i didn’t know that.”
luhan’s whole face reddened as he spluttered indignantly, “i-i told you it’s not like that!"
chaerin was positively howling by now, slapping her hand up and down almost involuntarily and could barely breath for laughing. fat tears roll down her newly pinked cheeks and luhan stood there, dumbfounded. he waited until the younger one pressed her hand over her mouth, reducing her laughter into cackles.
“i can’t-” she wheezed, “i can’t believe you’re being serious right now!”
luhan blinked dumbly before blushing lightly, his own lips curled into a wide smile, “what-you’re such a tease!”
chaerin chuckled and exhaled loudly, calming herself down form the short high. a warm, comfortable silence ensued the couple and they stood there staring at each other. neither of them is believing this is real, that this happening. it was too good to be true.
“about the christmas party,” chaerin broke the silence, scratching the back of her head, “are you okay with me going?”
realization dawn on luhan before he chuckled lightly. really, this girl is too cute for her own good. he patted her head, “it’s okay. that was your first time right? you should go have fun during your high school years.”
“like french kissing your own friend,” chaerin joked.
luhan laughed lightly, “no, but really you should go. when will your party ends though?”
“hmm, until 11 if i’m not mistaken.”
luhan gave her answer some thought before leaning closer, his breath ghosting over her lips, “so after 11, you’re all mine. is that a deal?”
chaerin’s eyes widened, her body froze at the sudden proximity between her and luhan. the older male let out another chuckle before he pull away, giving her hair a last ruffle,
“it’s a date, kitty.”
-
“merry christmas!!”
students of class 2-A hollered excitedly as they share a toast. it’s christmas and with the air wet and chillingly crisp, insulated coats and colorful, floppy beanies made their annual appearances. gingerbread cakes and warm apple cider were served, with many other christmas meals brought by the students. lights were interwoven at the window and there was a large, fully decorated christmas tree. jessica’s house was definitely filled with that festive mood.
“are there gonna be any christmas games?” minji sidled up to chaerin, holding a sticky square of marshmallow and rice krispies.
"i don’t know. knowing them, there might be.” she said, scanning the area. there are clumps of people enjoying themselves in conversation and though chaerin was just sitting by and watching in silent, she’s still enjoying the night.
everyone looks happy.
the class spent the night singing to their heart content and playing games while exchanging gifts in the middle. it was a fun night. chaerin had never laugh so happily in one night.
“are you having fun?” kris asked, taking a bite from the chocolate chip in his hand. they were in the middle of the king game (chaerin didn’t get to be the king, which she thought to be quite disappointing).
“yeah, this is my first time going to a christmas gathering with my friends,” she grinned, “it was really fun!”
kris was taken aback, that was the first time he saw chaerin grins. it’s not like she never smile or laugh but a wide, toothy grin? that was a first. he was about to say something when a loud guy named park chanyeol yelled out,
“i am the king!”
the other students groaned in frustration while the boy grinned excitedly, “i wantttttt…..” he announced, gaining everyone’s attention. “number 1…”
“ehh that’s me.” kris spoke out and the students began to chatter excitedly. it was no secret kris was one of the popular students in school and had his share of fangirls; the girls in his class were no exception. they began whispering to each other, whining and hoping chanyeol would call out one of their numbers. “so troublesome.”
“to kiss number 2 on the lips!!” chanyeol yelled out and everyone hollered in excitement, searching for the ‘lucky 2’. frustrated whines can be heard from some of the girls, some of them cursing chanyeol for choosing the number.
“number 2…” chaerin’s soft voice stopped the buzzing excitement, “that’s me.”
a moment of silence.
then a loud, harmonious, “whaaaaaaatttt!!!??”
“kiss! kiss! kiss!” some of the boys began to chant, and it grew louder and louder, urging them to do as what the king had ordered.
“h-hey, chaerin,” kris stuttered out, “are you okay with this?”
“it’s just a kiss right?” chaerin answered cooly, “it’s no big deal.”
can this girl be any denser!? kris thought, surprised at her answer. other girls would make a huge deal regarding this.
the chants got louder, some of them even began to shout for them to hurry up. “is this okay?” minji asked jessica, eyeing the pair. it’s not a secret between the four of them about chaerin’s relationship with luhan. but with the brunette’s i-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, she wondered how kris is going to handle this.
jessica tsk-ed, sipping her drink, “what a troublesome bunch of monkeys.”
