[Ryo/Yamapi/Jin] Tegoshi Yuya: Super Love Doctor Man
I'm really far behind in the comments and everything and I'm really sorry for that, but in the few hours that I wasn't an emochild, I managed to actually finish something sort of. Which makes me happy enough to cry. Again.
Title: Tegoshi Yuya: Super Love Doctor Man
Pairing: Ryo/Yamapi/Jin
Rating: PG-13, for swearing.
Summary: Jin has a girlfriend, Yamapi is depressed, and Ryo is better than everyone else. Tegoshi has no idea what's he doing, but he's doing something.
Notes: Originally written as comment fic for darlita. Still for darlita but with a bit more polishing up. Crack title all eatsyourface's fault. ♥
Yamapi is not a whiner by nature. Yamapi doesn’t really like to air out his woes because he’s learnt that his woes eventually get used as blackmail material against him. However, Tegoshi is a good listener. In fact, Tegoshi’s an amazing listener. Koyama likes to talk too much to sit down and listen, Massu is always far more concerned about food, Shige makes Yamapi feel really stupid with his glasses and his pointed looks, and Ryo thinks everything can be solved if everyone just admits that he’s the sexy Osaka man, which is never any help. Tegoshi however, sits there and nods and actually remembers everything you say. He has helpful advice. He’s sympathetic and he’s smart. And the good thing is, is that Tegoshi doesn’t need blackmail material to get people to do what he wants them to.
"-so the bastard went and got a girlfriend," he says to Tegoshi who makes all the appropriate shocked noises.
"That’s terrible," Tegoshi says. "Akanishi-kun is a lot less nicer than he looks, isn’t he?"
"Nice?" Yamapi sputters. "He’s not nice, are you drunk Tegoshi -"
"Sorry Yamashita-kun," Tegoshi says apologetically, when his phone buzzes. "It’ll only be really quick."
"Mm," Yamapi says distractedly, already thinking up more incriminating things to tell Tegoshi about Jin to explain that Jin is not nice at all, that Jin’s a -
"Hello Ryotan!" Tegoshi chirps into the mobile.
"Aren’t you just across the room?" Yamapi says loudly.
Ryo, who’s secreted in a corner all the way over the other side of the room, and who has up until this point been strumming his guitar quietly, holds up his mobile and pointedly turns his head away from Yamapi.
"Ryotan says you're not allowed to keep mailing him if you're only going to cry about Jin apparently cheating on you with that chick from that drama where she gets raped and apparently likes to poke at marble penises," Tegoshi informs Yamapi solemnly. "He also says you shouldn’t keep dumping all your problems at Tegonyan - I mean, my feet."
Yamapi looks accusingly at Ryo. "The marble penis is way smaller than mine," he says, sniffing, and then makes a face. "You're right across the room Ryo-chan, YOU CAN TELL ME YOURSELF, ARSEHOLE."
"Ryotan says you're an idiot," Tegoshi continues bravely. "And shut up, fifteen meters is still too close - he can still feel you emo at him."
"Tell Ryo he's still a midget."
"Ryotan, Yamashita-kun says you're still - oh. You heard him." Tegoshi nods into the mobile phone and makes some more noises. Yamapi can hear Ryo’s voice at the other end becoming more progressively acidic and biting. "Ryo says that there's no way anyone is ever going to have a threesome with you and Akanishi-kun because when you walk in the room, the IQ levels drop."
He gives Yamapi a worried look. "I'm sorry Yamashita-kun, it's just Ry-"
"TELL RYO-CHAN I CAN HAVE MY OWN THREESOME. WITH TOMA AND HASEJUN. And Jin's girlfriend sucks and just because she doesn't want a threesome doesn't mean Jin won't have a girlfriend who wants a threesome."
"Ryotan says Akanishi-kun’s so dumb he doesn't even realise he has a girlfriend and that he'll probably get another one after this one who also doesn't like threesomes. Because Akanishi-kun is dumb like that."
