[Pratchett Fic] involving Polly and Nobby and I'm not kidding. Really.
I've been more or less away a lot again, but I've been feeling a lot better than usual, which sort of makes me just that little bit cautiously happy. Though I have learnt that Terry Pratchett books can only sustain themselves as comfort books as long as you have enough of them to read. Sadly, I didn't, so I went and got myself another two yesterday. I've already read my way through those two in a day and a half, and I possibly need to buy a few more very soon. I'm not made of money, but apparently I'd like to be made of Terry Pratchett books. XDDD
And so, because LAJljsl I seriously need to gear up to write that jentfic_remix thing
(I'm still terrified about it, okay) and the catch up week at boobandboobs because I'm starting to feel like a bit of fraud in calling myself a pinion and a fic writer and never doing anything about it XD.
I figured I had to start somewhere (that the silly crossover madness a few days ago totally doesn't count). So, more attempts at off the cuff Pratchett fic. This isn't betaed, so read at your own risk. XD And yes, NEWSBTS (Never Entertain Wild Swines Because They Smell) is my er - so called sly attempt at sliding JE into Discworld briefly. One day I will get sick of the idea of Yampie and Not-A-Dwarf-Ryo and Vampire!Gin, but that day has not arrived yet. >_>
Sergeant Polly stared.
"Are you sure you're female?" she said to a small, weedy person of some unidentified sex dressed in a ragged uniform. The only touch of femininity - at least, that's what Polly thought she was supposed to think, was a sparkly rainbow belt. It really made the worst sort of uniform. You could be spotted in the rain about fifteen miles away with that thing on.
"'es miss," said the person.
"It's sarge," Polly said sharply. "We're all in the army, we're sexless, and by sexless I mean if you are sexist in anyway, you will not resemble a sex when I'm finished with you. Is that clear?"
"'es miss."
Though, to be fair, any idiot could spot the ragged Borogravia army trailing behind her. After all, Borogravia prided itself on being proud, and they were too proud to march any other way. This, Polly feared was the result of the truce. Having Anhk-Morpork theoretically on your side - at least the Anhk-Morpork Times meant all that useless pride had some swooshing back again in the space of a week after every damned truce they had.
She stared at the person.
Nobby Nobbs stared back. You couldn't really see a face, so much as a collective of things that should be on a face, exactly, just as you couldn't see whether this person qualified as a human or not, though, Polly was too tactful to inquire about both their species and sex. It could be a monkey, her mind supplied helpfully. Maybe a girl monkey.
"Why do you want to join the army, er -" She searched around for a word that was not related to any sex or species, and had a quick look at the papers in her fist, and made a face at the unfortunate name of "- Verily Fortunate?"
"Good pay and women's rights!" Nobby said, and adjusted his hat. It was the hat that a week ago, in a concert hall that NEWSBTS (Never Entertain Wild Swines Because They Smell) had held, Ryo had thrown at him, rather viciously and possibly with the intent to kill. Nobby had to fight off three people, a troll and a vampire for it. He also had to fight off Tegod (with a silent D) for it, which Yampie said took a lot of skill to do, and that Nobby must have been highly skilled indeed. Mister Vimes had said no, it only took a Nobby.
He was very proud of the hat.
"Oook," said the Librarian next to him, who was in a wig. And a dress.
"Are you by any chance a mon-"
Nobby had an instinct for self-preservation.
"DON'T SAY IT," he hollered. "She is a very" and he struggled on the words with more than three syllables, "ed - du - cated lady orangutan, miss."
Polly knew her animal anatomy, though. "That is no lady, or I'm a man," she said.
"Really, miss?" said Nobby with all of the wide eye honesty that only Nobby could muster up.
Polly gave up. And in.
"You're in," she said.
"Oook!"
***
"This spying business ain't too hard, is it?" said Fred Colon, who was happily very far away from the danger and very close to someone who was virtually indestructible by the name of Detritus. It could only get better if there was some beer about, but Fred wasn't going to complain. Much. Though, he'd wish they weren't in a bloody tower spying on the Borogravia army. Towers were really, really high up...