“the guys are getting impatient,” chaerin said, approaching kris. the male flinched when she grabbed him by the collar (and earned an enthusiastic ‘oooohhhh’ from the class) and pulled him towards her, “let’s just hurry up and finish it.”
“that…” kris bite out before pushing her head away forcefully, “are you stupid!?”
“things like kissing and stuff-you should do that with someone you like!”
chaerin’s eyes widened and the place went silent at kris’ sudden outburst. it was an awkward silence before kris turned around and went to grab a drink.
“tsk,” he wiped his mouth, strutting towards a certain tall, elf-ish male, a menacing aura surrounding him, “hey, chanyeol, since you like telling people to kiss, i’ll kiss you know.”
that surprises me, chaerin thought as she watches chanyeol trying to pry kris away from him, yelling something about not playing the king game ever again. the students went back to chant for the pair and the air became lively again.
her attention shifted when minji tapped her shoulder, “hey, you said you got to leave at 11 right? it’s almost time.”
“eh!?” chaerin jumped in realization before grabbing her belongings, “thanks minji-ah for the reminder!”
“hey,” jessica called out after chaerin had left, kicking kris’ foot, “this gloomy old man over here.”
“are you okay?” she offered a drink which kris took without a word, “that’s an interesting show you put there. i bet chanyeol will remember it for his life.”
“please leave me alone,” kris said miserably, wishing to bury himself into the ground.
“you know i support them right?” jessica stated matter-of-factly, giving him a side-glance.
kris downed the drink in one gulp, “yeah, i know.”
-
about fifteen minutes later, chaerin arrived at their promise place. luhan was already there, wearing a black coat over a navy blue sweater. her legs burned and her skin beneath her white turtleneck was damp from sweat, but when their eyes met, a smile brightens up luhan’s face, the tiredness melts away just like that. bringing herself next to luhan, she couldn’t suppress the wide smile, “have you been waiting long?”
“not really,” luhan said, brushing down her hair that managed to stick out, “you ran all the way here?”
“w-well,” she looked down bashfully, “i thought i was late for our date.”
the chinese male pulled her into a hug and let out a sigh, “why are you so cute.”
chaerin protested weakly in his embrace, saying that she’s not cute. his chest rumbled with laughter and it resonates through her body. they stood stilled under the light like that for a moment; this kind of peace, she wished it’ll stay.
that night, they spent their time like any other normal dates. they went to grab a bite, playing at the nearby arcade and the rest night walking around while sharing small talks. they talked about their favorite colors and foods, their hobbies, likes and dislikes. just small, nonsensical details about themselves.
but for chaerin, it meant everything.
“how were you as a child, luhan?” chaerin asked.
luhan hummed, “i’m not sure. i think i’m the same as i am now. that bright bubbly child everyone wished for.” he laughed when the younger one shoved him playfully, telling him to stop being so high about himself.
“i was in the soccer team. even when i transferred here from china, i joined the soccer team. that’s how i met sungmin anyway.”
“uncle plays soccer?” chaerin asked, surprised.
“nahhh,” luhan laughed, “he’s in the taekwondo club. but one day i accidentally kicked the ball towards him, knocking him on the spot. the whole school went uproar about that though, something about that new chinese kid knocking out the great warrior lee sungmin.”
“great warrior? i didn’t know he does martial art!” chaerin exclaimed in amazement.
“sungmin might not look like it, but he’s really strong and demonic,” luhan shivered slightly, probably remembering those dark days.
“what about you?” he suddenly asked, “what kind of child kitty was?”
“my childhood is boring,” chaerin brushed off his question with a chuckle, “you wouldn’t want to know.”
“but i want to know,” luhan said instead, still keeping his eyes on her, a gentle smile on his face, “tell me.”
chaerin blinked in surprise before she cleared her throat, “w-well… i was in the chess club.”
a snort came from luhan as he tried to hold his laughter, “i told you it would be boring!” chaerin yelled out in embarrassment.
“anyway,” she continued, ignoring the older male, “i didn’t have that many friends so usually i would go home straight after school. but i don’t really mind though, for me, being with my parents are the best thing in this world.”
luhan said nothing, his eyes on chaerin as the younger one smiled softly while she talked about her past, “my dad was like uncle sungmin. he’s a worrywart and act more like a troubled mother compared to my mom. i guess it’s in the gene.”