Silence.
"I'm going to call Jin," Yamapi says, "and I'll tell him that Ryo-chan has a crush on Ueda and that he's really shy so Jin should 'help out’-"
"SHUT UP, YOU FUCKER," Ryo shrieks from across the room. "GOD, I'LL HAVE YOUR STUPID THREESOME WITH YOU AND YOUR FREAK. AND TELL YOUR FREAK TO DUMP THE CHICK. SHE'S UGLY."
"Er - Ryotan," Tegoshi begins uneasily. "You - "
To his astonishment, Yamapi breaks into a smile. "Consider it done, Ryo-chan! I’ll tell Jin in a minute," he says, beaming. He winks at Tegoshi. "Thanks for all the help, Tegoshi!"
Tegoshi looks really confused as Yamapi drags Ryo out the room, saying excitedly, "I’ve found a really good dressing room to try out our threesome in."
"Ryotan?" he says questioningly into the phone.
Ryo's voice is a bit muffled at the other end. "If you didn't understand moron speak, that's good, Tegonyan. I wouldn't want your IQ level to drop. Everyone thinks we're the smart group; you have to be brave when our leader is really dumb and can't understand that his freak - AND JIN IS A FREAK, SHUT UP PI - only got the girlfriend because he thought Pi had a girlfriend, but in reality neither of them have girlfriends because they’re dumb and I'm hotter and smarter and we should uphold our group’s reputation of being smart. And Shige too. Tell Shige to stop hanging around dumb people."
"...oh."
"Don't worry," Shige whispers, while Tegoshi hears the sound of someone leaping on someone else and a scream and a thump and then a groan. "Ryo's in the proximity of Yamashita-kun and Akanishi-kun at the same time, he can't help but lose IQ points."
"He's lucky he's so smart then," Tegoshi says loyally. "That he's still smart when he's with them."
"Lucky, yes," Shige says doubtfully, wondering if he should tell Tegoshi that Ryo was so lucky that somehow Yamapi had tricked him into having a threesome in Leah Dizon's dressing room because then she'd think he was gay and never go out with him.
Title: Tegoshi Yuya: Super Love Doctor Man
Pairing: Ryo/Yamapi/Jin
Rating: PG-13, for swearing.
Summary: Jin has a girlfriend, Yamapi is depressed, and Ryo is better than everyone else. Tegoshi has no idea what's he doing, but he's doing something.
Notes: Originally written as comment fic for darlita. Still for darlita but with a bit more polishing up. Crack title all eatsyourface's fault. ♥
Yamapi is not a whiner by nature. Yamapi doesn’t really like to air out his woes because he’s learnt that his woes eventually get used as blackmail material against him. However, Tegoshi is a good listener. In fact, Tegoshi’s an amazing listener. Koyama likes to talk too much to sit down and listen, Massu is always far more concerned about food, Shige makes Yamapi feel really stupid with his glasses and his pointed looks, and Ryo thinks everything can be solved if everyone just admits that he’s the sexy Osaka man, which is never any help. Tegoshi however, sits there and nods and actually remembers everything you say. He has helpful advice. He’s sympathetic and he’s smart. And the good thing is, is that Tegoshi doesn’t need blackmail material to get people to do what he wants them to.
"-so the bastard went and got a girlfriend," he says to Tegoshi who makes all the appropriate shocked noises.
"That’s terrible," Tegoshi says. "Akanishi-kun is a lot less nicer than he looks, isn’t he?"
"Nice?" Yamapi sputters. "He’s not nice, are you drunk Tegoshi -"
"Sorry Yamashita-kun," Tegoshi says apologetically, when his phone buzzes. "It’ll only be really quick."
"Mm," Yamapi says distractedly, already thinking up more incriminating things to tell Tegoshi about Jin to explain that Jin is not nice at all, that Jin’s a -
"Hello Ryotan!" Tegoshi chirps into the mobile.