"Dat went a lot smoother dan Mister Vimes fink," Detritus said, handling the tiny pair of binoculars back to Fred. "Dey never know what hit 'em. Except when I do it."
"Do you suppose," Angua said carefully, because you had to be careful in company such as Fred Colon and Detritus, "When Mister Vimes said to watch the Borogravia army trying to invade everyone all over again and make sure they didn't do anything too blindingly stupid, he meant from so... up close? And with Nobby? Wearing a wig?"
"Course," Fred said and tapped the side of his nose knowingly. "No one will ever dare to ask Nobby if Nobby's a human, let alone a girl."
"But I thought Sally was -"
"She vampire," Detritus said. "Vampire dey not good at being," and he paused and tried to remember Vimes' exact wording, "Obtrusively unobtrusive. What dat mean anyway?"
Angua sighed. She knew Sally had gotten the better end of the deal. At least only she had to deal with being a lot of bats. Angua had to deal with Fred Colon, Detritus and the enthusiastically cross-dressing Librarian and Nobby. It was enough to give you a headache or two. Thank god for Carrot.
Carrot, who had so far being very quite and slowly writing a long, detailed letter to Vimes looked up then. "It'll all be okay," he said cheerfully. "Mister Vimes will know we're all doing our best to get it sorted quick while he goes takes little Sam to his first week in nursery school."
And that was Carrot for you. On one hand, it was a very earnest Carrot-like thing to say, and on the other hand, it also meant that if you weren't trying your best Carrot would be very Disappointed.
If you were king, Angua thought, you could rule the world. But you aren't because you believe in Mister Vimes and Mister Vimes hates kings. Says they get away with a lot because people turn stupider when there are kings about. I turn stupid around you, and lots of other people do, but it's not official, so it's okay, right?
"Angua?" Carrot said.
She blinked. "It's nothing." And it really wasn't. They'd finish with Borogravia's fifteenth uprising since the first original truce with Ankh-Morpork and they'd go home and that'll be it. Just another day's work.
"Remember to keep Nobby away from the perfume, though," she added. "It blocks my sinuses."
And so, because LAJljsl I seriously need to gear up to write that jentfic_remix thing
(I'm still terrified about it, okay) and the catch up week at boobandboobs because I'm starting to feel like a bit of fraud in calling myself a pinion and a fic writer and never doing anything about it XD.
I figured I had to start somewhere (that the silly crossover madness a few days ago totally doesn't count). So, more attempts at off the cuff Pratchett fic. This isn't betaed, so read at your own risk. XD And yes, NEWSBTS (Never Entertain Wild Swines Because They Smell) is my er - so called sly attempt at sliding JE into Discworld briefly. One day I will get sick of the idea of Yampie and Not-A-Dwarf-Ryo and Vampire!Gin, but that day has not arrived yet. >_>
Sergeant Polly stared.
"Are you sure you're female?" she said to a small, weedy person of some unidentified sex dressed in a ragged uniform. The only touch of femininity - at least, that's what Polly thought she was supposed to think, was a sparkly rainbow belt. It really made the worst sort of uniform. You could be spotted in the rain about fifteen miles away with that thing on.
"'es miss," said the person.
"It's sarge," Polly said sharply. "We're all in the army, we're sexless, and by sexless I mean if you are sexist in anyway, you will not resemble a sex when I'm finished with you. Is that clear?"
"'es miss."
Though, to be fair, any idiot could spot the ragged Borogravia army trailing behind her. After all, Borogravia prided itself on being proud, and they were too proud to march any other way. This, Polly feared was the result of the truce. Having Anhk-Morpork theoretically on your side - at least the Anhk-Morpork Times meant all that useless pride had some swooshing back again in the space of a week after every damned truce they had.
She stared at the person.