“mom was a gentle person. she didn’t talk much, but i like her touch the most. it always made me feel at ease.”
she stopped herself when she realized she had been talking too much about her parents, “i’m sorry. it must be-”
her words died off when luhan smiled at her, “they sound like great people.”
“ah…” she averted her eyes, “yeah, they are. they’re kind people. that’s why, sometimes, i think it was unfair-what happened to them. but…”
she looked up at the sky, “i realized it’s better to remember those times i managed to spend with them instead of going around blaming the universe.”
luhan stayed silent, thinking about how much strength this young child has to carry such burden on her shoulders. she didn’t whine or mop around, instead she braced herself up, willing herself to carry on and face the upcoming days.
it’s admiring as well as saddening.
“hey kitty,” luhan called out, “do you have a dream?”
chaerin gave his question a thought before she answered, “i’m not really sure. i just wanted to become a person my parents and uncle sungmin can be proud of.”
“do you remember what you told me? about orion?” luhan nodded, “well, my dad told me the same thing too. that’s why, i want to see everything i can, i want to know the meaning behind everything. life would be boring without seeing and knowing.”
another silence ensued but it was a comfortable one. the pair continued walking until they almost arrived at the lee residence. luhan was the first to stop, grabbing chaerin by the wrist lightly. the younger lee looked at their hands before looking up to luhan, a thin smile tugged on her lips.
ahh, luhan thought, this child, i want to cherish her so much.
“here,” he finally said, taking out a small white box, wrapped with silver ribbon, “your christmas present.”
“eh, but i didn’t bring yours! wait here i’ll-”
“it’s okay, you can give it to me later,” luhan stopped her, “take it.”
the white box exchanged hands and chaerin looked at luhan, asking if she could open it now. gaining approval from the chinese male, she unwrapped the box, her eyes widened at seeing a silver necklace, with an orion pendant.
“remember what i said?” luhan took the necklace from her and went to put it around her neck, “about you being my orion.”
the silver orion pendant glint under the light, like the real star high up in the sky. luhan bend down, kissing the pendant,
“you’re my signpost of hope. and with this pendant, i hope that if you ever got lost, you’ll find your way back home.”
sunshine falls like snowstorm
after christmas, luhan and chaerin had been spending more and more of their free time together. though because of luhan’s work, they didn’t get to have their second date but the two of them always managed to sneak out to at least have an ice-cream together. sometimes they would spend the time at the lee residence along with sungmin, just like how they normally would, saving the secret smiles and hands brushing against each other.
sungmin brushed it away at first. the first time he noticed luhan and chaerin giggling and whispering to each other while they’re washing the dishes. he thought those two just got along with each other and truth to be told, it was good seeing his two most important people being on a good term.
but being on a good term doesn’t mean going out just the two of them when chaerin had told him she’s out with her friends.
“do you remember when we were in high schools, i got involve in some gangs and you helped me getting out?” sungmin started, pouring soju into luhan’s glass. he had called luhan to meet at the stall they used to hang out together during their college years. it brings back memories. good ones.
“and also the time when i lost my exam slip you helped me find it and we almost didn’t make it to the entrance exam.”
he downed his soju in one go, “you’re a good friend, luhan. countless of times, you’ve helped me without fail and i am forever indebted to you.”
“what are you saying so suddenly?” luhan laughed, taking the soju bottle from sungmin’s hand to pour another into the older male’s glass, “we’re best friends, those things shouldn’t matter.”
sungmin laughed lightly and they both shared a toast. how long they had been best friends? 15 years? luhan had always been there for sungmin just like how sungmin had been there for luhan. it was a year or so after his brother eloped when they first met. sungmin was lonely, because chaerin’s father was his only brother and his parents were always too busy with work and luhan was…well, being luhan.
every single day, sungmin was always thankful for the younger one.
“how’s everything with chaerin?” he asked after a moment of silence. he let out another laugh when luhan said nothing, but from they way his eyes widened, sungmin knew he was flabbergasted, like a deer caught in the headlights.
sungmin knows he won’t be forgiven. that he would be damned in the afterlife. but he’s not backing down.
“look at you. you can’t even say ‘what are you talking about? stop joking’ now don’t you?”
the smile faded and he looked at luhan squarely, at him clenching his jaw, “do you have any idea what you’re doing right now?”
“…i do…” came the soft reply.