"Aren’t you just across the room?" Yamapi says loudly.
Ryo, who’s secreted in a corner all the way over the other side of the room, and who has up until this point been strumming his guitar quietly, holds up his mobile and pointedly turns his head away from Yamapi.
"Ryotan says you're not allowed to keep mailing him if you're only going to cry about Jin apparently cheating on you with that chick from that drama where she gets raped and apparently likes to poke at marble penises," Tegoshi informs Yamapi solemnly. "He also says you shouldn’t keep dumping all your problems at Tegonyan - I mean, my feet."
Yamapi looks accusingly at Ryo. "The marble penis is way smaller than mine," he says, sniffing, and then makes a face. "You're right across the room Ryo-chan, YOU CAN TELL ME YOURSELF, ARSEHOLE."
"Ryotan says you're an idiot," Tegoshi continues bravely. "And shut up, fifteen meters is still too close - he can still feel you emo at him."
"Tell Ryo he's still a midget."
"Ryotan, Yamashita-kun says you're still - oh. You heard him." Tegoshi nods into the mobile phone and makes some more noises. Yamapi can hear Ryo’s voice at the other end becoming more progressively acidic and biting. "Ryo says that there's no way anyone is ever going to have a threesome with you and Akanishi-kun because when you walk in the room, the IQ levels drop."
He gives Yamapi a worried look. "I'm sorry Yamashita-kun, it's just Ry-"
"TELL RYO-CHAN I CAN HAVE MY OWN THREESOME. WITH TOMA AND HASEJUN. And Jin's girlfriend sucks and just because she doesn't want a threesome doesn't mean Jin won't have a girlfriend who wants a threesome."
"Ryotan says Akanishi-kun’s so dumb he doesn't even realise he has a girlfriend and that he'll probably get another one after this one who also doesn't like threesomes. Because Akanishi-kun is dumb like that."
Silence.
"I'm going to call Jin," Yamapi says, "and I'll tell him that Ryo-chan has a crush on Ueda and that he's really shy so Jin should 'help out’-"
"SHUT UP, YOU FUCKER," Ryo shrieks from across the room. "GOD, I'LL HAVE YOUR STUPID THREESOME WITH YOU AND YOUR FREAK. AND TELL YOUR FREAK TO DUMP THE CHICK. SHE'S UGLY."
"Er - Ryotan," Tegoshi begins uneasily. "You - "
To his astonishment, Yamapi breaks into a smile. "Consider it done, Ryo-chan! I’ll tell Jin in a minute," he says, beaming. He winks at Tegoshi. "Thanks for all the help, Tegoshi!"
Tegoshi looks really confused as Yamapi drags Ryo out the room, saying excitedly, "I’ve found a really good dressing room to try out our threesome in."
"Ryotan?" he says questioningly into the phone.
Ryo's voice is a bit muffled at the other end. "If you didn't understand moron speak, that's good, Tegonyan. I wouldn't want your IQ level to drop. Everyone thinks we're the smart group; you have to be brave when our leader is really dumb and can't understand that his freak - AND JIN IS A FREAK, SHUT UP PI - only got the girlfriend because he thought Pi had a girlfriend, but in reality neither of them have girlfriends because they’re dumb and I'm hotter and smarter and we should uphold our group’s reputation of being smart. And Shige too. Tell Shige to stop hanging around dumb people."
"...oh."
"Don't worry," Shige whispers, while Tegoshi hears the sound of someone leaping on someone else and a scream and a thump and then a groan. "Ryo's in the proximity of Yamashita-kun and Akanishi-kun at the same time, he can't help but lose IQ points."
"He's lucky he's so smart then," Tegoshi says loyally. "That he's still smart when he's with them."
"Lucky, yes," Shige says doubtfully, wondering if he should tell Tegoshi that Ryo was so lucky that somehow Yamapi had tricked him into having a threesome in Leah Dizon's dressing room because then she'd think he was gay and never go out with him.