Nobby Nobbs stared back. You couldn't really see a face, so much as a collective of things that should be on a face, exactly, just as you couldn't see whether this person qualified as a human or not, though, Polly was too tactful to inquire about both their species and sex. It could be a monkey, her mind supplied helpfully. Maybe a girl monkey.
"Why do you want to join the army, er -" She searched around for a word that was not related to any sex or species, and had a quick look at the papers in her fist, and made a face at the unfortunate name of "- Verily Fortunate?"
"Good pay and women's rights!" Nobby said, and adjusted his hat. It was the hat that a week ago, in a concert hall that NEWSBTS (Never Entertain Wild Swines Because They Smell) had held, Ryo had thrown at him, rather viciously and possibly with the intent to kill. Nobby had to fight off three people, a troll and a vampire for it. He also had to fight off Tegod (with a silent D) for it, which Yampie said took a lot of skill to do, and that Nobby must have been highly skilled indeed. Mister Vimes had said no, it only took a Nobby.
He was very proud of the hat.
"Oook," said the Librarian next to him, who was in a wig. And a dress.
"Are you by any chance a mon-"
Nobby had an instinct for self-preservation.
"DON'T SAY IT," he hollered. "She is a very" and he struggled on the words with more than three syllables, "ed - du - cated lady orangutan, miss."
Polly knew her animal anatomy, though. "That is no lady, or I'm a man," she said.
"Really, miss?" said Nobby with all of the wide eye honesty that only Nobby could muster up.
Polly gave up. And in.
"You're in," she said.
"Oook!"
***
"This spying business ain't too hard, is it?" said Fred Colon, who was happily very far away from the danger and very close to someone who was virtually indestructible by the name of Detritus. It could only get better if there was some beer about, but Fred wasn't going to complain. Much. Though, he'd wish they weren't in a bloody tower spying on the Borogravia army. Towers were really, really high up...
"Dat went a lot smoother dan Mister Vimes fink," Detritus said, handling the tiny pair of binoculars back to Fred. "Dey never know what hit 'em. Except when I do it."
"Do you suppose," Angua said carefully, because you had to be careful in company such as Fred Colon and Detritus, "When Mister Vimes said to watch the Borogravia army trying to invade everyone all over again and make sure they didn't do anything too blindingly stupid, he meant from so... up close? And with Nobby? Wearing a wig?"
"Course," Fred said and tapped the side of his nose knowingly. "No one will ever dare to ask Nobby if Nobby's a human, let alone a girl."
"But I thought Sally was -"
"She vampire," Detritus said. "Vampire dey not good at being," and he paused and tried to remember Vimes' exact wording, "Obtrusively unobtrusive. What dat mean anyway?"
Angua sighed. She knew Sally had gotten the better end of the deal. At least only she had to deal with being a lot of bats. Angua had to deal with Fred Colon, Detritus and the enthusiastically cross-dressing Librarian and Nobby. It was enough to give you a headache or two. Thank god for Carrot.
Carrot, who had so far being very quite and slowly writing a long, detailed letter to Vimes looked up then. "It'll all be okay," he said cheerfully. "Mister Vimes will know we're all doing our best to get it sorted quick while he goes takes little Sam to his first week in nursery school."
And that was Carrot for you. On one hand, it was a very earnest Carrot-like thing to say, and on the other hand, it also meant that if you weren't trying your best Carrot would be very Disappointed.
If you were king, Angua thought, you could rule the world. But you aren't because you believe in Mister Vimes and Mister Vimes hates kings. Says they get away with a lot because people turn stupider when there are kings about. I turn stupid around you, and lots of other people do, but it's not official, so it's okay, right?
"Angua?" Carrot said.
She blinked. "It's nothing." And it really wasn't. They'd finish with Borogravia's fifteenth uprising since the first original truce with Ankh-Morpork and they'd go home and that'll be it. Just another day's work.
"Remember to keep Nobby away from the perfume, though," she added. "It blocks my sinuses."