“you don’t.” he countered, “chaerin is only 17. she still has a long journey ahead of her. if you really want to be her boyfriend, it’ll be your responsibility to protect her. but are you sure you can do that? you’re not going to be able to wipe her tears, to hold her close and to be with her when she needed you the most.”
“both of you are from two different worlds. chaerin, no matter how mature she is, is still a child. she won’t understand the world you and i are living in. she deserves to be with someone closer to her age, someone who can understand her well.”
ahh…
“give her a chance to experience youth love. for her this experience will only be a transit point. you…” he gave luhan a knowing look, “…understand what i’m talking about right?”
there was a moment of silence before luhan nodded solemnly, “yeah…i understand.”
i won’t be forgiven for this aren’t i?
“don’t say anything to her, don’t act differently either. i’ll…settle it once for all.”
-
it was almost at the end of term and high school students are busy preparing for their finals. chaerin had been spending most of her hours studying and also tutoring minji with jessica. her current routine involves mainly her house, school, and jessica’s house.
after their winter break, chaerin haven’t met luhan once. it can’t be helped, considering her being occupied with her studies and luhan with his works. that’s why, after the dreadful exam week, chaerin was delighted to get a message from luhan, saying that he wanted to meet her. she even almost jumped in excitement seeing the older male’s car waiting by the gate.
“hey,” chaerin greeted cheerily as she gets into the car, “it’s been a while.”
luhan replied with a low hum, earning a confused look from the younger one. it was not like him to not replying with enthusiasm. she wondered if he was tired with his works, i should’ve told him to rest instead.
the car ride had been silent with only the sound of the radio filling in the silence. chaerin had been fidgeting in her seat, wondering what should she say to the chinese male. it’s not her forte, giving words of comfort or some sort. that was luhan’s.
when they arrived, not a word came from luhan. they stayed still in the car ad chaerin didn’t even dare to look at the older male. it’s weird saying this but it was almost like chaerin was afraid of luhan.
“hey,” she almost jumped in her skin when luhan spoke out.
he turned off the radio, “don’t you think we should end this?”
there was a moment of absolute silence. both in the car and in chaerin’s head. it was like her mind went blank all of the sudden, did i hear it wrong?
“…what…?” she looked at luhan, “what are you saying?”
luhan paused, “i’ve been thinking, maybe it wouldn’t work between us.” he took off his glasses and chaerin saw the eye bags under his tired, reddened eyes, “i’ve been busy with my new learning centre and i’m also thinking about furthering my studies in music.”
“and before we knew it, we’ve been spending lesser and lesser time together.”
chaerin swallowed, this can’t be happening. didn’t they just spend christmas together? didn’t luhan told her-
“luhan…is it because i’m just a kid?” she asked, her voice came out with a slight tremble, “do you see me as a kid?”
luhan said nothing.
“you said…i was your orion. that i am your signpost of hope-why-” her eyes went blurry when tears start brimming in her eyes but she willed herself not to cry. she would be damned if she let herself cries and appears weak.
so she hold in her tears, blinking them away and asked, bracing her voice, “don’t you love me, luhan?”
“i want to see everything i can, i want to know the meaning behind everything. life would be boring without seeing and knowing.”
“no, i don’t.”
-
chaerin sighed as she throws herself onto her soft, fluffy bed. she inhaled the scent of rose from her pillow before letting out another heavy sigh.
new term will start soon, she thought, and it seems like they had agreed to give the position as student council president to me.
looks like it’ll be a busy year, she rolled over, staring at the ceiling, and there’s entrance exam to think about.
the room needs a makeover, she tilted her head, staring intently at the ceiling, it would be awesome if the ceiling can be done like night sky with glimmering stars-
-you’re my orion. my signpost of hope.
“haaa…” chaerin exhaled loudly before resting her crossed arms over her eyes, her voice cracked,
“shit…”
-
sungmin’s eyes darted to the door to the bar when the bell jingles, signalling a customer just came in. it was luhan, and he raised his hand when their eyes met, calling the younger male to him. he said nothing when luhan silently sat beside him and called the bartender,
“give me your strongest vodka.”
sungmin pressed the cigarette against his lips and silently placed his hand on luhan’s head, ruffling the light brown strands,
“thank you luhan. i promise you, this will be the last time i’m asking you for a favor.”
cherry blossoms fall like snowflakes
winter had finally given way to spring. the last of the snow had melted only a day ago, but the smell of it still hung heavy in the air, like a woman's perfume long after she'd left the room.
her senior year appeared unknowingly, as she underestimated the power and speed of time. she was already eighteen years old. she was the student council president, a role model for her juniors. she was showered with respect and admiration for her sensibility and maturity for her age, her charming good looks, her academic achievements and her overbearing confidence.
to others, she had it all, but to herself; she still felt empty and indecisive. she had it all, but not all at once. there was just one aspect of his life missing.
so chaerin works hard to fill in that empty space. luhan’s absence helped her to focus more on the other aspect of her life. everyone was working hard, sungmin is aiming for a promotion, kris as the class president, jessica being the secretary for the student council and minji is leading the volleyball team as the captain.
so chaerin didn’t spend her days moping around that one empty space.
“luhan is leaving to china in two days.”
chaerin froze at sungmin’s words, before she quickly recovers and continues tidying up her desk, “yeah?”
“it looks like he got an offer to continue his studies,” the older lee informed, and chaerin schooled her voice not to tremble as her hands do.
“i see.” she uttered cooly, “good for him then.”
there was a pause from sungmin, “well, i thought you would want to see him off at the airport with me.”
“nah, i have a study session with the girls and kris.” she was quick to turn down the offer, “send him my regards.”
another pause. “okay then.”
“uncle,” she called out, “do you have any wish?”
“i don’t.” sungmin answered, pushing himself from the wall to walk towards his niece. he patted her head, like a gentle father he is, “but when i took you in, my only wish is for you to grow up healthily and happily.”
he gave the younger one a kiss on her forehead, “it’s late, you should go to sleep.”
to be happy. is it that easy, uncle?
just by wishing, i wonder if it’ll come true.
that night, chaerin couldn’t sleep a wink.
“china?”
chaerin nodded at jessica’s question, her eyes never leaving her english book, “yeah, uncle told me his flight is today afternoon. seems like he got a chance to further his studies in music or something.”
there was a momentary pause, until kris spoke up, “…don’t you want to go and see him?”
“huh?” chaerin looked at him in confusion, “what are you talking about? why would i go?”
kris said nothing, you said that and yet your hand is trembling.
a heavy silence shrouds the entire room, indicating none of them knows what to say. luhan is such a sensitive subject nowadays so they always avoid any topic regarding the older male.
the group jumped when jessica suddenly slammed the table, anger scrawled all over her pretty face-a rare sight. she snatched the book from chaerin’s hand and before the brunette could even counter back she was tackled down to the floor by jessica.
“wh-jess-” chaerin’s protest went still when she saw the blonde girl crying.
“when i first met you,” jessica gritted out, gripping the collar of chaerin’s shirt, “i was so jealous of your straight hair. but that’s not all. i’m jealous at how you’re always looking forward, not caring of your surrounding, how you seems like you already have goals in life and you’ll do anything to achieve them,” jessica sobbed against chaerin’s chest, “i was jealous because i thought you’re different from any other girls i met. i thought, she looks like someone who can be on her own.”
“but i was wrong!” she gripped the brunette’s shirt tighter, “when you came crying about luhan, i thought she needs us. she’s vulnerable right now and i want to help her. i want to her to become that strong girl again.”
“but what the fuck are you doing right now, chaerin!?” she demanded, shaking the other one vigorously, “you really want to mop here all day and let him leave just like that!? where is that strong girl i know!? the one that’ll work towards her goals instead of sitting around doing nothing!?”
chaerin’s eyes widened at jessica’s outburst. the blonde girl had always been straightforward but most of the times she’s always so calm and composed. part of the advantage being raised in a well-known family, she said. but seeing her right now, crying so desperately, her hands trembled as she grips her shirt tightly, chaerin felt like she was doused with cold water.
she gritted her teeth, her own tears brimming her eyes, “…i know that…” she croaked out, stopping jessica’s sobs before she breath out, tears rolling down her cheeks, her voice coming out stronger.
“i fucking know that already!”
the first time she met luhan, she thought he’s one of those people she should avoid. too bright and too cheery for her liking. but the space rabbit wasn’t having any of that. he was one mischievous bunny, invading every part of her life little by little until she realized none of it belongs to her anymore.
it’s all his.
chaerin never cares about what other people has to say about her. but luhan is different. day by day, she became conscious of the other’s presence and her heart twinge in pain in his absence. it was just like how jessica said it, this thing is troublesome, and painful as hell but chaerin was grateful.
out of all people in this world, she fell in love with luhan.
if she could turn back time, she wouldn’t mind falling for him all over again.
chaerin never imagines herself running so hard that her lungs almost burst from the lack of oxygen, every muscles in her body ached from the strenuosity but she didn’t care. the only think that matters, the only person she wanted to desperately see right now is luhan.
i want to tell him, i want to tell him, i want to-
“there she is!” minji yelled, earning jessica and kris’ attention. the three of them lightly jogged towards chaerin, who was sitting alone, lost in her own thoughts.
“chaerin,” kris called out, snapping the brunette from her reverie.
“hey…” chaerin smiled, and when he thought everything must’ve gone well, the girl looked away, her voice strained,
“…i didn’t make it.”
no one said anything and neither of them move from their position. it was chaerin that raised her hand to grab the hem of kris’ shirt, her voice cracked and trembled like her hand,
“can we…stay a bit longer.”
it’s cold
chaerin walked around the decorated hallways, as another farewell ceremony was soon to be placed. numerous, shining signs of "congratulations seniors!", "we wish you luck for the future!" and "goodbye seniors!" were placed around the hallway, giving them some sort of significance and indication of time in school.
her high school years are coming to an end.
chaerin had been working around the clock to make herself busy, studying hard for her entrance exam and even started working part-time job. she’s doing everything in her power to push away that one name to the back of her head.
luhan. how is he now?
it’s been months and not a word from the older male nor sungmin. but not like she asked either.
and so, seasons passed and days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.
when she’s 24, kris proposed to her.
when she’s 26, they got married (and sungmin cried like a mother sending her only child away).
when she’s 34, they moved to the west.
chaerin loves kris, she really does. she loves kris because kris is like the moon that appears every night, reliable and subtle, holding a soft, gentle vigil over the earth when everything is dark. and after all this while, not once does the moon say to the earth, you owe me. but if kris is the moon then luhan is the sun. the earth continues revolving around the sun, becoming alive only in the sun’s glow, and the moon just continues revolving around the earth, coming out from second stage when the sun deigns to leave and the sky turns lonely, to sprinkle the stars across pitch black, a faint glimmer of light for the earth. no matter how much he tries, though, even with all the strength in his tiny heart, the moon never lights up the sky like the sun does for the earth. not even close.
chaerin felt guilty, every single day and maybe that’s why she treats kris like a fragile glass. he gave her his heart, saying it’s all yours now, and chaerin sworn to never let it break (but the irony is she didn’t give hers to him).
everyone grows up. jessica leading the fashion industry with her own brand, minji was in training to lead one of her family’s hotels, sungmin got himself a golden retriever since he refused to get married (i’m too old to find one) and life goes on.
no mention of luhan.
(except sometimes single things around her reminded her of him. like the cats she saw on the streets, the smell of cigarette smoke and the smell of vanilla).
another year passed by; indeed, time waits for no man.
the phone slipped from chaerin’s trembling hand and her legs gave away as she falls on her knees, salty tears burning path down her cheeks.
“they found him in his music room, underneath the falling debris. it seems like he went running back to his learning centre during the earthquake.”
she covered her mouth as broken sobs came out, her body shaking violently, “….luhan…luhan…luhan…” she calls out ruefully, like a chant, hoping the owner of the name would appear in front of her, all toothy grin and gleaming doe-eyes, calling her ‘kitty’ with his annoyingly cheery tone.
but he’s not here.
they were miles apart across the oceans and he’s not here.
her luhan is not here.
“don’t leave,” kris said as she takes out her luggage.
“i need to see him,” she begged, “i need to see him, kris.”
her movement stops when kris hugged her from behind, burying his face into her shoulders and chaerin was stumped when she felt warm water droplets soaking her clothes.
“don’t leave me,” came the broken cry.
“i’m begging you please don’t leave me,” he held her tighter and chaerin’s eyes sting with salty tears, “please stay with me.”
chaerin stayed still as kris continuously sobs into her shoulder. blinking away the tears, she heave a breath before turning around and pulled the male into her embrace. she placed gentle strokes on his hair, kissing the top of his head lovingly, shutting her eyes when the tears escaped,
“i’m sorry kris. i won’t leave.”
-
sungmin stared at the fresh grave, cigarette in his lips and a bouquet of marigold in his hand.
“you son of a bitch,” he called out, “how dare you go first before me.”
he could imagine luhan laughing his tears out, probably saying something along the line of, ‘you’ll be coming sooner than you thought, old man. cut off the smoking a bit.’ something bratty, just like luhan.
he puts down the marigold and inhaled the smoke, “just so you know, i didn’t regret my decision.”
he imagined a younger luhan standing in front of him, wearing that calming, assuring smile when in fact, it was what sungmin wished to feel.
-
he was staring at the ceiling, all empty eyes and slow breath. chaerin took his hand in hers, all wrinkled skin and fragile bones, but these are the hands that hold her close and protect her until the end. she kissed the knuckles lightly and stroked his head gently, the skin feels rough under her touch but chaerin didn’t mind.
“i’m here, kris,” she assured lovingly, smiling when her husband responds to the call of his name. he stared into her eyes and chaerin felt her insides churned at the look in his eyes, “i’m still here, kris. everything will be okay.”
“…chae…” his voice came out like a pained whimper, like a breath of rusty air but chaerin still answers with a gentle ‘yes’. she leaned closer to him, “i’m here, kris. i’m here. the children will be here soon too.”
it’s not like it was the first time for her to wait beside someone’s deathbed. she didn’t cry during her parents death and just two years ago, sungmin left to follow his beloved brother. but every single time, piece by piece, her heart is being taken away.
everyone is leaving her.
“…chae…” he called out again, his breathing became slightly laboured, “…the…letter…”
he raised his hand, slow and shaky and chaerin knew how much strength he muster up and used for all these little movements. she followed where his frail fingers were pointing out and saw a folded paper on the nightstand. she was about to reach for the paper when kris’ breathing became ragged and his heart monitor went wild.
“uncle sungmin told me before luhan left to china, he had asked him to never let you find him anymore, no matter what happens in the future. he knew, if you found out the real reason he breaks up the relationship, you would run back to him with no hesitation. he didn’t want that. that’s why, when he dies, i stopped you from going to him. i’m sorry chaerin. sorry for selfishly wanting you to stay. even for a little while, i wish for us to be like a normal couple, i wish for you to stay with me.”
“but it’s okay now. go find him. you’re free now, chaerin.”
my heart is so frozen
“do you know about the abandoned building at the outskirts of the town? rumor has it, it was an old music school. there was a dedicated teacher, who has a deep passion in music and a childish dream of sharing and teaching music with the world. during the earthquake on a cold wintry night many years ago, the teacher died, trying to save a music sheet he was working on. it was a song he made for his beloved and he died protecting it.”
“luhan…” chaerin breathe out, small clouds forming around her mouth with every breath she releases. it’s been so many years since she last came here. everything had changed, the ice-cream shop she used to go when she was still a student was gone, the park near her neigborhood was now a large house, everything had changed.
“everything is so different and yet it’s still hard to see the stars here,” she looked up at the night sky, searching for that one star.
“do you know about the abandoned building at the outskirts of the town?”
“orion…” she smiled when she found the lone, bright star, “the signpost of hope when you’re lost.”
“rumor has it, every night during winter, you can hear the teacher plays the piano to the song. until the sound melts like snow when spring comes.”
she entered the gloom building, there is nothing left. the first time she entered this place, she remembers it all too well. she remembers the man that brought her here, sunshine smile and home-like warmth. she stepped into one room that she remembered the most. it was empty and desolated, the walls crumbled and tiny dust was in the air, but in chaerin’s mind, the grand piano he used to play was still at the centre of the room, the gentle sound of familiar music filling her ears.
“chaerin.”
“and when it’s winter again, the song plays, just like the falling snow.”
he looks the same, chaerin noted. still the same dark brown hair, and a face that made him looks like someone younger than her, broad shoulder, warm back, home.
“took you too long,” he joked, that child-like smile gracing his beautiful face. he stretched out his hand towards her, a gentle look on his face, “i’ve been waiting.”
chaerin stared at him for a moment before a soft laughter escaped her lips. she took his hand and stepped inside the room-well furnished and clean like the first time she came here. her body feels light and she let him pulled her into his embrace, the two of them dancing to the song playing. the black sky with glimmering stars was their roof, the moon witnessing their love.
her father was right, if she looks up, her way becomes clear, like with that winter star.
“i’m home, luhan.”
-
“you’re my orion. my signpost of hope.”